The War on Flight Attendants

Synopsis:
Genre: Comedy
144 Views

Excerpt from Steve Hofstetter Stand-up Comedy, 10-2-09

I try to sleep on every flight. That is my goal. I bring a real pillow with me. Like a bed pillow. I was flying back home to LA after a show and I put the pillow next to me and I put my head down and the flight attendant came racing down.

She says, “You can’t have a pillow in the exit row.”

And I said “But I do. It appears we’re at an impasse.”

And she says, “Well what happens if we crash?”

And I said, “It’ll help. I don’t know if you’ve heard much about pillows but they’re fantastic. They’re soft, they float, those are two characteristics I’d want to bring to a plane crash. If I could bring anything in the world to a plane crash, I would bring a pillow and a 2nd plane. Those are the two things I would bring.”

And she says “No, what if we crash and the pillow falls and someone has to get by it? What will you do?”.

And I said, “Oh, well in that case I’ll let them step on my pillow cause I’m not a monster.” You’d have to be. For someone to be on fire screaming and I would just say, “Can you please watch the pillow? Yeah I get it, burning alive, whatevs, that cost me eight dollars.” I’m not there to say that. I’m in the exit row, I’m the first one the fuck off the plane.

But she keeps at it. She says, “No, what if a pillow slows them down?” What if a pillow slows someone down during a plane crash? It’s their time. I don’t think we lost a scientist when that happen. What are they going to do for us? They’re just going to die tomorrow on some final destination shit, like why do we need that.

If you can’t get past a pillow in a plane crash, like, “I have to get out of….ahh. Ahhh. Think Jerry, think.”

But she keeps it up. She says, “No, what if it pillow obscures their path?” What the pillow obscures their path? I think you mean obstructs their path. I understand the words ‘obscure’ and ‘obstructs’ start the same but they get real different. Cause I don’t want you messing up words. Your job is to protect us in case of a crash. You’re in charge of our safety. As I recall, it’s your number one concern and I don’t want you fucking up when there’s a problem. I don’t wanna hear, “Everybody, head towards the explosion, I mean exit, ha ha!” I don’t want that.

But let’s explore what you did mean. What if a pillow obscures someone's view of their path or obstructs their path? Now how hilariously tiny are the people on this airplane that a pillow is going to get in anyone's way ever. I’ve seen a movie where someone gets to the end of a tunnel, “TURN BACK THERE'S A PILLOW!” I’ve never seen that.

But she just kept at it. “Sir, your going to need to give me your pillow.”

And I said “You’re going to need to give me a good reason” And she said the strangest thing I’ve heard in my whole life.

She said “Crazy things can happen during a plane crash. A paper cut could decapitate somebody during a plane crash.”...what? A papercut could decapitate somebody during a plane crash? Those words together in that order on purpose? What else is ping ponging around in her head? ‘I like peanut butter. Do you swim?’ Like what else is up there. That’s what she landed on! A paper cut could decapitate somebody during a plane crash?

So I said “ThAt’S nOt A tHiNg.” cause I was out of clever, I had no other response. I’m a pretty clever guy, the chamber was empty.

Well conservations a two way street. I say something and that leads you to say something preferably related to what I just said and that’s not what happened that day. Cause I said “You’re going to need to give me a good reason”, I didn’t say, “Say something that’ll fuck me up for ten years.” I didn’t say that. But that’s what she heard and she said a paper cut could decapitate somebody during a plane crash.

If I had time to think about it I would’ve said something a little more smart like “NO. NO.” I do not accept the premise that paper could decapitate somebody during a plane crash. I can accept that at the exact right velocity at the exact right angle, a paper cut could cut open a vein and make you bleed out but a paper cut is not cutting through bone. Paper is NOT going through bone. If it could, rock paper scissors would finally fucking make sense, but it doesn’t and it never will. And why are we even talking about paper? We were just talking about pillows a second ago. There’s paper everywhere on this airplane. There’s a sudoku in front of me, there’s a sky mall in front of me, there’s some dude down in Aisle 7b USA Today who’s going to decapitate every last one of us! Your safety instructions are written on a piece of paper!!! AnD tHoSe ArE YoUr NuMbEr OnE cOnCeRnS.” But I did not have all that, so I just said “ThAt’S nOt A tHiNg.”

Rate this script:(0.00 / 0 votes)

Steve Hofstetter

Steven Ira Hofstetter is an American comedian and television personality. His YouTube channel currently has over 100 million views. He is the host of Finding Babe Ruth on FS1, a regular panelist on MLB Now on MLB Network and was the host and executive producer of "Laughs" on Fox television stations. more…

All Steve Hofstetter scripts | Steve Hofstetter Scripts

FAVORITE (0 fans)

Translation

Translate and read this script in other languages:

Select another language:

  • - Select -
  • Chinese - Simplified 简体中文 (Chinese - Simplified)
  • Chinese - Traditional 繁體中文 (Chinese - Traditional)
  • Spanish Español (Spanish)
  • Japanese 日本語 (Japanese)
  • Portuguese Português (Portuguese)
  • German Deutsch (German)
  • Arabic العربية (Arabic)
  • French Français (French)
  • Russian Русский (Russian)
  • Kannada ಕನ್ನಡ (Kannada)
  • Korean 한국어 (Korean)
  • Hebrew עברית (Hebrew)
  • Ukrainian Український (Ukrainian)
  • Urdu اردو (Urdu)
  • Hungarian Magyar (Hungarian)
  • Hindi मानक हिन्दी (Hindi)
  • Indonesian Indonesia (Indonesian)
  • Italian Italiano (Italian)
  • Tamil தமிழ் (Tamil)
  • Turkish Türkçe (Turkish)
  • Telugu తెలుగు (Telugu)
  • Thai ภาษาไทย (Thai)
  • Vietnamese Tiếng Việt (Vietnamese)
  • Czech Čeština (Czech)
  • Polish Polski (Polish)
  • Indonesian Bahasa Indonesia (Indonesian)
  • Romanian Românește (Romanian)
  • Dutch Nederlands (Dutch)
  • Greek Ελληνικά (Greek)
  • Latin Latinum (Latin)
  • Swedish Svenska (Swedish)
  • Danish Dansk (Danish)
  • Finnish Suomi (Finnish)
  • Persian فارسی (Persian)
  • Yiddish ייִדיש (Yiddish)
  • Armenian հայերեն (Armenian)
  • Norwegian Norsk (Norwegian)
  • English English (English)

Discuss this The War on Flight Attendants script with the community:

Citation

Use the citation below to add this screenplay to your bibliography:

Style:MLAChicagoAPA

"The War on Flight Attendants" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2019. Web. 26 Mar. 2019. <https://www.scripts.com/script/the_war_on_flight_attendants_24106>.

We need you!

Help us build the largest writers community and scripts collection on the web!

Watch the movie trailer

The War on Flight Attendants

The Marketplace:

Sell your Script !

Get listed in the most prominent screenplays collection on the web!


Thanks for your vote! We truly appreciate your support.