The Standoff

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1

Zane, Zane, Zane. Wait, can

you hear this song right now?

This is, like, my favorite song.

Zane, wait, hold on.

Wait, shh, seriously.

I'm talking right now.

Listen, can you hear the song?

Can you hear...

If you can hear it, you

should sing along with me.

It'll be like a duet.

It's super romantic.

- - Did you hear the song?

You don't? Well, I think you

should like my singing.

That's mean of you to say.

Yeah, I know I got all the words wrong.

I've only heard it once,

but it's, like, the best.

No, shut up, I have a

really good voice.

Hey, Zane?

How do you spell

"antidisestablishment-

Arianism"?

I'll never get over it.

Because it was the sixth

worst day of my life.

You've seen my list, okay?

I'm never gonna forget that.

What the... turtle?

Holy...!

Wow. So, this is your

big birthday surprise?

Yep. You know, I think

my dad misunderstood

when I told him I wanted

something "small and sporty."

Yeah, well, it

definitely is small.

You know, I had all these dreams

of packing up the

trunk of my new car

and driving off to college,

independent and adventurous

and in charge of my own destiny.

Now I'm more likely to get

run over by a semi truck

before I even hit the suburbs.

Here, you could use this.

Is there something

wrong with my hair?

Uh, no, nope. I just think

you need a little touch-up.

Oh, yep.

Like, all up in there, yeah.

Okay, yeah you... it's better.

Much better.

- Oh!

- You look good.

You know, the blue

is pretty, though.

It's, like, good for your

skin tone, your eyes.

I'm feeling it.

- My eyes are brown, though.

- Yeah.

- Uh-huh.

- That was what I said.

- Okay.

- Come on, we're gonna be late.

Okay.

Here's your brush.

Came out of nowhere, like

some kind of ninja turtle,

which I think is where

they got the title from.

Anyway, if it wasn't for

my fear of retribution

from animal rights activists, I

would've just mowed the thing down,

but I made the conscious

decision to, like,

swerve out of the way

and save its life

- because I'm a hero.

- Yeah.

Well, they don't really go over the

whole turtle thing in driver's ed.

They don't, which is

extremely upsetting to me,

because it put a serious

dent in my dream

to be a taxi driver-

slash-male model.

Dude, that was

never gonna happen.

- I couldn't be a taxi driver?

- No, I'm sorry.

On the plus side, a scooter

is super easy to park.

I guess so.

- And it's environmentally friendly.

- True, that's good.

And on the weekends, you can

make Chinese food deliveries.

- Mmm, okay.

- Specifically to me.

What...?

As if my day wasn't bad enough.

Where is that obnoxious weasel?

I just don't understand why my

dad won't get me another car.

It's every teenager's right

to have a car, okay?

That's in the constitution.

Thomas Jefferson was

all over that one.

I'm actually kinda on your

dad's side about this one.

Because this is like the

third car you've totaled.

Like everyone hasn't

been through that.

It's part of learning

how to drive!

- I've never totaled...

- Whoa. Ahem!

No. No, no,

no, no, no.

You know, you can be

arrested for that?

- Oh, can I?

- Uh-huh.

Arrested, for committing

this public service?

This is part of my campus

beautification initiative.

You can read about it

in my five-step program,

"how Farrell Bennett

will become president."

Okay, yeah, you know, if you wanted

to clean this campus, Farrell,

- you'd leave it.

- I would never leave this campus.

Did you hear the news? Big Jim is having

a contest. You can win a new car!

I could win a new car.

That's what we were just talking about.

It's fate... thank you.

I don't know who that guy is.

Bye, friend.

- We'll finish this later.

- Yes, we will.

Let's go, Emerson.

- Uh...

- Okay, em, come on.

- Emerson.

Arrested.

Hey, there!

I'm big Jim!

Like you don't already know.

And as always, I'm here

at big Jim's car depot,

- with my loyal dog, Bo!

Hey, wave hi there, Bo!

Now listen up. Here at

big Jim's car depot,

we feel your pain.

You're a teenager, and all

you want is a new car.

Well, how would you

like to win this car?

It's as simple as putting

your hand on this beauty,

and then it's all about

who wants it the most.

The teen who can stand with their

hand on this car the longest

drives her home.

If you're between the ages

of 16 and 19, you can enter,

just text "dreamcar"

to 06578.

Don't you get caught sittin'

in the slow Lane for too long.

You may get left in the dust!

- Come on, Bo!

Okay, so I downloaded an app that will

robotext in entries to the contest,

I've calculated

that by 3:
00,

I'll have entered

1.2 million times.

- Oh, you're gonna win.

- Oh yeah.

Wait, dude, this is

the wrong number.

No, it's not. Maybe it is.

I don't care.

- It'll get there, okay? I promise.

- Okay.

Wanna get lunch?

Therefore, fellow citizens

of these great classrooms,

I guarantee that if elect...

Excuse me...

When elected class president,

I will endeavor to

eliminate nuclear weapons,

not only from this campus,

but from the entire world.

I will make the

importation of ivory

illegal in all classrooms

in the upper school.

And I will negotiate

a unilateral

cease-fire

that will effectively end the

war with the junior class.

And also, I want to reinstate the

soda machines in the cafeteria

because we don't want no stinkin'

juice boxes anymore, yes!

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