The Long Weekend

A**hole!

Oh, f-u-u-uck!

Oh, Sh*t!

Ready?

Ow! Ow! Aargh!

Ohh!

Aaargh!

Oooh!

Yaargh!

Jesus!

Aargh!

Ohh!

Aargh, Jeez!

It hurts!

OK.

I don't suppose anyone remembers

the first moment they opened their eyes.

- Push.

- I sure don't.

But for my little brother Ed, I imagine

this is what the world looked like.

Little man.

Because this is how we'd

see things all through

childhood, adolescence,

and into adulthood.

You see, ever since he was strong enough

to lift a video camera,

he's had one pressed to his face.

He didn't mind what he was videoing

as long as he was videoing.

Ed. Hey.

I don't think we really

need to record Mr.

Fiddlesticks eating his

own poop for posterity.

OK He did get some funny stuff Ill admit.

But he didn't live life.

He viewed it.

Then edited the best

bits and archived them.

I mean, he was barely aware

of monumental world events,

but he could tell you the exact date

cousin Stevie gave up karate.

Ow!

Sure the guy was a nerd,

but he was my brother, and I loved him.

He was always there to capture

my many outstanding stage performances.

O you, the doors of breath

sealed with a righteous kiss.

Way to go, buddy!

And I hoped he'd give it up

when he went to college.

Instead, he found a whole new world to film.

Hey, Ed.

But he never made really good use

of his camera.

- Unlike his roommate, Jack.

- Oh, Jack! Oh!

Oh, Jack, it's so big! Oh!

It's so hot! Oh! Oh!

He even had the damn thing pressed to face

when he met his girlfriend Cathy.

She got me where she want me...

Oh, Sh*t!

She said, "Baby, come on"

Jesus!

I think I hit a retarded man.

Sometimes I think she was right.

After graduation, they moved in together.

And Ed got a job in advertising.

According to his boss, he was a natural.

Ed?

You are a natural, my son.

You've won another award.

You keep this up, and I'll see what I can

do about getting you a corner office.

- Thank you, Frank.

- Good boy.

Five buck tip?

Five bucks, that's it?

Was there something wrong

with your sandwich, sir?

Was the coffee cold?

No, the sandwich and the

coffee were fine, but

I ordered a cheeseburger

and an iced tea.

I'm sorry, man.

Do you need another five?

Here's ten.

Hey, thanks a lot.

What are brothers for?

I'll get you back real

soon, I promise, man.

My agent says I am so close

to my first big break.

She said you were so close

two and a half years ago.

Yeah, well, that was two

and a half years ago.

I have an audition for a Japanese whisky

commercial tomorrow. Do you believe it?

Cooper, you're in your mid-20s.

You've been doing this acting thing for,

what, six years now?

Yeah, give or take.

I think it's time you moved on,

thought about the future.

Become an adult like I have.

Did I mention he'd become

a tiny bit condescending?

Hey, Cathy?

I picked up your stuff from the cleaners.

Cathy?

Cathy?

Pumpkin?

Ed.

Jack? Hi.

Hi.

Are you ill?

Where's Cathy?

Cathy, what's going on?

Say something.

I don't think we should

see each other anymore.

What? No. Why? No!

What are you talking about?

I mean, this is... fine.

I mean, we can work it out, right?

I mean, a lot of people, they... Jack?

Can I have a moment with her?

Oh, yeah, sorry, man.

A lot of people have...

...affairs, you know?

It doesn't mean they've got to break up.

Right?

There are some things

Ill just never understand about Ed.

He could forgive Cathy for blowing Jack...

.. but then totally lost it

when he saw she was filming it

I helped him throw out every camera and

his entire obsessive compulsive archive.

And rather than going on a mission to f***

as many of Cathy's friends as possible,

Ed just moved out and swore

he'd never touch a video camera again.

In an instant

Ed had gotten rid of Cathy and home video.

And I can't say I was sorry

to see either of them go.

I thought he'd finally start exploring

life, having fun, getting p*ssy.

But he got even more

bottled up than before.

Yeah, well, what my brother Cooper

didn't know is that was living a nightmare.

Dude, she is going crazy. I sh*t you not.

She's digging her nails in, she's

screaming, she's moaning, she's like,

"Oh, do me. Do me. I feel like a whore. "

At random moments, scenes from my archives

kept coming back into my head.

Stop! Stop! Stop!

She's like, "Uh, uh, uh, uh!"

I'm like, "Get off of it!"

It's like dust coming out.

Or at the doctor's.

Now, Mr. Waxman,

you may feel a little discomfort.

Just try to relax.

Even worse, it affected me at work.

Mr. Mclntyre,

I must say that we here

at Barnes, Butcher,

Leiber, Melchett, Farquhar,

Hidalgo, and Roper

are one lucky advertising agency

to have a client as...

.. enlightened as yourself.

- And I'm not just saying that.

- Thank you.

It is nothing but elegant and classy.

That was you.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I present to you your new ad campaign,

which rolls out nationwide next week.

Ed, if you'll do the honours.

"Real fur. Ifs fur real. "

Yeah!

Wa-hay!

There it is! That's what I'm talking about!

Whoo!

That's right Yeah!

What a bunch of a**holes.

Do you really think this is going to

get people to start wearing fur again?

That question falls into

the "Who gives a f***?" Category.

Mclntyre wanted that slogan,

and it's his damn money.

You know what I'm saying?

We're here to help people

sell their product,

not just agree with

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes