The Vanishing of Sidney Hall

---

There was a brilliant

way about Velouria.

She had a virginal quality

that contrasted her

ice cold outer shell.

Looking back, I realize that

I was the only one to notice.

Yeah, she was a b*tch, for sure.

Her breasts, her cheekbones,

her legs.

She saw it all in the mirror

every morning

and was well aware

of the power held therein.

No one could touch her

or intimidate her.

She rarely looked

anyone in the eye.

I once saw Brad Dorsey,

captain of the soccer team,

crying by his locker.

She dumped him after one date

and took his balls with her.

From that day forward,

he never played sports again.

This was a prime example

of the witchery she cast.

But I wasn't attracted

to her pale beauty.

I was more turned on

by the little girl within.

It was this thought

that I masturbated to

every afternoon.

And not her thighs

or flat stomach.

I imagined her breaking down

and begging me

never to leave her

because I was the only one

who truly understood

the Velouria within.

And when I finished,

I looked at the small puddle

of cum I had generated

and wondered,

"Why did I just

waste this on a table top?"

Um, how old were you

when this story took place?

I was, um

6th Grade.

- Ew.

- Sidney,

I asked the class

to write an essay

on the meaning of life.

I thought this was appropriate

for that topic.

Well, it's not.

It was highly inappropriate.

Well Okay.

She's going to fail you.

I just hate her, you know.

Hey look, I don't like her

very much either

but it doesn't mean

she's a bad teacher.

- She had a book published.

- A romance novel.

But still, you're going

to have to figure out a way

to get a passing grade from her.

You better rewrite those essays.

You know what it is?

It's It's her

It's her limited definition

of 20th century writers.

What about What about

Hunter S. Thompson?

What about David Foster

Wallace, you know?

William Gibson.

You know, someone contemporary.

Sidney.

I went to a meeting earlier

today and I fought for you.

But she thinks

you've targeted her,

and lets face it, she's right.

What if I wrote a novel?

No one's questioning

your ability.

It's your subject matter

that's getting you in trouble.

You know what

they would do to me

if I printed half the stories

you've submitted

for the school paper?

Okay.

Let's say you did write a novel.

What would it be about?

It's about

a suicide victim

from a small town.

Did you think when you wrote it

that it would go on to have

this kind of success?

No, I mean

I didn't even know

I could make a living

off of it, honestly.

I I was just hoping

that one person would buy it,

one person would

want to read it.

But millions

of people have bought it.

- Mmm-hmm.

- Millions.

Yeah.

How do you follow up a book

like a suburban tragedy?

I can't think about it that way.

I just keep writing.

And when can we expect

your next book?

Soon.

Okay! You have

an 11:
00 at Sushi Dan

with Porter House.

A 1:
00

live interview with JNN,

Flight is at 5:
00 and

And?

Dr. Baum says you still

haven't contacted

the therapist you recommended

and that he will reschedule

the MRI again.

Thoughts, comments?

I'll do the MRI.

I'm not seeing a therapist.

I need a divorce attorney,

not a shrink.

How'd you feel

about the interview?

Oh, best one you've ever done.

You ready?

He didn't have a lot on him

He just had a duffle bag.

I mean, he just had basically

everything he owned.

I asked him one time,

I asked him where he was headed.

And he looked at me

And he just said, "May 25th."

That was it, it was May 25th.

He was a lunatic.

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