Third Person

Watch me.

F***!

- What?

- We're here to look at a sofa.

You're an hour late.

That's really good advice, Mom.

I'll have the locks changed right away.

Any more marital advice?

F***!

I don't feel too good about this.

Janice, just tell him I got the package.

And he didn't understand?

That little man has the brain of a squid.

Tell him the thing that he wants, I got.

See if he can decode that.

Yes, the designs, Janice.

Yes, I have the f***ing designs.

Why don't we just

skywrite this conversation?

Yeah, and get me a flight

out of here as soon as possible.

Why the hell would I want to stay?

Have you been to Italy?

Baron Hotel, please.

Hotel Barone?

Hotel Barone.

Stunning how you translated that.

Sorry, miss. Parisian drivers.

The worst.

She's here.

- Do you want me to reschedule?

- I am so sorry I'm late.

The one day they cancel the express train.

I have to be in court, Julia.

I thought we talked about this.

No, I know, I know, I know,

but this really wasn't my fault.

I spoke to the judge, he agreed

to a second psychiatric assessment.

That shrink hated me

before I even walked in.

Well, let's make a better impression this time,

because his statement was really damaging.

But did anyone even look at the report?

Come on, it was an accident.

How many kids have died

because of dry-cleaning bags?

I saved his life.

Julia, you failed the lie detector test.

I'm the one that insisted on doing it!

- And I told you it was a bad idea.

- Come on, you have to understand...

No, no, no, it doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter.

Right now,

we just need to convince the judge

that you're stable enough

to get visitation again.

Really? What's the hurry?

It's only been 12 months.

You haven't really been helping yourself.

- Did you get a job?

- I've had half a dozen jobs.

One that you keep for more than a week.

We need a positive report.

Gina will give you the address.

4:
00 tomorrow.

You know, that's great. Let me...

Let me ask to leave early

the first week of a brand-new job.

Just use that pretty smile of yours.

It's gonna be okay. Okay.

I'm leaving. Relax.

Okay?

Come here. Give me your hand.

- Yeah?

- Yuck!

What? Don't say that. This is Daddy's work.

Yuck!

This is how we do it.

Daddy paints with his hands.

I don't like it.

Just give it a try.

I want it off!

You'll take it off on the canvas, okay?

- Don't want to.

- Just try.

Wipe it off!

Here, just wipe it on the canvas,

and then it'll be a painting. Okay?

Now, go ahead.

Jesse!

Here, wipe it off.

Give me your hand. Give me your hand.

Yuck.

Bar Americano.

How you doing?

You speak English?

No English, no.

No English.

Bar Americano, you don't speak English?

So, you got a hamburger?

- No hamburger, no.

- No hamburger.

You understand the term "irony"?

Nothing.

Is it too much to expect a Budweiser?

Beero?

Bingo.

Thank you.

Beero.

Yeah. And make it warm. Thank you.

Bar Americano.

Bar Americano.

Ready, miss?

Anna Barr.

- Yeah?

- Miss Barr is here.

- Does she appear to be armed?

- I don't understand, sir.

Humor, which apparently doesn't

travel more than one floor.

Send her up, please. Thank you.

You really had to fly me here on points?

- Do you want to read it?

- Do I want to read your short story?

Submissions are due Friday.

You're not gonna offer me a glass?

And watch it turn to vinegar?

I don't think so.

Drop it anywhere. I'll get back to you.

You want me to leave

after I just flew all the way here?

On points. If I cared, I

would have paid cash.

You don't even want to have sex?

No. But I appreciate the offer.

You know that just made me wet.

Sadly, yes.

Okay.

- Quite the suite.

- Isn't it?

- Have you had many women here?

- The requisite amount.

- A writer needs his muses.

- He can never get enough of them.

That I know.

When can I expect those notes?

I'll get back to you.

Great.

Nice seeing you, too.

Come here.

This isn't really mentorly behavior!

- Excuse me?

- You want something?

Yeah, I do, actually.

One of those.

You mind telling me what that is?

- This?

- Yeah. If it's cold.

That's good.

I'm sorry for staring.

Staring.

Looking at you.

With my eyes.

You think I'm too stupid to speak English?

Just apologizing for looking.

It's okay.

You're just looking at my limoncello.

It's very hard not to.

Bar Americano.

I can't keep talking.

I'm almost out of minutes.

Yeah, laugh. It's hysterical.

I'm in a basement.

Excuse me. A basement!

You... Can't what?

- Hi.

- Hi.

Are you seriously canceling on me again?

Hi, honey.

- You can't be on the phone at work.

- I know. Just...

Just one minute. What about Sunday?

You know what? Just forget about it.

I got to go.

I'm really sorry. I have no friends left.

They either think I'm a child killer

or are sick of hearing me talk about it.

You sure you want to do this?

Are you kidding me?

I can't even pay my bills.

He makes me quit my job,

and now that nobody will hire me,

he fully cuts off my support.

I know lots of people in retail.

Any of them would give you a job.

- Let me put you at the front desk.

- No, no.

You're very sweet. I just

want to be invisible.

And nobody looks at maids.

I know I never did.

- Okay.

- Thank you.

Get changed.

I'll have someone show you the ropes.

Gerry, you are a lifesaver, seriously.

Least I could do.

- Uniform.

- Okay.

Thank you. Okay.

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