The Little Rascals

Synopsis: The story begins with Spanky, who is the president of the "He-Man Woman Haters Club" with many school-aged boys from around the neighborhood as members. His best friend, Alfalfa, has been chosen as the driver for the club's prize-winning go-kart, called "The Blur", in the annual Soap Box Derby style race. However, when the announcement is made, Alfalfa is nowhere to be found. The boys catch Alfalfa in the company of Darla -- "a girl!" Alfalfa isn't like his friends because he's in love with Darla, and unfortunately threatens the very existence of their "boys only" club. The club's members try their hardest to break the two apart, eventually causing their beloved clubhouse to burn down. Darla is mistakenly led to believe Alfalfa feels ashamed of her, so she turns her attentions to Waldo, the new rich kid whose father is an oil tycoon. Further trouble ensures when their prized go-cart "The Blur" is stolen by local neighborhood bullies But
Director(s): Penelope Spheeris
Production: MCA Universal Home Video
  2 wins.
 
IMDB:
6.3
Rotten Tomatoes:
23%
PG
Year:
1994
82 min
5,457 Views


Spanky- Go get 'em, Petey!

Stymie- Petey! what's up, pup?

Kid 1- Get it, Stymie, get it!

Kid 2- Hey, where's your mitt?

Stymie- Don't worry about it.

Kid 1- All right!

Kid 2-Good catch!

Man- Hello, Petey.

Froggy- Be back later, Mom!

Buckwheat- Got anything, Porky?

Porky- Not a bite, Buckwheat.

Buckwheat- Hmm.

Porky- I got something! I got something!

Buckwheat- Me too! A big fat one!

Porky- whoa!

Buckwheat- whoo!

Porky- whoa!

Buckwheat- whoa! Yo, Petey, come here! Thanks, Petey!

Porky- whoa!

Buckwheat- Hey, Porky, look! A note.

Porky- What's it say? We gotta learn to read.Froggy- You're okay. You're okay. You're all right. Go on in. You're okay. Go on in. What's the

"high" sign? Go on in. You're okay. Wrong sign, Porky. Okay, go on in. You're okay, Elmer.

Butch- You little creep.

Kid- Sit down!

Stymie- Gentlemen and gentlemen, I give you our president, Spanky.

Kid- Hi, Spanky!

Kid- How's it goin', Spanky?

Kid- Nice to see ya, Spanky.

Kid- Hey, Spanky, what's up?

Spanky- How are ya? Good to see ya. Your fly's undone. Welcome!

Kid- All right, Spanky!

Kid- Hey, Spanky!

Stymie- All raise your right hand. Your other right hand. I...

Kids- I...

Stymie- Stymie...

Kids- Stymie...

Stymie- Member in good standing of the He-Man woman-Haters Club...

Kids- Member in good standing of the He-Man woman-Haters Club...

Stymie- Do solemnly swear to be a He-Man and hate women and not play with them or talk to

them unless I have to, and especially never fall in love. If I do, may I die slowly and painfully and

suffer for hours or until I scream bloody murder.

Kids- Do solemnly swear to be a He-Man...

Butch- You thinkin' what I'm thinkin', woim?

Woim- Yeah, Butch. What are we thinkin'?

Butch- How much fun it's gonna be to stomp those guys in the race.

Kids- painfully... and suffer for hours...bloody murder!

Spanky- Ready to take down the minutes, Uh-Huh?

Uh-huh- Uh-huh.

Spanky- As you know, today I called an emergency meeting for a very important reason. But

first, any good stories?

Buckwheat- Me!

Spanky- Buckwheat.

Buckwheat- Yeah! This morning my sister left the toilet seat down.

Kids- Eww!

Porky- Women make men miserable.

Spanky- Froggy.

Froggy- Yeah, there's this girl who moved in across the street...

Kids- Eww!

Froggy- And she came over 'cause she wanted to play.

Kids- Eww!

Froggy- But don't worry, I got back at her.

Kids- what'd you do?

Spanky- what'd you do?

Froggy- I whipped out my lizard.

Spanky- Hmmph!

Kids- Yea!

Spanky- Good job, Frogman. Are you gettin' this, Uh-Huh?

Uh-huh- Uh-huh.

Spanky- All right, men, let's talk about the pride of our club, the Blur.

Buckwheat- The Blur has never been beaten, since the beginning of time, five years.

Stymie- This Sunday, we defend our honor, our undefeated streak and our trophy.

Spanky- Best of all, this year's trophy will be presented by none other than the famous Indy race

car driver A.J. Ferguson.

Stymie- Wow! He's the best driver in the whole world!

Froggy- Men, can I have an "Azuga"?

Kids- Azuga! Azuga! Azuga! Azuga! Azuga!

Spanky- Hey, nice Azugas. And now the reason for the emergency meeting: the choosing of the

driver!

Kids- Yea!

Froggy- Our driver should be a man who's all He-Man.

Porky- A He-Man so manly that if he fell off a building, he'd go out of his way to land on a girl.

Spanky- Gentlemen, this year...our driver's name is...none other than my lifelong chum...my

best buddy in the whole wide world...the one and only Alfalfa!

Kids- Yea!

Buckwheat- Otay!

Spanky- Say... where the heck is Alfalfa?

Alfalfa- # You are so beautiful to me. Can't you see? You're everything I hope for. You're

everything I need. You are so beautiful to me-eeee #

Spanky- There he is, you guys! Come on!Stymie- He's with a girl.

Spanky- Quiet, Petey.

Porky- They're together.

