The Long Kiss Goodnight

Synopsis: Samantha Caine, suburban homemaker, is the ideal mom to her 8 year old daughter Caitlin. She lives in Honesdale, PA, has a job teaching school and makes the best Rice Krispie treats in town. But when she receives a bump on her head, she begins to remember small parts of her previous life as a lethal, top-secret agent. Her old chums in the Chapter are now out to kill her so she enlists the help of a cheap detective named Mitch. As Samantha remembers more and more of her previous life, she becomes deadlier and more resourceful. Both Mitch and Charly proceed to do the killing thing, the bleeding thing and the shooting thing.
Genre: Action, Crime, Drama
Director(s): Renny Harlin
Production: New Line Home Entertainment
  3 nominations.
Rotten Tomatoes:
121 min

Mrs. Claus is hot!

My name is Samantha Caine.

At least, l think it is.

You might not believe it,

but l was born only eight years ago...

on a beach in New Jersey.

l entered the world fully grown,

wearing clothes l don't remember buying.

ln the back pocket,

a single key filed blank and faceless.

Fitting metaphor,

but otherwise no help whatsoever.


Sometimes l stand naked in the mirror.

Try to guess my age.

Maybe 35?

l have lots of scars.

They call my condition

''focal retrograde amnesia.''

lt's no picnic,

but l've learned to live with it.

Got a job l love.

Been seeing someone.

Nice guy.

Good sense of humor.

- Hound of the Baskervilles.

- Mad dogs.

- Hal?

- Yes, Sam.

Of all the Christmas pageants

l've ever seen...

this is by far

the most recent.

For God's sake, Sam, l have

teenage girls playing the wise men.

- What did you expect?

- Teenage boys?

l thought they did fine.

lt was the first Nativity where

Joseph stares at the wise men's tits.

Her name is Caitlin.

When l woke up on that long-ago day,

l was two-months pregnant with her.

l don't know who her father is.

l may never. l just know she's mine.

His name is Mr. Perkins.

My mom named him for me.

Caitlin, come help in the kitchen!

That's her.

- That's who?

- Her mom.

She's got amnesia.



Too weird.

Hello, girls.

Caitlin, come help me

in the kitchen.

Hurry up,

l forget where it is.


Catch you smoking, they'll never

find the body. Understand?

Yes, Ms. Caine.

Have a cookie.

As the year draws to a close...

l would like to share with you

just a few things about myself.

Things of which

l am especially proud.

First, l'm proud to say that...

l don't smoke...

l don't drink...

and l don't swear.

Oh, shit,

l do smoke and drink.

To our dear friends.

May the best of your past

be the worst of your future.

l'll drink to that.

Take a bow, my dear. Take a bow.

We got the mistletoe.

Eight years.

Except for my name,

all traces are lost.

l used to hire expensive detectives.

Now l use the cheap ones.

Doesn't seem to matter.

The woman l was...

the one l used to be,

she's gone.

l've kissed her goodnight.

Police! Don't move!

What the hell is this?

Don't give me attitude, sir.

You're assuming l won't shoot

your sorry ass.

When you make an assumption,

you make an ''ass'' of you and ''umption.''

l'm Sgt. Madigan, Vice,

and if you do cop a 'tude...

l will see to it you spend the next

lf the case is thrown out

because my arrest was violent...

l will hire men to ass-f*ck you

for the next ten years.

So if you're an ass-fucking fan...

go ahead and mouth off.

Meanwhile, you're under arrest

for the crime of prostitution.

Officer Dunleavy...

read him his rights.

- What?

- His rights.

You have the ''remight''--

You have the right

to remain silent.

Anything you say and do...

will be held against you--

Please, listen, l got a wife.

l never.

This is the first time...

l've ever done this.

l swear!

Sir! Listen to me.

l can see from your choice here,

you're not a wealthy man.

Because of the damage

this arrest could do to you...

l think we might be able

to make an arrangement.

Oh, God!

Gotta stop using bums.

Forget that.

They looked like cops.

We pulled it off, didn't we?

lt was embarrassing.

You want me to hire actors?

These guys are cheap.

They work for food.

When they puke,

is that a like a refund?

l'm pissing myself

you're so funny.

- What's this?

- l got movement on Samantha Caine.


No, l may have a lead on someone...

who rented Amnesia Chick

an apartment back in 1987.

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Shane Black

Shane Black (born December 16, 1961) is an American screenwriter, director, producer, and actor. He wrote such late 1980s and early 1990s action movie hits as Lethal Weapon (1987) and made his directorial debut with the film Kiss Kiss Bang Bang (2005). His acting credits include Predator (1987). more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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