The Perfect Score

SAT.

Suck Ass Test.

That's what that stands for.

This is the SAT I examination.

For the first section,

you have 30 minutes.

Last year, 2 million kids

took the Suck Ass Test

in order to get into college.

Scores range from 500, you're going

to community college, riding a bus,

to 1 600, you're Ivy League,

driving a Porsche.

It's a standardized test.

Standardized, meaning

they see us all the same.

A kid...

... is a kid...

... is a kid!

Take this kid, for instance.

Kyle.

He's a good guy, who knows

where he wants to go in life.

But for now, the SAT is standing

in the way of Kyle's dream.

It's telling him, "You're just..."

Time.

Then there's Anna,

the overachiever. You know the type.

A future Ph.D. with a nice A-S-S.

Good deeds, good grades.

But the SAT doesn't care about that.

You could be the class brain,

a kid in the middle

or dumb as a post.

When you walk into this room,

it's not about who you are.

The SAT is about who you'll be.

Well, I've seen worse.

I need a 1430.

I've applied to Cornell.

And what are your fallback schools?

I don't have any.

That's kind of risky, isn't it?

I mean, I'm looking at your file here,

and while your GPA is strong,

your PSAT score wasn't so great.

Don't you think that 1430 is...?

Is a little bit...?

When I was 7, I built

a log cabin out of Popsicle sticks.

You can go in the halls, and five out

of six kids are not gonna have a clue

what they wanna do

the rest of their lives.

But Mr. Dooling...I've known

since I was 7.

I want to be an architect.

As soon as I was

old enough to realize

there's one school that turns out

the greatest architects of our time,

I've wanted to go there.

Cornell University.

Cornell.

You know the guy

who designed our bus barn?

He attended a community college

just down the street.

Dooling said you couldn't do it?

That's Matty, Kyle's right-hand man.

They say misery loves company.

Well, it really loves Matty.

Dooling said the standardized

testing says I can't do it.

You're down to a 1 020?

Jesus, that's almost

as bad as me, man.

- What'd you tell your parents?

- What do you think?

We've never been so proud, son.

It's good. Look it.

Hundred and forty-three.

That's what I scored.

Remember, Mom?

Well, look at the positives.

At least one of us is going to college.

Hello, Maryland.

Matty's girlfriend, Sandy,

is a freshman at Maryland.

And he was now moments away

from hooking up with her in the fall.

Open the letter, Matty.

Yeah, you're right.

Why should the fact that you're

screwed ruin my big day, huh?

Oh, sh*t!

"SAT score insufficient."

This sh*t ain't fair!

Sandy's gonna be crushed.

You even know

what SAT stands for?

Suck Ass Test?

Scholastic Aptitude Test.

Then they got rid of that altogether.

You know what it stands for now?

SAT.

What?

SAT stands for SAT. That's it.

- That's f***ed up.

- Yeah, I know.

Sever All Ties, SAT.

I may as well

sever all ties with Sandy.

There must be somebody

we can talk to.

There's no one we can talk to?

Do you know how many kids wanna

go up and complain about their SATs?

I mean, if one goes up, they all go up.

What about her?

Unless your father owns the building...

- So we'll take the test again.

- Retest is in two weeks.

There's no time to get ready.

And even if there was,

what's gonna change?

I better call Sandy.

She's gonna love this.

Yeah, Sandy's room.

Some guy answered.

Roommate's boyfriend.

He said, "Sandy's room."

- So?

- So her roommate's Pam.

He'd say, "Pam's room",

not "Sandy's room."

- Pam's room! Pam!

- All right. All right, Matty.

- You're wired. It's the Red Bull.

- No! No! No!

The SAT did this!

The SAT is pimping out my girlfriend!

Damn it!

We gotta do something, man.

They're messing

with the rest of our lives.

Matty, the College Board made

millions of dollars last year.

- You think they give a sh*t about us?

- Just hear me out.

Because I'm not a dumb guy,

all right? I know things.

Ask me... Ask me who's got

the best pitching staff in baseball.

Or ask me... Ask me how to rebuild

a carburetor on a '71 Buick.

Ask me... Ask me what icing is,

for chrissakes.

- Make the point, Matty.

- The point is,

where the hell's that

on the test?

Because you learn

the rest in college.

I show up for a job interview, there's

a science geek, there's a math nerd.

Who's gonna get the job?

The guy who can throw down

at the water cooler,

who's heard

the new Ataris disk.

The guy who yakked in your Cutlass

after the Radiohead show.

Me! Me! That's me. I get the job.

I'm still seeing no point.

The point is that

they are not playing fair.

Why should we?

We know where the answers are.

ETS.

Maybe we should borrow them.

You want to steal

the answers to the SAT?

You have a talent, Kyle.

What you do with a pencil and paper,

I can't learn that.

They have a test

you're never gonna pass.

Kids struggle with the SAT.

That doesn't justify thievery.

No?

Did you see my dad's truck

when you drove up?

It's the one with the large crapper

on top of it.

It doesn't say

"Matthews' Septic" on it, Kyle.

It says "Matthews and Son's Septic"

on it.

Look, if I don't get into Maryland,

my life is sh*t.

Literally.

And it's not even my own sh*t.

Kyle. Dude, check this out.

Listen, listen.

Ready? Ready? Watch this.

Thank you, Princeton, New Jersey!

Think I did "Smoke on the Water."

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