Spanky- Oh, no!

Buckwheat- This is awful.

Spanky- Buckwheat, hand me your fishin' pole.

Alfalfa- Oh, Darla, we're two hearts with but one beat. Two souls with but one thought. Shoe.

souls with but one... shoe.

Darla- Then how can you belong to that silly woman-Haters Club? You know, I'm a woman. Sort

of.

Alfalfa- Let me tell ya something, Darla. I'm not like those guys. I'm a sensitive male.

Kids- Eww!

Alfalfa- I'm into sharing, caring, feeling and healing. I'm in touch with my feminine side.

Darla- How nice.

Buckwheat- It's worse than I thought.

Darla- You know, the big talent show at the fair is coming up, and I was wondering if maybe

you'd like to sing with me.

Alfalfa- You mean it? I'd be honored. Hey, I've got an idea. Let me take you on a picnic

tomorrow.

Stymie- Excuse me?

Alfalfa- The way you feed my soul...I can...feed your face.

Darla- Cool! And to prove you're proud of me...why don't we have our picnic in your clubhouse?

Spanky- No!

Alfalfa- Tomorrow? Tomorrow? Swimming day. Sure!

Darla- Oh, Alfalfa! You're a sweetie poo!

Kids- Blech!

Butch- All right, woim, ready for the test run?

Woim- Ready, Butch!

Butch- Look! There goes our bumper! All this work for nothing.

Alfalfa- Everything's workin' out perfectly. The guys are at the swimming hole, and I'm at home with a toothache.

with a toothache. Nothing can possibly go wrong. Hiya, Butch.

Butch- Shut up! When's the last time we beat you up?

Alfalfa- Let's see. Today's the 10th. Thirty days hath September, April, June and November. It's

not a leap year. Y-Yesterday.

Butch- You're due!

Alfalfa- Look!

Woim- I don't see nothin'!

Butch- Come on, you doink! Let's go! He can't run very fast. Come back here, you ugly little

squid!

Alfalfa- No! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! whoa! whoa! Whoa! Aah! Help! Whoa!

Butch- Yech!

Alfalfa- I've come a-courtin'. These are for you.

Butler- Fifi! Good doggie.

Waldo- I hope Fifi didn't startle you. She's so playful. Forgive my effrontery...but you, miss, are a

rare rose in a garden of weeds. You have the sophistication of a woman of 12. My name is

Waldo Aloysius Johnston lll.

Alfalfa- I'm Alfalfa!

Waldo- Yes, I'm sure you are.

Darla- And I'm Darla.

Waldo- We just moved into town. My father bought the oil refinery.

Darla- That explains why you're so refined.

Alfalfa- Yeah, and so oily!

Waldo- Watch it, bud. I hope to see you again soon.

Darla- That could be arranged. I'll be appearing in the talent show coming up.

Alfalfa- Yeah, the two of us...will both be singing a duet... together.

Waldo- How redundant.

Alfalfa- Thank you.

Waldo- Well, I shall be going now.

Darla- Whoa! What a hunk!

Girl 1- He's smoother than a baby's bottom.

Girl 2- And he smells better too!

Darla- Oh, you're so nice for bringing me here.

Kid- I can't see.

Kid- Move over.

Darla- A candlelit lunch! I'm dazzled.

Alfalfa- Excuse me. I seem to have a little... fahrvergnugen.

Darla- Uh... no problem.

Alfalfa- Grape soda?

Darla- Yes, please.Darla- To us. Mmm.

Alfalfa- Ugh! Ugh.

Darla- This tastes like somebody...poured it through a old boot.

Froggy- Actually, it's a sneaker.

Alfalfa- Must've been a bad year. Maybe we should strap on the old feed bag.

Darla- which sandwich did I bring?

Alfalfa- This one. Why don't we swap? What's yours is mine...and what's mine is ours.

Darla- You know just what to say to take a girl's breath away.

Porky- This'll take her breath away.

Stymie- Porky, you sure know how to make a "sand wich. "

Porky- That wasn't sand. That was kitty litter.

Buckwheat- Don't worry, it's pretty fresh.

Alfalfa- You made a delicious sandwich.

Darla- So did you. Very crunchy.

Alfalfa- Maybe we should move on to... dessert. It's a surprise.

Darla- It's beautiful!

Alfalfa- I had to eat six boxes of Cracker Jacks to find it. It's a symbol of my undying affliction for

you.

Darla- I love diamonds! I was wrong about you. You're not embarrassed by the woman you love.

Alfalfa- Darla...would you think me forward if I asked you for a...a big wet one?

Darla- what?

Alfalfa- A kiss?

Darla- Okay.

Stymie- Oh, man! Gross!

Kid- I can't take it anymore.

Kids- Get outta there! Open up!

Alfalfa- whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Darla- why, thank you, Alfalfa.

Alfalfa, open this door!

Kids- Open up!

Alfalfa- In my hurry to eat, I forgot to give you the tour. Here's the wall, here's the other wall

and...here's our closet.

Darla- Have you lost your mind?

Alfalfa- Do you wanna go in there?

Darla- Just as I thought. You are ashamed of me.

Alfalfa- I'm not ashamed of you. I'm proud of you.

Kids- Open up!

Alfalfa- I just don’t want anybody to see you.

Darla- Well, that does it, mister. I'm out of here!

Kids- ... two...three!

Spanky- It's about time.

Alfalfa- Hiya, guys! You're back early.

Kids- Yeah!

Alfalfa- Dentist pulled my wisdom teeth.

