The Ravenous Tales of Colonel Hart

21 min

Can I help you?


This guy goes to the

doctor for a checkup.

After a while, the doc says,

"Sir, you'll have to

stop masturbating. "

"Why? What for?"

"I'm examining you. "

Another guy goes to his doc.

"You said it was urgent, Doc. "

"Yes, I have good

news and bad news. "

"Start with the bad. "

"You only have a week to live. "

"Shit! And the good news?"

"My secretary agreed to go out

with me this weekend. "

Stop! Stop!

Back up.

Keep going.


It's Janie and her daughter.

The girl went to school with mine.

C'mon, we'll do it next time.

Come on!

What are you doing?


I shouldn't have hesitated.

But when it's your wife...

One just got his surveyor's diploma.

The other loved to monkey around.

Two nice boys.

If I'd known...

I told you not to.

No, if I'd known...

Known what?

I'd have emptied my bank account

and taken my kid to see Mickey Mouse

like I promised.


- You know Turgeon's girl?

- Katy?


I'd have gone to her door...

...with a big bouquet.

I'd have said to her,

"Hey, Katy,

you know what?

I always liked you.

What are you doing

with that loser Turgeon?"

She'd have slugged me,

she hated my guts.

At school you made

fun of her braces.

It was my way of showing I liked her.


I know.


The idea of going to her place.

Of all the possibilities,

you'd choose that?

No wonder you prefer Roger Moore

to Sean Connery.

Not like Walt Disney

isn't predictable.

The sky's the limit

and you choose to go see a

giant mouse with a stupid smile.

And me to get slapped

by Katy Valaire...

Yup, our lives don't amount to much.

Need something?

You're going to have to strip.


To see if you've been bitten, hon.

Can I get you a beer?

What's left out there?

You're the first survivors

I've met in days.

Take as long as you need.

What do you want?

It's my hunting camp too.

Vzina's not with you?

Fucking Vzina.

He puts down his entire family

and still managed to laugh.

That's Vzina.

And Stevie?

Two days ago we saw smoke at Darveau's,

and he went to look.

He hasn't come back?

Maybe he got bitten.

I'd be surprised.

Where you going?

Does Thrse know about her boy?

You better tell her.

She sure made great muffins.

There's a girl tied to my bunk.

Why's she there?

She claims a dog bit her.

Try not to make too much noise

with your pickup.

Want to know what'll happen?

At first you'll feel weird.

Does it come from the water,

the air, our genes?

Who knows?

You'll think it's a headache.

You'll feel nauseous.

The next day,

you'll get blotches on your skin.

You'll want to see the doctor.

Like everyone else

he's vanished into thin air.

Another day goes by.

You start to feel stronger.

But your fingers turn black

and you spit up molasses.

The next thing you'll realize is

you're kneeling on the kitchen floor,

gnawing on your kid's guts.

I can't hear, he plugged my ears.

Wait. Wait!

Don't go!

Please! Please!

Come here!

- A dog really bit you?

- Yes.

- Tell me the truth.

- I swear.

If it was them, would you say?

I mean, yes! Yes!


The gun!


Shoot, f*ck!

You didn't want a gun?

That's my map.

I've never seen you before.

My dad has a cabin on Trout Lake.


Fucking Bonin, works every time.

Bonin, Bonin, Bonin...

You never change.

Sure don't.

So, Bonin,

you've been busy while I was away.

So the nerd does more than

just read science.

It's science fiction, Demers.

- What's up?

- Not much.

By the way,

I ran into Gingras's mom.

- What's with her?

- How so?

She tried to bite me.

Did she get you?

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Submitted on August 05, 2018


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"The Ravenous Tales of Colonel Hart" STANDS4 LLC, 2020. Web. 28 May 2020. <>.

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