Truth or Dare

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May I invite you all

to join me in a toast?

Yes, you can.

One year down at uni

and we're all still breathing.

- Chin-f***ing-chin.

- Chin-f***ing-chin!

Yes, thank you.

We'll be celebrating later right, Gemma?

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Oh, it's going to be a bumpy ride

to Heaven and back.

Get off me!

Chris, I've seen you in the shower.

You won't be reaching Heaven.

- Screw you, Eleanor.

- Without your beretta?

- Just shut the f*** up, all right?

- She's only winding you up.

- You're so easy.

- Shh... I've got another announcement.

I've got a placement

with Grolier & Gaunt.

Hey, well done, dude.

Six months in Edinburgh,

starting in September.

Edinburgh.

It's the top six practice. Oil rights,

shipping, all the high-powered clients.

It's in Scotland, Paul.

Smile, everyone!

It's not ideal, obviously, but...

It's only a train ride away.

At least not America or something.

- You could have spoken to me first.

- Yeah.

Uh, no, I just found out this afternoon.

But look, look, look, you're right,

I should have got you alone.

- What's up, guy?

- Cue the lap dog.

Ah, Lukesta, what's up bro? So...

- What've you got for us?

- I've got all sorts.

How's about a drop of the white stuff

to kick us off?

- Paul first, definitely.

- Oh, no, I shouldn't do it.

- Well, that's the whole point, mate.

- Yes.

- Go on.

- Okay.

- Been a good night?

- Yes.

Keep up the good work.

Boy-O.

- What's up, Felix?

- Nothing's up.

- You should make a move.

- On Gemma?

End of term, mate, anything goes.

That's not true, actually.

Certain things definitely do not "go."

No matter how much you may want them to.

It's just a matter of confidence.

And this is an area

where I may be able to help you out.

I'm so horny.

Come on, let's do it dirty,

any way you like.

- Hi, Gemma.

- Hiya, Felix.

- Can I have a word?

- Okay.

I mean, obviously,

you're out of my league,

but I thought I'd ask

just for clarification purposes.

Ask what?

If you'd like to go out with me sometime

for something like a coffee or a film?

Sit.

Paul.

I don't think of you

in the same way as you suspected.

But I'm sure

there's someone out there who does.

You just have to be brave

and keep looking.

Okay, great, thanks.

Seriously, you're very sweet and polite.

Unlike certain people I know.

So why do you go out with him?

Truth or Dare, everyone.

Yeah, yeah, get over it.

Truth or Dare, Mr. Gimp?

Truth, probably.

- "Um, truth, probablah."

- Truth it is.

Be nice.

So, Felix...

tell me...

if you had a golden ticket...

and you could pick any girl...

or any guy...

to take upstairs for a very quick,

no strings attached,

no questions asked shag...

who would it be?

In fact, here...

it is.

Your "free shag" ticket.

Who's the lucky girl, Felix?

Who is it, Felix?

Who's the lucky girl, Felix?

I'm sorry.

I want to play, I want to play, come on.

Come on, let's play,

Truth or Dare, b*tch? You and me.

Put your knob away, Chris,

we're just mucking about.

- Truth. Do I look like a muck to you?

- No.

- So why're you pissing on my patch?

- I was just...

- Ahem, I was just playing...

- "I was just-just..."

- just playing the game.

- Oh, just playing...

- You fancy your chances, do you?

- No.

No? Well, we better find out

what's on offer, then.

- I think Gem should know.

- Just leave me alone!

You little shi...

Are you okay, Felix?

I mean, f***ing crying,

the big f***ing girl!

You f***ing crybaby doll,

get off my f***ing fanny!

That was intense.

- You are such a bastard.

- And your point is?

Yeah, walk away like a little girl.

Cheers, geeze.

Yeah.

So how was Christmas?

Pretty boring.

It's good to be out and about again.

- You didn't come to McGinty's.

- No, I couldn't make it.

- Okay.

- How was it?

Gemma was there.

So?

- I'm just saying is all.

- You know she chucked me, right?

Yeah, I heard.

I am kinda kicking myself.

She was one sweet shag.

And they said romance was dead.

But it was all that bloody Felix's fault

Right, but that was months ago.

- You sure it's such a big deal?

- Yeah, it was to her.

Said she'd seen the real me,

blah-f***ing-blah.

I tell you what, I wouldn't mind

landing another couple of punches

on that twitchy little face of his.

So why exactly are we going

to his birthday party then?

I don't know.

Free booze, good times, the usual? His

parents supposed to have a f***-off pad.

Yeah, it's huge.

Proper country house.

Old man's a judge.

Kind of hoping she's gonna be there.

"Ready to Die"

Cordelia Fellowes & Justin Goulay

Come on in and take a seat

And let me get you something to eat

You must be tired from lack of sleep

With all that death and all

Some might scream and send you away

But I'm just as happy

for you here to stay

Till the time comes for my dying day

'Cause I'm ready to die

Please don't rush your decision

And the petrol, please.

It's, uh, ahem, 35.59.

Ideally I'd like it to be payment

But give in mind my selfish ways

and hedonistic things

I feel like sex-on-a-stick

in this outfit.

Lucky for Paul.

You'd think.

He's been back a couple of days now

and we still haven't, um...

- Think he might've lost interest?

- In you?

Hard to believe, right, honey?

- "The Hautbois family own..."

- It's the Hautbois family.

- "Hautbois family..."

- Yes.

"owns extensive properties

in Cambridgeshire and Suffolk."

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