The Physician

IN EUROPE'S MIDDLE AGES, HEALING ARTS DEVELOPED

DURING ROMAN TIMES ARE ALMOST FORGOTTEN

NO DOCTORS OR HOSPITALS...

ONLY TRAVELING BARBERS WITH

LITTLE KNOWLEDGE

AT THE SAME TIME ON THE OTHER END OF

THE WORLD MEDICAL SCIENCE FLOURISHES

THE PHYSICIAN:

ENGLAND:

1021 A.D.

[Barber] Back and forth, up and down...

left to right for more than

one hundred years.

But nowhere have I had the pleasure of

looking out upon a crowd...

with prettier girls...

than here in your wonderful

Rough Dovender.

Why do I specially like it here because...

I always lay me best eggs here.

[Imitates chicken clucking sounds]

Ladies, Lords from broken bones...

to teeth rotting down in your jawbone...

to useless stumps.

From pustules on the backside to

thick, black fluid in your lungs.

No matter the ailment conjured up by the

devil to plague us poor Christian folk.

Me and me alone has the cure.

ME AND ME ALONE HAS THE CURE!

[Rob] Hey !That's my bread.

- [Rob]Give it back!

- [Barber]Heal up, come up, heal up for 3 pence...

Dear Lord Jesus. Have mercy upon us,

your poorest children.

Protect my sweet Rob from the anger

and much a-fists of bigger boys.

Turn back the stinky finger my Samuel uses

pull snot from his nose at table.

And let my baby Anne wait until I

finish grace before

she puts so much of a crumb

of bread in her greedy little mouth.

Amen.

[Kids] Amen.

Ma?

It's nothing.

Ma?

Mom!

Oh dear God, make it stop.

Ma!

Come quick, my ma needs help.

- Go away. I'm not here.

- Please, barber.

To hell with "please, barber"!

What do I care about another whimsy whore

in this dung-hole of a city.

Go home! Come back tomorrow if she

ain't dead by then!

Get out of my wagon!

I cleanse this sinful heart with this

sacred oil.

In the name of the Father, the Son

and the Holy Ghost.

Amen.

Hurry!

- Ma, I've brought the barber to heal you.

- Oh!

[woman] What's he doing here?!

She's got him. It's too late...

for me.

There is no cure for what ails this

woman but the grace of God.

Anything else would be called witchcraft.

Amen, Father. You've taken the words

out of me mouth.

No, barber, please!

Is there someone here who disputes the

authority of the Holy Church?

Father, not me.

Dear God and Lord Jesus...

have mercy on us three children.

Return our mother to us.

We need her more than you.

Please, Lord Jesus.

Please God.

The utensils go to whoever takes

the youngest.

- We can take the two youngest.

- They can sleep in the stable.

If you can take two, why not three?

The oldest is too grown up.

We can't fill his hungry mouth.

Don't cry, Samuel. Mother... she's

always with us.

Let's go!

Come on! Come on!

Rob!

Come on!

Come on!

I'm taking these for the penny owed

for the sacred oil.

Where should I go?

Pray to the Almighty God for guidance.

- I can look after horse. I know horses.

- My heart bleeds for you lad.

Who's there?

Show yourself!

Before the 3 of us come up and

rip you apart.

How did you get here?

You need a faster horse.

Down.

- Please, just tonight.

- No.

Get your filthy rump out of here.

- Please.

- NO!!

Could you have saved her, Barber?

There's no cure for side sickness.

- Is your Ma still alive?

- Nah, died pushing me out.

- Do you have family?

- No.

I'm sorry. Who do you talk to

when you're all alone?

I don't. I sleep like now.

You have to shut your hole.

I've seen everything the good Lord

put on the Earth for us to see.

And some terrifying things no

man was supposed to witness.

That's why I can stand here before you

and say that...

I'm gonna tear off your arms.

And then I'm gonna kill ya.

I was just dressing a wound.

No where have I had the pleasure...

of looking out up a crowd with

prettier girls...

No one less delighted by filthy tunes.

Then here, in beautiful Ethelweller.

Hell, it's broken.

For three pence I can fix it for you.

Come see us at the marketplace.

Nowhere are the girls prettier.

- You said that already!

- Oh shut up. Hey !

My juggler!

I found him at the bottom of a well. Hop, hop!

The show is for free, and the

treatment is almost for free.

- Where the hell were you?

- House visit.

A spoonful of kidney ash, every morning...

gets your kidney problems out of the way.

For forgetfulness, tie the dried tongue

of a hooper bird around your neck.

- And this is a very special potion.

- This is witchcraft!

I picked the hops myself under

a full moon.

[heckler] You'll end up in hell.

It will stop your wife from bringing

more brats for the world.

Whether their yours or your neighbor's.

- [heckler] It's black magic!

- [Barber] Shut up! Come and get healed!

Can't the young barber do it?

There's no young barber here.

Just the ignorant apprentice of an

ancient master.

If you don't like the looks of me, you shouldn't

have fallen off your broomstick hag.

Who's next?

- Goodnight, little boy.

- Goodnight.

How was it?

Oh I'm in love.

You should stick to whores, too.

Much less stress...

another mans wives and daughters.

Oh, Rob...

- Need a hand old man?

- Ah! Don't you dare!

Bollocks.

Have you ever wondered what's inside?

In here.

Flesh, blood, bones. Your soul,

if you have one.

And down here?

More flesh, more blood.

So does side sickness come from

bad blood?

I don't care if it comes from my ass.

Can't cure it, can't charge for it.

Have you never wondered what's inside?

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes