The Toxic Avenger: The Musical

Genre: Musical


(distant rumbling)

(water dripping)

(metallic creaking)

(breath hissing)

(fluid dripping)




(dramatic music)

- [Narrator] Global warning is upon us,

the Earth is in crises.

It is a time in need of heroes,

especially in one

particular, horrible place.

(slow sympathetic music)


- Ah.

There's a


(audience laughing)

There's a place

between heaven and hell

Don't need no map,

just follow the smell

A place filled with filthy air

A place full of dark despair

A place you have no prayer

A place called

(audience snickering)

New Jersey

(dramatic music)

New Jersey

New Jersey

The Garden State

(lively music)

There's an exit called the 13B

Right off the turnpike where

it smells just like pee

An exit no one dares get off

An exit where the children cough

An exit called Tromaville

(thunder crackling)


If the pollution doesn't

get you, the aroma will

Who will save New Jersey?

We're dying for some air

There's no hope in New Jersey, Lord

Does anybody care

Lord, does anybody care

- Ladies and gentlemen,

the story we're about to

tell you is so disturbing,

we have stationed a registered

nurse outside in the lobby.

- She has doctor

prescribed Valium to sedate

the easily terrified!

- She also has Prozac and

ketamine she got off the internet.

- And for the love of God, do

not turn off your cell phones!

- The next few hours

are a part of your life

you're never getting back!

There's no hope in New Jersey

We're hanging by a thread

We're choking in New Jersey

We might as well be dead

Lord, we need a favor

We need a soggy savior

But who, who, who


I will save New Jersey

I'm Melvin Ferd III

Not him, Lord

I'm here for you, New Jersey

On that you have my word

There must be a solution

To end this damn pollution

It's time to start a global revolution

Sister, look at what

has infested our town

What is that wretchedness

It's waste, toxic waste

The worst problem we ever faced

It's sick, God, its sick

Look what it did to my measuring stick

- But where did it come from?

- Look there, across the

Hudson River, what do you see?

- Manhattan.

- The beautiful, conceited

people of Manhattan.

Happy to use New Jersey as

their toxic dumping ground!

(energetic music)

Now listen up Manhattan

We know you're stinking rich

Your bed sheets may be satin

But Jersey's not your bitch

Jersey's not your bitch

- Bless you son!

(audience chuckling)

- And don't worry, Sister!

I won't let anything stop me!

(bullies laughing)

Oh, no, the town bullies!

(dramatic music)


(hits thudding)




(audience chuckling)

- [Both] Word!

(bullies laughing

(audience chuckling)

(tender music)

God I love New Jersey

It's such a state of mind

Why do I love Jersey

Probably 'cause I'm blind

(audience chuckling)

- Hey, Sarah, it's me Melvin.

Down here!

- Huh?


(audience chuckling)

Oh, hi Melvin.

Hey have you noticed a

new smell in town lately?

- It's giant vats of toxic, nuclear waste!

- Well that makes sense.

Yesterday I turned on my kitchen

faucet and fire came out!

(audience chuckling)

Oh gosh.

Won't someone save New Jersey

That's my greatest wish

- Oh oh oh...

(audience chuckling)

I will save New Jersey

From mutant strains of fish

(lively music)

- What fish?

In Tromaville

In Tromaville

If the pollution doesn't

get you, the aroma will

- Oh look, the first sun bird of spring!



(audience laughing)

- So, there you have it.

There will be one brief intermission!

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David Bryan

David Bryan Rashbaum (born February 7, 1962), best known as simply David Bryan is an American musician and songwriter, best known as the keyboard player for the rock band Bon Jovi, with which he has also co-written songs and performed backing vocals. He is the writer of the successful Broadway musical Memphis. In 2018, Bryan was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame as a member of Bon Jovi. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018


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"The Toxic Avenger: The Musical" STANDS4 LLC, 2019. Web. 21 Aug. 2019. <>.

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