The Twelve Chairs

---

[Moaning]

[Gasps]

Natasha Nikolaevna.

Natasha Nikolaevna.

[Door Opens]

- [Gasps]

- I'm going. Call the priest.

Get my son-in-law. Hurry!

I must talk to him.

There's something

I must tell him before I die.

There, there, Claudia lvanovna.

You will be all right. Just...

[Groaning]

Oh.

[Speaking Russian]

Kolya!

Kolya!

Kolya!

Kolya, quick.

Run to the town hall.

Tell Vorobyaninov

his mother-in-law is dying.

Tell him to hurry.

I'm going to get the priest.

Oh.

[Muttering]

Bozhe moi.

That poor woman.

That poor woman.

Who is going to take

care of me?

[Chorus Vocalizing]

[Speaking Russian]

It's in the hands of God now.

All we can do is pray.

Thank you for coming, Father.

It was my pleasure.

Go to her.

Go to her, my child.

Comfort her.

She needs you.

Courage. Courage.

[Sighs]

- Father Fyo...

- Ooh!

- Dor.

- [Groaning]

She's inside.

Not to worry.

I, uh...

Courage.

Oh. Oh.

Oh, my dear neighbor.

I'm so glad you're here.

She has been calling for you.

I just saw the priest.

He seemed in a great hurry.

He was very peculiar.

Very peculiar.

She just confessed.

How is she?

She is doing splendidly.

The doctor says

she'll be on her feet in a week.

She'll be dead before morning.

She looks terrible.

I'd better go in.

[Door Opens]

lppolit, it's you. You've come.

Yes. I'm here.

- It's me.

- Oh, thank God.

Ippolit...

do you remember

our dining room suite?

Dining room suite?

In the big house in Stargorod.

- Before the revolution.

- Ah, yes.

Beautiful furniture.

Made by Hambs of London.

Ippolit, my jewels.

My diamonds.

I sewed them into

one of the chairs.

- What?

- My diamonds. My jewels.

I sewed them

into one of the chairs.

My gorgeous diamond tiara.

I wore it when I was

presented at court.

- My beautiful pearl earrings.

- [Whispers] Pearl.

- My emerald brooch.

- Emerald.

- My diamond necklace.

- [Whispers] Diamond.

The little gold cat

with the ruby eyes.

Stuffed in a ch...

How could you do

such a thing?

Why didn't you

give them to me?

Why should I have

given them to you...

when you had already squandered away

half my daughter's estate...

with your parties

and your horses?

Why didn't you take them out?

Why did you leave them there?

I didn't have time!

You remember how quickly

we had to flee?

They were left

in the chair.

Bozhe moi.

Bozhe moi.!

of jewelry...

stuffed in a chair!

Heaven knows

who may sit on that chair!

If it's still a chair!

It may be firewood by now.

How could you do such a thing?

How could you do

such a thing?

How could you do

such a thing?

Please, lppolit.

I know I did wrong, but...

please forgive me.

Of course.

Of course, maman.

Of course I forgive you.

Thank you.

Now I can die in peace.

[Man Singing]

[Singing Continues]

[Singing Continues]

[Singing Continues]

[Singing Continues]

[Ends]

Give! Open your heart!

Thank you, sir.

Thank you. Very generous of you.

Now there's a healthy girl.

What can I say,

little father?

It's a miracle.

I can see.

I can walk.

Rejoice!

Do you love me?

Well, let's just say

that I am very much in lust with you.

- [Key Clicking In Lock]

- Oh, my God. My husband!

Your husband?

Out goes the bad air,

in goes the good air.

- Out goes the bad air...

- What's going on?

- Who are you?

- This woman is my wife. I'm her husband.

She fainted just outside the door.

I'm giving her artificial respiration.

How dare you allow a frail creature

like this to carry heavy bundles.

- Has she ever fainted before?

- Never. Maybe once. I don't know.

All right. Come on.

Take over.

Now remember,

out goes the bad air...

in goes the good air.

[Together]

Out goes the bad air, in goes the good air.

- I should report you for this, but we'll let it go.

- Thank you.

You are very kind. It will never happen again.

I promise. Never.

- See that it doesn't.!

- Out goes the bad air, in goes the good air.

Out goes the good air,

in goes the bad air.

Out goes the good air,

in goes the bad air.

- [Birds Twittering]

- [Dog Barking In Distance]

[Creaks]

[Snoring]

[Snoring Continues]

- [Snorts, Mutters]

- There, there.

There. Oh, boy.

You must have fallen.

Thank you.

- Who are you?

- Ostap Bender at your service.

Cigarette?

Thank you.

Tell me, uh, comrade...

"Comrade." "Comrade."

Everybody calls me comrade.

Everybody in the new

Soviet Union is a comrade.

People you don't know,

strangers.

Everybody says "comrade."

Oh, I miss Russia.

Hmm, yes.

Tell me, uh, what goes on

in this great house?

Mostly dying.

Dying.

It's an old-age home

for weary, old ladies.

They tippy-toe in,

they have a little bowl of porridge...

and... [Raspberry]

that's it.

Oh, what a pity.

What a pity.

See, I thought

it was a hotel.

You, uh... You don't happen to know

of any nearby, do you?

You see, I've come a long way,

and I'm seeking suitable lodgings for the night.

Oh, uh, by the by...

do you happen to have

a spare bed down there?

[Exhales Deeply]

[lmitating English Accent]

No, I don't, Mr. By the By.

I don't happen to have

a spare bed.

There isn't a spare bed

in all of Russia!

People are sleeping

between each other...

and you're talking spare bed.

You make me laugh.

Ho, wah, wah, wah, wah.

"Spare bed."

You must be nuts.

- [Shatters]

- Listen.

I'll tell you what.

If you'll buy me a drink...

you can sleep on the floor.

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