Spanky- So that explains why you're acting so stupid.

Stymie- Well, we're going inside.

Alfalfa- No, you're not! It's such a nice day outside, isn't it? Nothin's going on in there.

Stymie- Hey, what's that noise?

Darla- whoa!

Alfalfa- Darla!

Kids- Fire! Fire!

Stymie- You two, call the fire department.

Buckwheat- Yes, sir!

Kids- Ready! Fire!

Alfalfa- We're gonna need some more help. Get more people.

Kid- Put some more in the bucket.

Buckwheat- Quick! what's the number for 9-1-1?

Porky- How do I know?

Buckwheat- Let's go!

Telephone Operator- If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again.

Stymie- Here's the hose. Turn it on when I tell you.

Uh-huh- Uh-huh.

Stymie- Spanky, over here! Go! Go! Go! Go! Faster! Go even faster! Wow! That is fast.

Spanky- Hey, beat it, pal! Stymie, let 'er rip! whoa!

Stymie- wow!

Spanky- whoa! whoa!whoa!

Darla- I'm never gonna speak to you as long as I live. Tell him when he comes to, guys.

Good-bye! Excuse me!

Waldo- Hi, Darla. I thought that was you. How about a ride in my father's Bentley?

Spanky- Bye!

Waldo- And then, over a Belgian croissant...we might talk about performing in the talent show

together.

Darla- Sounds great! I had a hard day.

Spanky- The clubhouse is fried crispy.

Froggy- Our lives are over.

Spanky- And it's all your fault!

Kid- That's right.

Kid- It sure is.

Froggy- All rise for Judge Spanky.

Kid- I think Spanky's gonna find him guilty.

Spanky- How do you plead?

Alfalfa- Like this. Please, oh, please, have mercy, please!

Buckwheat- Hmm! Pretty good pleading.

Spanky- Hmmm. would you like to make a statement?

Alfalfa- Just that...I never knew likin' a girl could lead to all this.

Buckwheat- Mm-mm-mm.

Alfalfa- I let my pals down, I let the club down...and I let my best friend down.

Spanky- Alfalfa Switzer, I hereby sentence you...to execution... at dawn!

Buckwheat- Yes!

Uh-huh- Uh-huh!

Stymie- Your Honor, may I suggest...this court rules he be put on probation. As terms of the

probation, he alone will be responsible for guarding the go-cart. Day and night.

Alfalfa- Uh, uh...

Spanky- Court agrees.

Alfalfa- Ya mean ya want me to spend the night here? All alone? Out in the open? Well, what

about the wild dingoes?

Spanky- Deal with it.

Stymie- As another term of his probation...that he may never again talk to, see or even think

about Darla...or else.

Kids- Yeah!

Spanky- And I'm makin' it my own personal business to see that you don't.

Kids- Yeah! All right!

Alfalfa- Oh!

(dream)

Alfalfa- You are so beautiful to me.

Darla- I love you, Alfalfa.

Alfalfa- I want to die in your arms.

Darla- You do?

Alfalfa- Of course, not right away.

Kids- March! March!

Alfalfa- I'm off to join Sir Spankus.

Spanky- How's the toothache, bub?

Darla- But you're my boy-toy! I won't let you go! You must choose between us.

Alfalfa- Uh... uh...

Stymie- Yeah, you must choose between us.

Spanky- Sir Alfalfa, haul butt!

Darla- Maybe this will help you make up your mind. Tell me you'll never leave me.

Alfalfa- I'll never leave you.

Spanky- That's it, traitor! We must slay you, before your forbidden love destroys our manly

bond.

Kids- Choose or die! Choose or die! Choose or die! Choose or die! Choose or die! Choose or

die! Choose or die! Choose or die! Choose or die! Choose or die!

(end of dream)

Spanky- Ease up, pal. It's just us.

Buckwheat- We came to keep you company.

Kid- Yeah.

Alfalfa- Well, why am I soakin' wet?

Porky- Don't worry, Alfalfa. I used to have the same problem.

Spanky- There's just a hole in the tent.

Alfalfa- whoo!

Stymie- You're not thinking about Darla, are ya?

Alfalfa- No, of course not.

Spanky- Good!

Alfalfa- I wonder if she's not thinking of me too.

Darla- Why are boys such jerks?

Girl- You're not thinking about Alfalfa, are you?

Darla- Oh, no, no, no, no way!

Twins- Are you sure?

Stymie- Babes are like a bad song! Once you get 'em stuck in your head, you can't get 'em out

again.

Darla- Why do they have to be so...

Spanky- Different?

Alfalfa- Hmmm!

Darla- Girls get along with each other.

Spanky- Boys stand up for themselves.

Darla- Girls care.

Spanky- Boys take what's theirs.

Girl- Boys won't listen.

Froggy- All they wanna do is talk.

Twins- They like to moon ya.

Buckwheat- No, we don't! Gigglin' and gossipin'.

Girl- Fighting and farting!

Spanky- Barbies and bracelets.

Twins- Boogers and bugs!

Stymie- Ice skating.

Girl- Bungee jumping.

Froggy- Synchronized swimming

Spanky- And try to get 'em to sit still.

Girls- Boys! Ugh!

Boys- Girls! Ugh!

Darla- And the worst thing of all…

Boys- They smell...

Girls- weird!

Spanky- Howdy, mister. Me and my buddies have to build a new clubhouse.

Stymie- We need to buy some lumber.

Lumberyard worker- What kind?

Stymie- Wood! We took up a collection.

