The Night Before

Here's a little story I'd like to tell...

about three best friends

and their first Noel.

It begins right before Christmas 2001...

when a young man named Ethan

became an orphan.

His mama and papa both tragically gone...

it seemed for him

Christmas had sung its swan song.

As he sat alone on Christmas Eve...

his friends came over

and forced him to leave.

They had to get Ethan out of his funk...

so they went to a bar

and they got his ass drunk.

With tears and with sadness

they started to mend. Then they said:

No more crying. This sad shit must end.

Christmas was about family,

but now it's about friends.

Thus began a new tradition.

The friends hung on Christmas

and fun was their mission.

Who's the baddest motherfucker

on Christmas day?

You knew.

- Boom!

- What is it?

That shit holds a hundred songs

at one time.

I got the new Dave Matthews downloaded.

Oh, yeah. Ricky Martin.

That guy slays ass.

They chilled with each other,

did all sorts of stuff.

They drank many drinks,

they fucked shit up.

Light his dick.

Then one fateful night, 2008...

they realized that Christmas

can be even more great.

That eve at the bar,

they saw quite a sight.

Fellow seekers of joy

having one crazy night.

And there was a woman, so pretty to all.

They worked up the courage,

proceeded to call.

- Excuse me.

- Ethan said. And she turned with a fright.

Where were you guys partying

earlier tonight?

At a place so great

words cannot describe...

with so many drinks for one to imbibe.

With so many drugs,

I can't believe I survived.

What the f*ck...

Ethan asked.

...is this party called?

Why, you haven't heard?

It's the Nutcracker Ball.

They asked all around, but to no avail.

Where was this great party,

this whitest of whales?

And though year upon year

they tried and they failed...

they never did tire, they never did bail.

But over time, the fun did wane.

One friend had a family,

the other had fame.

As the years passed,

his boys, they grew up.

But it seems our boy Ethan

is just a little bit stuck.

What's up, buddy? No?

All right. You guys want any of this?

- No, thank you.

- Cool.

Keep it moving. There you go.

Yes, good.

Wait. No, no, no. What are you doing?

No one was eating this tuna,

so I thought...

No, no, no. You don't get to

make those executive decisions, elf.

How old are you?

- Thirty-three.

- Thirty-three.

Thirty-three years old, and you're an elf.

And you don't even know how to be an elf.

Show me the elf face.

It's happy. It's eager.

More whimsical.

Whimsy. Determined, though.

- There you go! That's it!

- That was it.

That's why you're coming back here

with a full tray.

I'm gonna move you to coat check.

This is your last chance.

And the whole time,

I wanna see that elf face.

Starting now.

Go.

Go.

These two are together.

No, gotta take the ticket.

Hi. Just you, sir?

Great. This is your ticket.

Please try not to lose it.

This is a very expensive coat,

so take care of it.

Absolutely, sir.

Here, ticket. Okay, this one.

Yeah.

Yeah. Great.

Hi. Merry Christmas, sir.

Hey, what are you doing?

Nothing.

I'm gonna be right back.

Now, where are you going?

I'm sick. Sick.

Congratulations. You're about to

have the best night of your life.

You will learn valuable lessons,

be filled with Christmas cheer...

and probably get laid.

We will release the location of our party

at 10 p.m.

Merry Christmas.

Yeah, I know, Ma. I'm sorry,

but I have to stay here and work hard.

How you think I'm having

such an amazing season?

I love you too. Merry Christmas.

Bye.

What's up, fellas? How's it going, man?

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