Trailer Park Boys: Don't Legalize It
I was out on the West Coast
tryin' to make a buck
And things didn't work
out I was down on my luck
Got tired a-roamin'
and bummin' around
So I started thumbin' back
east toward my hometown
Made a lot of miles
the first two days
And I figured I'd be home in
week if my luck held out this way
stranded way out of town
At a cold lonely crossroads
rain was pourin' down
I was hungry and freezin'
done caught a chill
When the lights of a
big semi topped the hill
Lord I sure was glad to
hear them air brakes come on
And I climbed in that cab
Where I knew it'd be warm
At the wheel sit a big man
He stuck out his hand
and said with a grin
Big Joe's the name
I told him mine
And he said the name of
my rig is Phantom 309
You okay man?
I asked him why he
called his rig such a name
- Mr. Green!
- Hey, what's up? What's up?
Good to see you, candy
man. What's up, Hydro?
It's been a minute, dawg.
What's up with y'all?
Sorry about the circumstances
and all that, right? Sayin'.
Yo, what's up with T man?
Man, T at a halfway house,
y'all. But he gonna be here.
What the f*** are you doing here?
- I invited myself.
- Yeah? Well, f***ing get him out of here.
You couldn't wear a f***ing
shirt to a funeral, Randy?
I got the keys. Just take it easy,
- the transmission's slipping.
- Okay.
I'll pick it up after work.
- Do you mind putting some gas in it?
- Sure.
How's the mall, George?
- Good.
- I got some good dope for you,
- I'll bring it by after work.
- Thanks, Ricky.
Good to see you, Julian.
We're not friends, we're business
partners. Don't forget it.
Okay, tough guy.
We've got the buyers in Montreal,
everything's set, bring all you can bring.
Alright, cool.
Did you hear that?
The cops threw the old
man out of the dump,
so he moved to the goddamn parking
lot of the old Zellers downtown.
drinking. He was there almost a year.
He wouldn't listen to anybody.
I f***ing warned him
about the propane.
Last Monday at 4 a.m., there
was a great big explosion.
Some bums witnessed it,
said Ray was down there.
F***ing drunk, smoking cigarettes.
Trying to steal propane for his grill
and that was it, f***ing ka-blamo.
Motherf***er, he blew himself up.
Sayin'?
Sad like a motherf***er
too, ain't it?
I was down with Ray, dawg.
Over this way, please. Everybody
gather around over here.
Get the f*** out of the way.
Thanks for coming today, everyone.
We're gathered here
today at Ray's sanctuary.
This is a place that most of us
would... rightly call the dump.
But not Ray.
For Ray, this was like
his personal paradise.
He...
Sorry.
We're here today to remember Ray, and
all of the things that he taught us.
To celebrate what a
wonderful man he was.
He wasn't wonderful, he was shitty.
Maybe the shittiest man
there ever was, ever will be.
You better shut your
Goddamn right, you
bald-headed, bespectacled b*tch!
It's a funeral, motherf***er!
I'm gonna slap the white
boy out your mouths!
You don't disrespect a motherf***er
like that at his own funeral!
- Jamie...
- What the f***'s wrong with you, b*tch?
You too Randy, get the f*** back,
f***ing Simon Cowell with titties!
You're out of f***ing
line right now.
Sorry, Julian.
My apologies, everyone.
Continue.
Can you please just f***ing leave?
- How could you say that?
- Randy, Ray isn't dead.
Piss still flows in the jug, bud.
Come on, Randy.
- How could you say that?
- Rand...
Instant karla, fucky!
F***!
- Jesus Christ, Ricky!
- F***ing a**hole.
Ricky get up. Ricky...
F***ing drunk, Bubbs.
My dad was the...
It's okay, Ricky.
Bubbs, can you f***ing
read this for me?
Yeah, Ricky. It's okay.
Ricky's a little too upset.
- Understandably, so...
- Tyrone!
I'm going to read the
words that he prepared.
My dad wasn't always right,
but he acted like he was.
And that was the most
important thing to be thunk of.
My dad was awesome.
And if you don't like him...
you can f*** off.
That's it. Thank you.
Here's to f***ing Ray.
F***ing way she goes.
Present arms!
F***...
- Jesus Christ, Jacob.
- What the f*** was that?
Weak!
Sorry, Julian.
- Oh my f***, Tyrone!
- What is he doing?
He's breaking the f*** north,
dawg. He hates that halfway house.
He knows if he gets out of the
province they can't f*** with him.
Oh man, that's a dumb move.
He's gonna end up back in jail.
Like you know a lot
about staying out of jail.
How's it going?
Jesus Christ!
F***ing flyers.
My dad said the biggest mistakes of
my life was giving up on growing dope.
Well that, and working for Julian.
And for a while,
I did give up on dope.
Everybody said I was done.
Cops, judges, Lahey...
They all said, and I kofe,
"I'd never, ever grow dope again."
Does this look like I'd
never, ever grow dope again?
F*** those guys. Dope's a part
of me, and I can't change that.
Dope's a part of everybody.
I don't know if you know this,
but people have these naturally occurring
cannabinoid sectors in their brain.
What the f*** do you think
It's for dope to get
us high, that's what.
The biggest question I had to figure
out last time I went to jail was:
how in the f*** can I keep
doing this and not get caught?
But, I also had to figure out
where in the f*** to grow the dope.
Should I grow it in the trailer park?
Lahey's gonna be f***ing with me,
I'll have cops all over my ass.
It just doesn't f***ing work.
Cops aren't going to f***
with me in the sub-division.
Lahey is definitely not going to
f*** with me in the sub-division.
This is all mine now.
I have all of this,
because my dad said, "Don't
f***ing work with Julian."
Thanks for the f***ing advice,
Dad. Wish you were here, bud.
Ricky did this. He
caused my stroke.
Happened the day he got out of jail,
when he sh*t himself back into this park.
Now I'm a prisoner, and he's free to
go wherever he wants, whenever he wants.
Fortunately he's growing
his dope somewhere else.
But when he shits, he
still shits in the park.
It is dirty f***ing tough.
I mean, I can't get a real
job. Can't get any job.
Employers see how many
times I've been to jail,
and they think it's a mistake
on the goddamn paperwork.
Then I have to say,
"No, no that's accurate,
I've been in there
that many times."
Here's your chicken and liquor.
It's $65, plus $10 for delivery.
You know, so now I've
just been slinging
chicken, and beer, and
cigarettes and liquor to people
for a $10 fee just to get by.
Oh Jesus, I almost
forgot your cigarettes.
Corey Hart! Ha! Ha!
It wasn't f***ing easy.
I got out of jail and I was just as
broke and f***ed up as everyone else.
So... I fell back on
bouncing at the Red Knight.
This skinny little prick was f***ing
around, got up on the bar, started dancing.
He was wasted, I was wasted.
I grabbed a hold of him, threw
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"Trailer Park Boys: Don't Legalize It" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 15 Oct. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/trailer_park_boys:_don't_legalize_it_22183>.
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