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I try to sleep on every flight. That is my goal. I bring a real pillow with me. Like a bed pillow. I was flying back home to LA after a show and I put the pillow next to me and I put my head down and the flight attendant came racing down.
She says, “You can’t have a pillow in the exit row.”
And I said “But I do. It appears we’re at an impasse.”
And she says, “Well what happens if we crash?”
And I said, “It’ll help. I don’t know if you’ve heard much about pillows but they’re fantastic. They’re soft, they float, those are two characteristics I’d want to bring to a plane crash. If I could bring anything in the world to a plane crash, I would bring a pillow and a 2nd plane. Those are the two things I would bring.”
And I said, “Oh, well in that case I’ll let them step on my pillow cause I’m not a monster.” You’d have to be. For someone to be on fire screaming and I would just say, “Can you please watch the pillow? Yeah I get it, burning alive, whatevs, that cost me eight dollars.” I’m not there to say that. I’m in the exit row, I’m the first one the fuck off the plane.
But she keeps at it. She says, “No, what if a pillow slows them down?” What if a pillow slows someone down during a plane crash? It’s their time. I don’t think we lost a scientist when that happen. What are they going to do for us? They’re just going to die tomorrow on some final destination shit, like why do we need that.
But she keeps it up. She says, “No, what if it pillow obscures their path?” What the pillow obscures their path? I think you mean obstructs their path. I understand the words ‘obscure’ and ‘obstructs’ start the same but they get real different. Cause I don’t want you messing up words. Your job is to protect us in case of a crash. You’re in charge of our safety. As I recall, it’s your number one concern and I don’t want you fucking up when there’s a problem. I don’t wanna hear, “Everybody, head towards the explosion, I mean exit, ha ha!” I don’t want that.
But let’s explore what you did mean. What if a pillow obscures someone's view of their path or obstructs their path? Now how hilariously tiny are the people on this airplane that a pillow is going to get in anyone's way ever. I’ve seen a movie where someone gets to the end of a tunnel, “TURN BACK THERE'S A PILLOW!” I’ve never seen that.
But she just kept at it. “Sir, your going to need to give me your pillow.”
She said “Crazy things can happen during a plane crash. A paper cut could decapitate somebody during a plane crash.”...what? A papercut could decapitate somebody during a plane crash? Those words together in that order on purpose? What else is ping ponging around in her head? ‘I like peanut butter. Do you swim?’ Like what else is up there. That’s what she landed on! A paper cut could decapitate somebody during a plane crash?
Well conservations a two way street. I say something and that leads you to say something preferably related to what I just said and that’s not what happened that day. Cause I said “You’re going to need to give me a good reason”, I didn’t say, “Say something that’ll fuck me up for ten years.” I didn’t say that. But that’s what she heard and she said a paper cut could decapitate somebody during a plane crash.
If I had time to think about it I would’ve said something a little more smart like “NO. NO.” I do not accept the premise that paper could decapitate somebody during a plane crash. I can accept that at the exact right velocity at the exact right angle, a paper cut could cut open a vein and make you bleed out but a paper cut is not cutting through bone. Paper is NOT going through bone. If it could, rock paper scissors would finally fucking make sense, but it doesn’t and it never will. And why are we even talking about paper? We were just talking about pillows a second ago. There’s paper everywhere on this airplane. There’s a sudoku in front of me, there’s a sky mall in front of me, there’s some dude down in Aisle 7b USA Today who’s going to decapitate every last one of us! Your safety instructions are written on a piece of paper!!! AnD tHoSe ArE YoUr NuMbEr OnE cOnCeRnS.” But I did not have all that, so I just said “ThAt’S nOt A tHiNg.”
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"The War on Flight Attendants" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2019. Web. 21 Jan. 2019. <https://www.scripts.com/script/the_war_on_flight_attendants_24106>.