The Matchbreaker

1

Why'd you break up with her?

Seven reasons, actually.

Number one, she doesn't vote.

Eh?

Shh.

Number two, she cheered for

Bulgaria in the last Olympics.

Bulgarians don't

even cheer for Bulgaria.

Ok, so it was one Bulgarian,

and he was missing an arm.

The rest of the time,

she cheered for America?

Yes.

Ok, that one's a stretch too.

Look, why don't you just

forget your seven reasons

and admit that you

only need one to talk

yourself out of any girl?

What's that?

That she's not Emily.

False.

You've been in love with

Emily since the third grade.

No one's ever gonna measure up.

That's probably true.

Emily Atkins.

Imagine every day, a

12-year-old supermodel

literally turned your

hallway into a runway...

A runway of love.

Are you sure you're

not exaggerating a bit?

I don't even need to.

She was perfect in every way.

I doubt that.

Trust me.

While other kids were

building basic housing,

she was building Eiffel towers.

So she was French?

Nope, but she

spoke French fluently.

She was probably

the most thoughtful

person that ever existed.

One time, she had all

the kids in school

sign a card for Mrs. Lackra

when she broke her arm.

She even brought her flowers.

Or maybe that was her birthday.

I can't remember.

This year's humanitarian award

for her work with homeless

homing pigeons and reprogramming

the left handed, Emily Atkins.

I was in awe of her, never

dreaming that on June

4th, 2004, at 3:
26 pm,

she would take my heart,

throw it in a backpack,

toss it in a Van, and

drive away with it.

You poor thing.

I was devastated.

It was the worst day of my life.

Really?

Yep.

And I haven't seen her since.

It was the kind of love you

only get one chance at in life,

and I let it slip

through my fingers.

Quite a love story, considering

you never even spoke to her.

Yes I did, once.

What'd you say?

Ahh, that's a

moment that I'd like

to keep between me and Emily.

Look, I licked a leprechaun.

Ok, I think they got it.

Hold on, I'll

turn on the lantern.

Dang it, I said hold on!

Ok.

I think we should go

get Tully before I

burn this whole place down.

He's not going

to be in any hurry

if you don't pay your

half of the rent.

I will, all right?

I just got a little behind.

Who knew car repairs

would be so expensive?

Everyone.

You kidding me?

You actually wrote

down the reasons why?

I'm a visual thinker.

"Seven reasons to dump someone"

just looks bad on paper.

Dang it.

I told you not to

leave your stuff

in the middle of the floor.

- No, no, no.

Just shut up, all right?

I'm lecturing you right now.

All right, you're

never going to find

a girl as perfect as Emily.

Once you've been in the

presence of perfection,

it's hard to settle

for anything less.

Yeah, but you've become

such a nit picky freak.

It's a gift.

Tell that to your sister.

Come on, Lexie.

The guy's a loser.

He's not.

And tell me this.

He slept through

"sleepless in Seattle,"

the greatest romantic

comedy of all time,

but what does he have to say

about the transformers movies?

That there should be a

best picture consideration.

For which one?

All of them.

Case closed.

Why would you do that?

That's terrible.

Ok, there are studies that

show that cracking your knuckles

isn't bad for you.

Lexie, dump him.

He's cute.

Cute won't keep

the conversations

from drifting to the underrated

talents of Megan fox.

Have I ever steered

you wrong before?

Pet coyote incident

of 2003 comes to mind.

Fond memories.

Yeah, rabies shots

are memorable.

What?

Hey, you want a smoothie?

Oh, man.

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