Tom Segura: Mostly Stories

Synopsis: The bearded, bawdy and comically bitter Tom Segura gets real about body piercings, the "Area 51" of men's bodies, and the lie he told Mike Tyson.
73 min


I love being a stand-up comedian.

It's the best job in the world.

And I love being an L.A. comic.


Alfred the assassin.

As a comic, what you're supposed to do

is live your life and report it.

Anytime I do

something nice for you,

- you shit on me!

- When is that?!

I love the whole process.

You have a little dick.

Writing. Performing.

Figuring out how to make a joke work.

It's the best.

But most of all,

I love meeting the people of this city.

- They always inspire me.

- Hey!

Tom Segura!

Bite me in my ass, man! Aah!

You have to do it!

I love them.

They have nothing but admiration for me.

Yeah, after work we can do whatever, man.

I just know there's no stopping us.

Hey! Who this fat-ass n*gger right here?

What's up, fat boy?

- 'Sup?

- Making a food show, bitch?

- No.

- You should.

Bam! 'Cause you fat as f*ck!

This fat motherf*cker right here, man.

- You got pancake titties.

- You do!

F*ck this city.

I'm re-shooting this thing.

Eat a dick, Paul Blart.

This fat motherf*cker, man.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Tom Segura!

What up?

Thank you! Thank you, guys.

Thank you very much.

It's great to be in Seattle.


One of my favorite places,

and I am f*cking falling apart.

All right, um...

I hate who I'm becoming, socially.

Like, all my social interactions,

I'm disintegrating into somebody

I want to punch in the mouth.

Like, I start weather chats

with people all the time now,

like, ugh.

I got off the plane here, and the guy

that picks me up at the airport,

I was like, "It rains a lot here, huh?"

And I swear,

there's another voice in my head going,

"You're a piece of shit

for this conversation."

What's the guy supposed to say?

He's in the car and he's like, "Yeah..."

" does.

And you're a real piece of shit for this,

just so you know."

I wanted to abort,

I wanted to get out of it, but I couldn't.

Like, "I'm from Southern California,

we sure could use it."

And he was like,

"I'll run us off the f*cking road.

I'll kill us both,

I swear to God I will."

God forbid I meet

a tall person now, like...

If you're over six-four,

there's no way I'm not addressing it.

I'm gonna be like,

"Wow, you're tall."

"Do you like basketball?

Yeah? Is that your thing?

I have a friend that's tall."

Dude, you just told a grown man

you have a f*cking friend that's tall.

Like, what's next? "My dad's super strong?

I bet he's stronger than your dad."


It's better than

my dad's actual small talk,

which is awkwardly racial small talk.

It's not racist, but it involves race.


Like, we're at a restaurant and, you know,

the server walks up and she's Asian.

My dad will be like, "You Chinese?"

And she's like, "No, I'm Korean."

"Oh, I was in Vietnam."

And I'm like...

"What are you doing?"

"What? I was." "I know.

What does that have to do with anything?"

Then he goes, "Lot fewer of them

when I left, if you know what I mean."

I'm like, "Oh, man."


"Yeah, it was two Diet Cokes,

we're gonna wrap it up pretty quick."

Dude, if he meets a black guy,

shut it the f*ck down, okay?

'Cause, it's gonna get weird. Like...

Dude, I see it. A black guy starts

talking to us and my dad'll be like...

I can see it in his eyes,

like a clock's ticking down.

And I'm like, "How weird are you

about to be with him?"

He looks like a dog, when you show a dog

a treat and you're like, "Sit still."

And the dog's like...

"I work with a black guy!"

Ohh. Ohh.

Oh, man.

"Yeah, Carl.

You know him? I don't know...

Thought you knew each other.

I don't know.

I don't know him.

He works in the building."

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Tom Segura

Tom Segura (born April 16, 1979) is an American stand-up comedian and podcaster from Cincinnati, Ohio. He lives in Los Angeles, California. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018


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"Tom Segura: Mostly Stories" STANDS4 LLC, 2019. Web. 21 Nov. 2019. <>.

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