The True Memoirs of an International Assassin



Come on!

Oh, fu...

Okay, RPG's way over the top.

What is the next move?

Next move.

What would he do next?

What would he do next?

What's up, man? We doing this?

What's he gonna do?

All right. Catch you later.

Ka-Bar tactical knife.

Let's light this candle.

- Come here.

- Help.


Let me go! Help! Help!

Give me your hand.

- What are we gonna do?

- Crash.

Hopefully in the water.

We can survive that?

Let's go with it for now.

Yeah! Yeah!

- Thank you, Mason.

- Well...

Oh, signature line time.

What do you say to a beautiful woman

whose life you just saved?


Signature line time.

I got nothing.

Wait, wait, wait. Hold it.

Thank you, Sam.

- No thanks needed.

Just doing what any man would do.

Let's just say you owe me one.

You owe...

Missy, you owe...

I'm sorry. Are you still talking to me?

Oh, no, I'm sorry. I was...

thinking what I would say

to a beautiful woman. Sorry. I didn't...

Not that you're not... beautiful.

I didn't...

This is a different one.

- This one's in my head.

- Okay.

I'm coming, too.

I'm not following you.

I'm not following you. I'm going this way.

Whoa, Larson.

This isn't some kind

of disgruntled employee thing?

No, no, I'm not disgruntled.

I'm totally gruntled.

I'm gonna need these home electrical

fire tables on Monday.

Uh, excuse me.

Wasn't Jerry supposed to do these?


All right, here's the deal.

Between you and me,

I never should've hired Jerry.

But what am I supposed to do, right?

That's my wife's brother.

Not to mention,

I accidentally texted him a d-pic...

which was meant for...

Jill the intern. You've seen her, yeah?

Right, no, I know. Anyway, the point is,

he's got me by my Bert and Ernies.

The thing is I'm about to finish my book.

And I just...

I wanted to take the weekend

to polish it up.

Make sure it's accurate.

Okay, how about you just make sure

that these are as accurate as possible?

That's why you get paid the big bucks.

I'm kidding.

I know you make less than I do.

Good stuff.

Fire tables, Monday.

Let's stay athletic, people.

Stay athletic.

Mind and body. Mind and body.

- Thank you, Mason.

- Well...

that's why I get paid the big... bucks?


Yeah, that was...

That was pretty bad.


Sorry, Mr. Lowenthal.

Never bring a knife to a gunfight.

Works, works, works.


- Here's some Italian.

- I owe you one.

I know you're good for it.

If a Mossad agent had to crash land

a helicopter into the water...

You know I was just an analyst, right?

I'm not asking if you had to.

I'm asking if a field agent had to.

Samuel, when was the last time

you had a date?

- What do you call this?

- Two putzes in a pool hall.

Yeah, well, last night I saved

a beautiful woman in Tangier.

Well, you'd better be careful.

You don't want the best things

to happen to your alter ego.

Yeah, well, right now my alter ego's

on a helicopter about to die.

Now, come on, I bought you lunch.

Fill me in here. What's up?

A field agent wouldn't crash a copter.

He would jump out.

Better chance of surviving a fall

than a crash.

Wouldn't the fall kill you

before the crash?

It depends on the height

and how you land.

There's a story,

and I don't know how true it is,

of an assassin so deadly

that he eliminated

over 30 high-value targets

in his short career.

They say for his final mission,

he was hired by the Brits

to poison a Venezuelan general in '88.

So, the operative escaped

in the helicopter, but they shot it down.

And most believe

that that was the end of him.

- Oh, but he lived.

- Well, there are some who think

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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