Tom Segura: Mostly Stories

Synopsis: The bearded, bawdy and comically bitter Tom Segura gets real about body piercings, the "Area 51" of men's bodies, and the lie he told Mike Tyson.
73 min


I love being a stand-up comedian.

It's the best job in the world.

And I love being an L.A. comic.


Alfred the assassin.

As a comic, what you're supposed to do

is live your life and report it.

Anytime I do

something nice for you,

- you shit on me!

- When is that?!

I love the whole process.

You have a little dick.

Writing. Performing.

Figuring out how to make a joke work.

It's the best.

But most of all,

I love meeting the people of this city.

- They always inspire me.

- Hey!

Tom Segura!

Bite me in my ass, man! Aah!

You have to do it!

I love them.

They have nothing but admiration for me.

Yeah, after work we can do whatever, man.

I just know there's no stopping us.

Hey! Who this fat-ass n*gger right here?

What's up, fat boy?

- 'Sup?

- Making a food show, bitch?

- No.

- You should.

Bam! 'Cause you fat as f*ck!

This fat motherfucker right here, man.

- You got pancake titties.

- You do!

F*ck this city.

I'm re-shooting this thing.

Eat a dick, Paul Blart.

This fat motherfucker, man.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Tom Segura!

What up?

Thank you! Thank you, guys.

Thank you very much.

It's great to be in Seattle.


One of my favorite places,

and I am fucking falling apart.

All right, um...

I hate who I'm becoming, socially.

Like, all my social interactions,

I'm disintegrating into somebody

I want to punch in the mouth.

Like, I start weather chats

with people all the time now,

like, ugh.

I got off the plane here, and the guy

that picks me up at the airport,

I was like, "It rains a lot here, huh?"

And I swear,

there's another voice in my head going,

"You're a piece of shit

for this conversation."

What's the guy supposed to say?

He's in the car and he's like, "Yeah..."

" does.

And you're a real piece of shit for this,

just so you know."

I wanted to abort,

I wanted to get out of it, but I couldn't.

Like, "I'm from Southern California,

we sure could use it."

And he was like,

"I'll run us off the fucking road.

I'll kill us both,

I swear to God I will."

God forbid I meet

a tall person now, like...

If you're over six-four,

there's no way I'm not addressing it.

I'm gonna be like,

"Wow, you're tall."

"Do you like basketball?

Yeah? Is that your thing?

I have a friend that's tall."

Dude, you just told a grown man

you have a fucking friend that's tall.

Like, what's next? "My dad's super strong?

I bet he's stronger than your dad."


It's better than

my dad's actual small talk,

which is awkwardly racial small talk.

It's not racist, but it involves race.


Like, we're at a restaurant and, you know,

the server walks up and she's Asian.

My dad will be like, "You Chinese?"

And she's like, "No, I'm Korean."

"Oh, I was in Vietnam."

And I'm like...

"What are you doing?"

"What? I was." "I know.

What does that have to do with anything?"

Then he goes, "Lot fewer of them

when I left, if you know what I mean."

I'm like, "Oh, man."


"Yeah, it was two Diet Cokes,

we're gonna wrap it up pretty quick."

Dude, if he meets a black guy,

shut it the f*ck down, okay?

'Cause, it's gonna get weird. Like...

Dude, I see it. A black guy starts

talking to us and my dad'll be like...

I can see it in his eyes,

like a clock's ticking down.

And I'm like, "How weird are you

about to be with him?"

He looks like a dog, when you show a dog

a treat and you're like, "Sit still."

And the dog's like...

"I work with a black guy!"

Ohh. Ohh.

Oh, man.

"Yeah, Carl.

You know him? I don't know...

Thought you knew each other.

I don't know.

I don't know him.

He works in the building."

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Tom Segura

Tom Segura (born April 16, 1979) is an American stand-up comedian and podcaster from Cincinnati, Ohio. He lives in Los Angeles, California. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018


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"Tom Segura: Mostly Stories" STANDS4 LLC, 2020. Web. 21 Sep. 2020. <>.

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