Spanky- Give us all the wood you can for this much, please.

Lumberyard worker- Paper or plastic?

Stymie- $450 for lumber?

Spanky- Where are we gonna get that kind of moola?

Stymie- I don't know. You know what they say, wood doesn't grow on trees. Hey, you guys,

come 'ere!

Kids- What's going on? What's up?

Spanky- All in favor say,"Yoy, yoy, yoy, yoy, yoy!"

Kids- Yoy, yoy, yoy, yoy...

Spanky- Thank you, my good man.

Loan Officer- Six kids, hardworking father, honest and trustworthy. Loan... denied.

Spanky- Hello, my good man.

Loan Officer- Gentlemen, uh, have a seat.

Spanky- Can we sit down?

Froggy- Are you kidding?

Spanky- We can't sit down, my good man.

Loan Officer- What may I do for you?

Stymie- We wanna take out a hefty loan.

Loan Officer- Of course. Do you have an account with us?

Stymie- And how!

Loan Officer- And what is your account...number?

Spanky- Uh, seven.

Loan Officer- Seven? Seven...?

Froggy- Try eight.

Spanky- Eight?

Loan officer- Heard enough.

Spanky- Ouch!

Loan Officer- If you were my kids, I'd punish you!

Stymie- If we were your kids, we'd punish ourselves!

Loan Officer- Leave the premises posthaste!

Spanky- You can't treat people this way, mister.

Loan Officer- You're not people. You're kids.

Spanky- Thank you.

Stymie- Good luck.

Alfalfa- She loves me. She loves me not. She loves me. She loves me not. She loves me! You

guys don't know what you're talkin' about. I have to see her!

Buckwheat- But that's a violation of your probation.

Alfalfa- I know! I'll write a message, and you two can take it to her.

Porky- Wait a second! we're He-Man woman-Haters. We can't deliver love notes.

Alfalfa- Love note? No! This is gonna be a hate note.

Porky and Buckwheat- good to me!

Alfalfa- Dear Darla, I hate your stinkin' guts! You make me vomit. You're scum between my...

toes. Love, Alfalfa.

Porky and Buckwheat- Otay!

Darla- What's up, guys?

Porky- Buckwheat, where's the note?

Buckwheat- Note, note. I know I got it here somewhere.

Darla- Come on, guys.

Porky- We'll find it.

Darla- I'm waiting.

Buckwheat- I know! I gave it to you.

Porky- Uh-oh!

Darla- What's going on?

Buckwheat- It's otay. I remember what it said. "Dear Darla: I hate your stinkin' guts. You make

me vomit.

Darla- Hmmph!

Buckwheat- "You are scum between my toes.

Darla- Oh!

Buckwheat- Love, Alfalfa. "

Buckwheat and Porky- whoa!

Alfalfa- Well, yeah...but was she upset?

Buckwheat and Porky- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm!

Alfalfa- Oh! I have to go to her house and explain what happened.

Buckwheat- Forget it, pal! Number one, she's not home 'cause she has a ballet recital. Number

two...what was number two? No! Not that! The other number two.

Porky- Spanky said you couldn't talk to her.

Alfalfa- What? I can talk to Darla anytime I want. Spanky's not the boss of me!

Spanky- Hiya, pal!

Alfalfa- Oh, no!

Spanky- Trust me, this is for your own good. After you dump her, you'll feel like a new man.

Alfalfa- But... I like the feel of the old man.

Dance teacher- Hello. Hello. Enjoy the show. Who are you with?

Spanky- I'm with him, and we need to talk to Darla.

Dance Teacher- That's out of the question. She's about to go onstage. Now clear the door. Go

on.

Alfalfa- Too bad. Well, let's go!

Spanky- Hold it, partner. we're waiting right here 'til Darla comes out.

Alfalfa- Oh, man!

Buckwheat- Whoops!

Butch- This'll be like stealing candy from a baby.

Porky- Oh, boy.

Butch- Come on.

Buckwheat- Hey, look! A dollar!

Porky- Ducky, ducky! Yoo-hoo, Mister Ducky, ducky! Ducky! Ducky! Ducky, ducky! Ducky! Come

here, ducky! Ducky!

Woim- Nothing beats a buck and a duck.

Buckwheat- Hey, ya dumb duck, wait up!

Butch- Hmm. What's this? Oh, no, not pickles! Oh, yuck!

Buckwheat- # we got a dollar, we got a dollar, we got a dollar. Hey, hey, hey, hey, we got a

dollar, we got a dollar, we got a dollar. Hey, hey, hey, hey #

Alfalfa- I'm bored.

Spanky- Ta-da!

Alfalfa- Gee, thanks!

Spanky- Uh-oh, Butch and Woim! Put that thing in your pocket and let's bail!

Butch- Hey, there they are.

Alfalfa- Whoops! Whoops! Let's go!

Butch- whoops! Whoops! Shh!

Spanky(dressed as girl)- Hiya, big boys!

Butch- woof, woof!

Woim- Ditto!

Butch- Say...you two chicklets see a couple of ugly mugs who ran in here?

Alfalfa(dressed as girl)- You mean, besides you?

Spanky(dressed as girl)- I think they went in there.

Butch- Thanks, doll face.

Alfalfa- Bye.

Woim- One, two, three!

Dance Teacher- What are you doing? You two do not belong here. I shall escort you to the door.

Butch- Stop this! Please, you're hurting me! Let go of me!

Spanky(dressed as girl)- This tutu's killin' me.

Alfalfa(dressed as girl)- You took the words right out of my mouth.

