The Trip to Italy

Hello?

- Steve?

- Yeah.

Who's this?

- It's Rob.

- Oh, hey.

Hey.

How are you?

- Good.

How-how are you?

- Yeah, good.

How is the show going?

- Uh, just finished.

Just starting the hiatus.

Yeah, I know.

I-I spoke to your agent.

Listen, The Observer wants us

to do more restaurant reviews,

another six lunches.

- Really?

- But this time in Italy.

Ma belle Italia, yeah?

Beautiful countryside,

beautiful wine,

beautiful women, beautiful food.

What do you think?

Well, um...

- And they?! fly you

to Europe.

First class?

- Or business

or upper-class Virgin.

This is according to

The Observer-

"Nowhere in Italy

compares with Piemonte

"for travelers looking for

a combination of fine wines,

"gastronomy,

and beautiful countryside.

"The area to explore

"is just an hour's drive

down the autostrada"

"from Turin, from Bra,

through Alba, then Asti,

"takes you through

a panoply of vineyards

"producing Italy's greatest"

Batch, Barbaresco, Barbara. "

Hanna-Barbara.

Sufferin' succotash!

I thought I thaw a puddy tat!

I did!

Pbbt!

"The Trattoria della Pasta"-

uh, which is where

we're going-

"is set in rolling hills

clad with vineyards.

"This elegant trattoria

is the ideal place

for a romantic evening. "

- You know I'm not a homosexual,

don't you?

- No, we're not having

a romantic evening.

We are gonna have

a stimulating lunch.

- Good.

Good.

And if romance should occur,

we'll deal with it

as it happens.

- The only time

I'd ever snuggle up to you

is if I was on the side

of the Eiger, on a shelf,

and not to do so

would mean I'd freeze to death.

Well, in that situation,

you know

what you're meant to do.

You're meant to get as close

to each other as you can.

- I know.

You have to spoon.

- Spooning, yeah, yeah.

- I know.

- Can wee on each other as well,

and that's-

- Well, that's where recreation

meets survival, isn't it?

Yeah.

I've also sorted out the music,

the iPod.

I've gone for a-

a broad selection,

a lot of Italian stuff,

a lot of, um, opera, obviously.

- Good. Good.

- Don Giovanni.

Rigoletto...

Uh, Verdi.

Then a smattering of Wales

and the Welsh

to tie in

with the beautiful countryside.

- Right, Verdi's sounding

very, very appealing

right now, I have to say.

- I've got some Stereophonics

and some Tom-

Jones.

- We're not gonna be doing

any impersonations, are we?

Because we talked about that.

- No.

If I sing along,

that's not an impersonation.

It just so happens

I bear an uncanny resemblance,

vocally and physically, to Tom.

- What?

'Cause you look 75?

Why is this-

Ohh!

- I promise you I haven't

sabotaged the sound system

because of my aversion

to your karaoke inclination.

- Why is-

there's nothing at all.

"Mm!

Bane.

That's actually-

That is-that is nice.

I'll take your word for it.

No, no, no, no.

Grazia.

- Grazia.

Seriously?

You're not drinking?

- No.

When did this come about?

- I've not drunk

for about nine months.

- So you're not gonna drink

at all on the trip?

Wow.

- I'm surprised The Observer

wanted you to do this again.

I mean...

- Well...

- Neither of us

know anything about-

with respect-know anything

about food, really.

- I know a little bit

about food.

Well, yeah, but you don't-

- But when I wrote

the last ones,

I concentrated

not so much on the food.

It was more a journey.

It was the culture.

It was-it was Wordsworth

and Coleridge.

Now it's gonna be Byron

and Shelley.

- It just feels odd doing

something for a second time.

You know, it's like

second album syndrome, isn't it?

Everyone has this amazing,

expressive first album,

where they

put everything into it,

and the second album's

a bit of a damp squib.

it's like trying to do a sequel,

isn't it?

It's never gonna be

as good as the first time.

Godfather ll.

- Which is the one

that people always mention

when they try to search

for an example

of a sequel that's as good as...

Just when I thought I was out,

they pull me back in.

- What's this licking thing

you always do?

You look like some sort of...

It's what Pacino does.

Small gecko.

That's what he does.

Just when I thought

I'd made two

terrific movies,

they go and make another!

I'm back in.

- it's okay; he's just doing

an impersonation.

it's fine.

Look at Byron.

You know, Childe Harold made him

the most popular poet

in all of Europe,

and when he wrote that, he did

the first two cantos, right?

And he said, "if this is a hit,

I'll write more. "

If it's not a hit,

I won't do any more. "

- You should do the same

at the end of your shows-

promise the audience

you won't do any more

if they don't like it.

- At the end of my successful

tours and live shows?

- Oh.

- Okay.

Oh, gosh.

Grazia.

- Grazia.

- Pnego. Bon appetite.

- Grazia.

- Molto grazie.

Mmm.

That is lovely.

Childe Harold,

Byron wrote, was a thinly veiled

self-portrait.

I was aware of that.

- Thought we could do

a similar thing with you,

Childe Stephen,

follow you

on your travels and-

- Well, it wouldn't be

a pseudonym, would it?

'Cause I'm called Stephen.

Byron wasn't called Harold.

- No.

- Was he?

- He was actually

George Gordon Lord Byron.

Gordon.

Understandably, he, um-

Ditched the Gordon.

He ditched the Gordon.

It's not a romantic name.

- it's not a poet's name,

Gordon, no.

it's not.

Gordon Byron on line three.

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