The Perks of Being a Wallflower

The only time

I feel good falling

Is when I'm falling

fast and hard for you

The last two digits

when I'm calling

Fade away but somehow

I'll get through

The only time

I feel good sinking

Is when I'm sinking

fast and deep for you

You caught me

as I was winking

Now I think my winking days

are through

Could it be another change

To come and rearrange?

Why can't she just

feel that way I do?

Dear friend...

I am writing to you

because she said you listen and understand.

And didn't try to sleep

with that person at that party...

even though you could have.

Please, don't try to figure out who I am.

I don't want you to do that.

I just need to know that

people like you exist.

Like, if you met me you wouldn't...

think I was the weird kid

who spent time in the hospital.

And I wouldn't make you nervous.

I hope it's okay for me to think that.

You see, I haven't really

talked to anyone...

outside of my family all summer.

But tomorrow is my first day

of high school ever.

And I need to turn things around.

So I have a plan.

As I enter the school for the first time...

I will visualize what it will be like...

on the last day of my senior year.

Unfortunately, I counted and that's...

Hop, freshman toads! Hop! Let's move it!

We worked out all summer. Rock hard.

Hey, you know what?

Why don't you guys get a room?

Just 1,385 days.

In the meantime, I'd hoped that my sister,

Candace, and her boyfriend, Derek...

would have let me eat lunch

with their Earth Club.

Seniors only.

What are you doing with that plastic spork?

I don't wanna bring back silverware.

Derek, you're Earth Club treasurer.

Come on!

When my sister said "No," I thought...

maybe my old friend Susan

would wanna have lunch with me.

In middle school,

Susan was very fun to be around...

but now she doesn't

like to say "Hi" to me anymore.

And then there's Brad Hays.

Before my older brother

went to play football for Penn State...

he and Brad played together...

so I thought maybe he'd say "Hi" to me.

But Brad's a senior.

And I'm me. So who am I kidding?

On the bright side...

one senior decided to make fun of the

teacher instead of the freshmen.

He even drew on Mr. Callahan's

legendary goatee...

with a grease pencil.

The prick punch is not a toy.

I learned that back in 'Nam in '68.

"Callahan," sergeant said...

"you put down that prick punch.

You go kill some gooks."

And you know what happened?

That prick punch killed my best friend

in a Saigon whorehouse.

I heard you were gonna be in my class.

Are you proud to be a senior...

having to take freshman shop, Patty-Cakes?

Look, my name is Patrick.

Either you call me Patrick

or you call me nothing.

Okay, Nothing.

I felt really bad for Patrick.

He wasn't doing the impersonation

to be mean or anything.

He was just trying

to make us freshmen feel better.

Nothing, why don't you read first?

All right. "Chapter One."

Surviving your fascist shop teacher...

"who needs to put kids down to feel big."

this is useful, guys. We should read on.

My last class of the day

is Advanced English...

and I'm really excited to finally learn...

with the smartest kids in the school.

Nice Trapper Keeper, f*ggot.

Believe it or not, she's gotten

straight A's since kindergarten.

I'm Mr. Anderson.

I'm gonna be your teacher

for freshman English.

This semester we're gonna learn about...

Harper Lee's To Kill a Mockingbird.

Genius book.

Now, who'd like to get out

of the first pop quiz?

I'm shocked. All right.

Well, you can skip the quiz...

if you tell me which author

invented the paperback book.

Anyone?

He was British.

He also invented the serial.

In fact, at the end of

the third chapter of his first novel...

he had a man hanging from

a cliff by his fingernails.

Hence the term "cliff hanger."

Anybody?

- Yeah?

- Shakespeare.

That's a great guess, but no.

Shakespeare didn't write novels.

Anybody else?

The author...

was Charles Dickens.

However, if you and I had

gone to a Shakespeare play...

it would have cost us four pennies.

Can you imagine that?

We would have put those

pennies in a metal box.

The ushers would lock it in the office.

And that's where we get the term...

Cash register.

Office Max.

I'll give you a free "A" on anything...

except the final term

paper if you get it right.

Box office.

You should learn to participate.

Why didn't you raise your hand?

They call you the "teacher's pet"?

"Freak"? That kinda thing?

I used to get "spaz."

I mean, come on, "spaz"?

You know, I heard

you had a tough time last year.

But they say if you make one friend...

on your first day, you're doing okay.

Thank you, sir, but if

my English teacher...

is the only friend I make today...

that would be sort of depressing.

Yeah, I can see that.

Don't worry, Mr. Anderson, I'm okay.

Thanks.

I would happily not take shop...

Hey, freshman toad.

Well, I have 1,384 days to go.

Just so I say it to someone...

high school is even worse

than middle school.

If my parents ask me about it...

I probably won't tell them the truth...

because I don't want them...

to worry that I might get bad again.

If my Aunt Helen were still here,

I could talk to her...

and I know she would understand...

how I'm both happy and sad.

And I'm still trying

to figure out how that could be.

I just hope I make a friend soon.

Love always, Charlie.

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