Darla- Hi.

Spanky(dressed as girl)- Hi!

Girl- Are you a fairy?

Alfalfa(dressed as girl)- No!

Spanky(dressed as girl)- Uh-uh!

Girl- You know, a sugarplum fairy.

Alfalfa(dressed as girl)- Oh, well, yes, of course.

Darla- What's the matter?

Spanky(dressed as girl)- Oh, she must have a frog in her throat.

Alfalfa(dressed as girl)- I'm so nervous. I'm sweating like a pig. It must be... the recital.

Darla- Come here. Here's my hanky.

Alfalfa(dressed as girl)- Gee, thanks!Darla- No, that's all right. You keep it. I'm nervous too. Waldo's gonna be here.

Girl- Waldo's Darla's boyfriend.

Darla- Do you have boyfriends?

Alfalfa and Spanky(dressed as girls)- No!

Spanky(dressed as girl)- No, of course not. Uh...

Alfalfa(dressed as girl)- But there is one boy I'd really love to get to know. His name is Alfalfa.

What a physique!

Spanky(dressed as girl)- Are you crazy?

Darla- I used to know Alfalfa. He took the best years of my life.

Spanky(dressed as girl)- Same here! That ugly scud led me on as if he cared...then dropped me

like a hot tamale. Plus, you know what?

Girls- No, what?

Spanky(dressed as girl)- I hear he dresses in girls clothes.

Darla- I don't miss him at all, except...his voice. When he sings, he makes me melt like a

popsicle on the Fourth of July.

Girl- He is awfully romantical.

Spanky(dressed as girl)- Well, it was lovely chatting, but we really gotta go.

Alfalfa(dressed as girl)- Bye!

Dance Teacher- All right, girls, it's time to take your positions! It's show time! Come on now,

honey.

Alfalfa(dressed as girl)- Spanky, what are we doing?

Dance Teacher- And now scenes from...The Nutcracker. - -And two and three.

Spanky(dressed as girl)- Get rid of it.

Alfalfa(dressed as girl)- Come here, hold my hand.

Spanky(dressed as girl)- Are you nuts?

Dance Teacher- Get off! Get! Ohh!

Alfalfa(dressed as girl)- Let's get outta here! Good thing I finally caught that frog.

Spanky(dressed as girl)- Yeah. Now all you gotta worry about is warts.

Alfalfa(dressed as girl)- whoo!

Dance Teacher- You ruined my recital! where's... Oh! Come on out of there, young lady.

Spanky(dressed as girl)- Aw, nah, nah! I wouldn't open that, if I was you.

Dance Teacher- Oh! Oh. Well, this is a professional school of ballet. Now get out and do not

come back.

Spanky(dressed as girl)- I'll distract 'em while you make a getaway.

Alfalfa- Thanks, Spanky. You sure are a pal.

Spanky(dressed as girl)- Think nothin' of it. Hello again, you stud muffins. Goin' my way?

Butch- Gee, we'd love to, but we're waitin' around… to beat the shorts off a couple of twerps.

Spanky(dressed as girl)- Your loss, baby. # Doo dee-doo dee-doo Doo dee-doo dee-doo #

Butch- Got a burger to go with that shake?

Spanky(dressed as girl)- # Doo dee-doo# Aaah!

Woim- That's him!

Butch- Come back here, you ugly little freak!

Man- And stay out!

Alfalfa- Things couldn't possibly get any worse. Oh! Then the clouds opened up and God said…

"I hate you, Alfalfa. "

Butch- Nice tan. Any last words?

Alfalfa- Yeah. Uh... see ya!

Worker- Hey! No, you don't!

Alfalfa- Ooh! Ow! I'll let myself out. Thank you.

Woman Worker- Well, you'd better.

Butch- He lucked out!

Darla- Alfalfa! This is a side of you I've never seen before.

Alfalfa- Darla! Darla, there's a perfectly logical explanation for this...which I'll make up later.

Buckwheat- Do you like pickles?

Porky- I think they stink.

Buckwheat- I love pickles.

Porky- My mother makes me eat 'em.

Buckwheat- I'm crazy about 'em.

Porky- I'll sell you my pickle for a nickel.

Buckwheat- How about two cents?

Porky- Otay. # I have two pickles I have two pickles I have two pickles today Hey-hey

A-doo-dah-ding way-da-mo-wang-bing Because I get two pickles today, today ##

Porky- Rough day?

Alfalfa- Don't ask.

Buckwheat- Are these kosher?

Kids- # we are He-Man woman Haters we feed girls to alligators The clubhouse burned down

mighty low But we got a plan to make some dough Left, right Left, right ##

Spanky- Looking good. This is gonna be a piece of cake.

Buckwheat- 'Panky, me and Porky got an idea.

Spanky- Keep it. You might need it when you grow up.

Porky- Otay.

Buckwheat- Hey, maybe this will work.

Porky- Let's go.

Spanky- Ladies and gentlemen! Boys and girls! Enter if you dare! See the weird freak of nature!

Even science can't explain it!

Stymie- It's a really good show!

Spanky- Step right up and witness this hideous mutant! Amazing! Incredible!

Stymie- Come on, everybody!

Spanky- Four-foot man-eating chicken! Hey, folks, we need to make some money!

Stymie- Gimme a quarter! Five dollars! Anything!

Spanky- We need to build a new clubhouse!

Stymie- Just hurry, hurry, hurry!

Spanky- People, people! We need your money! You there, kid! wanna come in? At least people

are ridin' the rides.

Stymie- Please go in.

Alfalfa- I will not think of Darla. I will not think of Darla! I will not think of Darla. Maybe Spanky's

right.

Petey- Huh?

Alfalfa- Maybe I should just forget about love. Dang, I'm outta paper. No, not that kind of paper!

Thanks, Petey. Skunked by that sleazy sidewinder Spanky! It's his fault Darla hates me! Hop in,

Petey! Sit!

Stymie- Come on, Spanky. So things didn't quite pan out.

Spanky- "Didn't quite pan out"? We have less money than when we came!

Stymie- I thought the talent show was supposed to be free. Look at all that money!

Spanky- What's goin' on?

Buckwheat- We just put up the sign and people started payin' us.

Stymie- Buckwheat, Porky, you're geniuses.

Buckwheat and Porky- Th-a-a-anks!

Spanky- Look, how 'bout if I take over and give you guys a break?

Buckwheat and Porky- Otay!

Spanky- Hmm. Money, money.

Miss Crabtree- Spanky McFarland!

Spanky- Miss Crabtree!

Miss Creabtree- I would expect this from a four-year-old, but not from you! Spanky, tricking

people out of their money is wrong. It's just like cheating on your homework.

Spanky- But I...

Miss Crabtree- What are we to do with all this money? We can't give it back to these people one

by one.

Spanky- Um, Miss Crabtree, I got a suggestion. What we could do is...

Miss Crabtree- Interesting. Intriguing. I love it.

Audience member- whoo! Nice suit, kid!

Waldo- # "L" is for the way you look At me. "O" is for the only one I see. "V" is very, very

Extraordinary. Now, "E" is even more Than anyone that you adore And love Is all that I can give

to you. Love is more than just a Game for two. Two in love can make it #

Darla- # Take my heart but please don't break it #

Waldo- # Love was made for me and you ##

Alfalfa- Dang. Miss Crabtree, do you got room for just one more act?

Miss Crabtree- We could squeeze you in.

Alfalfa- Thanks, Miss Crabtree!

Miss Crabtree- You're welcome.

Spanky- Well, fellas, the president saved your bacon. I convinced Miss Crabtree to use the

money as first prize in the go-cart derby.

Stymie- Just think, in three days, the money's ours.

Froggy- Everything else may have gone wrong...but there's no way we can lose the race.

Butch- Yeah! The Blur belongs to Butch.

Woim- And woim.

Waldo- Well, if it isn't Falafel.

Alfalfa- Alfalfa!

Waldo- Whatever. I hope you didn't miss my duet with Darla.

Alfalfa- You call that a duet?

Waldo- It was stupendous. She wasn't bad either.

Alfalfa- # Oh, my darlin', oh, my darlin' #

Waldo- What on Earth are you doing?

Alfalfa- I'm warmin' up my vocalizer. I'm about to win Darla back through song. # I'm the barber

Of Seville Figaro, Figaro, Figaro #

Waldo- Don't you get it? Darla can't stand you.

Miss Crabtree- Alfalfa, you're on.

Alfalfa- Darla will love me after I sing to her. Darla can't resist my voice. She said so herself.

Miss Crabtree- Come on, dear.

Alfalfa- This is a song about a tragic romance. I once fell in love with a girl...and through

schemes and betrayals by my best friend...she came to think I was nothin' more...than a

He-Man woman-Hater. But I'm a woman-lover!

Spanky- Uhh!

Alfalfa- So let me raise a toast to the girl I love most in the whole world.

Darla- Please don't say my name. Please don't say my name.

Alfalfa- Darla.

Darla- Ohh.

Alfalfa- # If I could make a wish I think I'd pass Can't think of anything I need No cigarettes, no

sleep #

Spanky- I'm gonna put that fool out of his misery!

Alfalfa- # No lights, no sound Nothing to eat, no books to read Sometimes All I need is the air

that I breathe And to love you # And... whoa! #All I need is the air that I breathe Yes, to love you

All I need is the air that I breathe And to love you ##

Darla- Oh, I hate you, Alfalfa.

Alfalfa- Dang!

Spanky- Hee-hee! Hey!

Froggy- Well, hello, Mr. Bubbles!

Spanky- That was the most disgusting display...of she-man woman-loving I've ever seen!

Alfalfa- Don't talk to me, you Benedict Arnold! You...You Judas Priest! This is all your fault!

Spanky- All my fault?

Froggy- You torched the clubhouse.

Spanky- And it's all my fault? Say, you're supposed to be guarding the go-cart, you

Muzak-warbling wimp!

Alfalfa- Relax, you double-crossing mud-muncher! I parked it right over there! It was right here!

Spanky- Well, where is it?

Stymie- Boy, you're messin' up left and right!

Spanky- That's it, you sissified tweety-bird! I wish I had a club to throw you out of!

Kid- Me too!

Alfalfa- Well, you sewage-swigging slimeball...if there still was a club, I'd quit!

Kid- Good!

Alfalfa- Hmph!

Kid- What a wimp.

Kid- Yeah.

Stymie- Go make up with him, Alfalfa. You guys have been friends since you were one.

Alfalfa- He started it!

Stymie- And you should finish it. You're a team, like Bert and Ernie, Superman and Clark Kent,

Milli and Vanilli. At least go talk to him. What could it cost?

Spanky- You mean, besides my dignity and pride?

Stymie- All I know is...you only make a once-in-a-lifetime buddy...once in a lifetime.

Alfalfa- Is Spanky home?

Spanky’s Dad- I'm sorry, Alfalfa. Spanky isn't here.

Alfalfa’s Dad- I'm sorry, Spanky. Alfalfa's not here.

Spanky- Darn!

Alfalfa- Darn!

Spanky- I thought I'd find you here.

Alfalfa- I'm sorry I called you a double-crossing mud-muncher… and a sewage-swigging

slimeball.

Spanky- I'm sorry I called you a sissified tweety-bird...and a Muzak-warbling wimp.

Alfalfa- I'm sorry I called you a barf-encrusted jumbo jerk.

Spanky- You didn't call me a barf-encrusted jumbo jerk.

Alfalfa- Oh. I guess I was just thinking it. I'm sorry about the fire.

Spanky- I'm sorry about messin' up...your picnic lunch with Darla.Maybe I'm sorta responsible

for the fire too, a little.

Alfalfa- You know, Spanky, I like girls. It might even get worse as I get older.

Spanky- I know you like girls, 'Falf. The problem is, rules is rules.

Alfalfa- But is woman-hating the important thing? I mean, couldn't we be a club 'cause we like

something?

Spanky- Hmm. Shoot! without a clubhouse, we don't have a club.

Stymie- Hey! You guys burned down a clubhouse, not a club!

Froggy- A club is buddies...who stick together, no matter what!

Uh-huh- Uh-huh!

Alfalfa- I just wish we could still enter the go-cart derby. But it's impossible.

Spanky- Who says it's impossible? Every one of us, working together...Pal, that's all the

possible we need!

Spanky- We need a hammer... and nails. A motor. We need a battery and a chassis...four axles

and a wheel belt. Somebody get a supercharger. Go get it, guys! - -

Buckwheat- Here, Petey.

Spanky- Screwdriver.

Kid- Screwdriver.

Spanky- Ratchet!

Kid- Ratchet.

Buckwheat- Hey, Uh-Huh, does it stink in there?

Uh-huh- Uh-huh!

Spanky- Monkey wrench! Ta-dum! Do us proud, buddy.

Alfalfa- You betcha!

Announcer- Hey, everybody! Don't forget! Following the go-cart derby, there will be a tiny tot

bunny race at 3:
30. Entrants must be five years and under. See you there!

A.J. Ferguson- Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls...Welcome to the 73rd annual go-cart

derby!

Announcer- Hey, guys, get in your cars! We're ready to start! You there, The kid in the blue.

Stop horsin' around. You're gonna break your neck.

Alfalfa- How we gonna beat that?

Spanky- It looks like The Blur with a new paint job!

Butch and Woim- Eccch!

Buckwheat- # We're goin' to the race. We're goin' to win first place And you have an ugly face #

Waldo- Hi, Dad, it's me. You're gonna be so proud of me. I'm gonna win this race.

Waldo’s Dad- Waldo, you're the best son money can buy.

Waldo- Thanks, Dad.

Porky- I don't have an ugly face. You have an ugly face!

Buckwheat- You have an ugly face!

Porky- You have an ugly face!

Buckwheat- Your mother has an ugly face!

A.J. Ferguson- The race course is marked with arrows... and it ends right back here where it

started from.

Miss Crabtree- Oh, great! This is the prize money for the winner.

Race official- Okay.

Miss Crabtree- It's just about $500. Just say it's from an anonymous donor.

Race Official- You got it.

Darla-Waldo, hurry up. We're late!

Waldo- Oh, please. We're making an entrance. Just sit back, relax and leave everything to moi.

Alfalfa- I wonder where A.J. Ferguson is.

Spanky- I don't know, but I can't wait to meet him.

Announcer- Okay, guys, this is it. Fasten your seat belts. Well, well. Mr. Johnston. Nice of you to

join us. The last car is finally is position.

Spanky- Well, if it isn't waldo. All the money in the world is no substitute for hard work and

ingenuity.

Waldo- You lead a rich fantasy life.

Spanky- Thank you.

Waldo- - Moron.

Spanky- What are you doin' with that?

Alfalfa- It's Darla's handkerchief. All great knights ride into battle...wearing the colors of their

lady fair.

Spanky- I'm not hearing this. I'm not hearing this.

Buckwheat- Hey, look! My mom's here!

Porky- whoopee.

A.J. Ferguson- The first racer to cross the finish line will receive... this genuine, gold-plated,

cubic zirconium-encrusted trophy! As well as the prize of five hundred dollars!

Audience- Go! Go!

A.J. Ferguson- Gentlemen, start your engines!

Announcer- All right, ready. Steady. One, two, three, go!

Spanky- whoo-hoo!

Alfalfa- Yeah! whoo!

Butch- Grrr! String 'em, woim!

Racers- Aaah! Aah! Oh, no! Aaaaaah!

Butch- All right!

Woim- Yeah!

Butch and Woim- whoo-ooh-hoo! Aaaaaah!

Spanky- You snotwads stole our racer!

Butch- Finders keepers,losers... suck!

Alfalfa- Ah, bite me!

Darla- Waldo, I think we have to turn here!

Waldo- Girls have no sense of direction.

Darla- You know, you're starting to get on my nerves.

Race Offical- Huh? Uh... Oh! Ohh!

Alfalfa- watch out!

Spanky- Get out of the way! Comin' through!

Shoppers- Aaah!

Spanky- Excuse us! Move!

Old man- You little rascals!

Spanky- Sorry! 10 points for the old guy!

Waldo- It's time to lose these losers. Atomic batteries to power. Turbines to speed!

Spanky- They're gettin' away!

Alfalfa- Hold on to your beanie!

Spanky and Alfalfa- whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Butch- Activate rocket boosters! You idiot! You put them in...

Butch and Woim- backwards! waaaah!

Spanky and Alfalfa- whoo-hoo! Yee-hah!

Waldo- These two again? I really hate to do this.

Spanky- Huh?

Alfalfa- Yikes! Spikes!

Darla- Hey! You could've killed them!

Waldo- Just forget about that soap-sucking nincompoop!

Darla- So you're responsible for the bubbles at the talent show! Pull over right now! I'm not

finishing this race with you!

Waldo- You got it, babe. Now get out.

Spanky- Where in tarnation are we?

Alfalfa- Look! we're back in the race!

Spanky- Hey, pretty good shortcut!

Woim- Hey, how'd they get here?

Butch- Don't worry. This'll fix 'em!

Butch and Woim- Yeah!

Spanky- what's that?

Spanky and Alfalfa- Aaah! Aah!

Spanky- we can't see! where are we? Aaaah! Help! What's goin' on?

Alfalfa- I can't see!

Spanky- My eyes! I can't see!

Woim- Hey, mind your own business, rich boy!

Alfalfa- What a guy!

Spanky- Thanks, pal!

Alfalfa- Aah! Aah! Aaah! Grab the wheel!

Spanky- Are you crazy? We got a finish line to cross!

Alfalfa- Not without this!

Spanky- You're nuts!

Alfalfa- whoa!

Spanky- watch out! You're gonna fall!

Alfalfa- Aaaah! I'm gonna fall off! Hold my feet! Aaaah! Aaaaaah!

Butch- Grrrr!

Spanky- Hold on! we're almost there!

Buckwheat’s Mom- Winner by a hair! Yes!

Stymie- You did it, Alfalfa! You won!

Alfalfa- We did it! All of us!

Froggy- Gentlemen, let's give Alfalfa a big..."Spoley-oley"!

Kids- Spoley-oley! Spoley-oley! Spoley-oley! Spoley-oley! Spoley-oley! Spoley-oley!

Spoley-oley! Spoley-oley!

Alfalfa- Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you...

Butch- It ain't right! We go through all the trouble of stealing your racer...and you still win! Better

brace yourself, because now I'm really gonna kick your butt!

Alfalfa- I'm usually a lover, not a fighter… but in your case I'm willin' to make an exception.

Butch- Pig puckey!

Woim- Allow me!

Stymie- Looking good, man.

Kids- Yeah!

Spanky- Hey, there's the guy who risked his neck for us!

Alfalfa- I gotta admit, he turned out to be pretty okay, darn it.

Spanky- Put it there, pal. You're quite a guy. Us machismo types have a club… The He-Man

woman-Haters Club. Alfalfa, I'm extending a membership offer here. Now, what is it?

Alfalfa- That's not waldo!

Waldo- You'll be hearing from my lawyers.

Spanky- Then who's this guy who saved our butts?

Darla- Hi, guys. what's up?

Spanky- A girl! Ohh!

Stymie- Well, don't that beat all.

Alfalfa- Spanky!

A.J. Ferguson- Now it gives me great pleasure to present this beautiful trophy...and the prize

money...to Alfalfa Switzer and Spanky McFarland. Is that a cowlick, or are you just glad to see

me? Ah, the strong, silent type, eh?

Alfalfa- Don't take this personal, lady, but my pal's real disappointed.

A.J. Ferguson- Ohh! what's the matter, sugar pie?

Alfalfa- Well, we were just kinda hopin' that...A.J. Ferguson was gonna give us the trophy.

A.J. Ferguson- Well, boys, today's your lucky day. 'Cause that's exactly who I am!

Spanky- You're the best driver there is!

A.J. Ferguson- Well, thank you very much! You didn't do so bad yourself!

Spanky- Say, let's even things up. How 'bout one on this side?

A.J. Ferguson- There ya go!

Kid- What a great race!

Darla- I saw what you did to save my hanky, Alfalfa. That was very heartwarming.

Girl- And awfully romantical.

Alfalfa- Gee, thanks, but I thought you hated me.

Darla- I don't hate you. It's just sometimes you do mean things… like playing tricks on me at our

picnic.

Spanky- Uh, I can explain that. It was me who wrecked your picnic with Alfalfa. You see, I

thought you was tryin' to steal my best friend. I thought you were tryin' to sabotage our club. But

I think I was wrong. I'm sorry, you guys.

Darla- My Alfalfinator!

Alfalfa- My delectable Darlooney!

Stymie- So, do you live around here?

Girl- Yeah.

Porky- Do you like dolls?

Girl- Mm-mmm. Mm-mmm.

Buckwheat- I do!

Girl- Cool.

Spanky- Say! Have we betrayed our forefathers? Have we trampled on the generations of

honest woman-haters...who came before us?

Uh-huh- Uh-uh.

Everybody- Huh?

Spanky- Hey, everybody! Uh-Huh's learned a new word!

Uh-huh- Actually, I've always had a rather extensive vocabulary...not to mention a phenomenal

grasp of grammar… and a superlative command of syntax. I simply chose not to employ them.

Everybody- Ohhh-tay!

Spanky- Well, I guess things just have to change sometimes.

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Paul Guay

Paul Francois Guay (born September 2, 1963 in Providence, Rhode Island) is a retired American professional ice hockey player. He is now an assistant coach for his high school's hockey team and is a firefighter for the City of Pawtucket working out of the "Friendly Fives." more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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