The Libertine

Allow me to be frank

at the commencement

You will not like me.

The gentlemen will be envious

and the ladies will be repelled.

You will not like me now and you will like me

a good deal less as we go on .

Ladies,

an announcement.

l am up for it.

All the time.

That is not a boast or an opinion .

lt is bone-hard medical fact.

l put it round, you know.

And you will watch me putting it round

and sigh for it.

Don 't.

lt is a deal of trouble for you

and you are better off watching and drawing

your conclusions from a distance

than you would be

if l got my tarse up your petticoats.

Gentlemen ,

do not despair.

l am up for that as well.

And the same warning applies.

Still your cheesy erections till l've had my say,

but later when you shag,

and later you will shag,

l shall expect it of you ,

and l will know if you have let me down .

l wish you to shag

with my homuncular image

rattling in your gonads.

Feel...

how it was for me, how it is for me.

And ponder.

Was that shudder

the same shudder he sensed?

Did he know something more profound?

Or is there some wall of wretchedness

that we all batter with our heads

at that shining live-long moment?

That is it.

That is my prologue.

Nothing in rhyme.

No protestations of modesty.

You were not expecting that, l hope.

l am John Wilmot.

Second Earl of Rochester.

And l do not want you to like me.

Wren 's upset. The clergy approved

the most conventional design for the cathedral.

Now he feels

there's no room for artistic manoeuvre.

Put a sub-clause in the warrant.

''Variations in the design

are to be ornamental rather than essential.''

Then he can do what he wants.

Next.

There are representations for you

to be more careful in public.

Perhaps a bodyguard.

- Whose idea is that?

- Your brother.

Ha!

No-one's going to kill me

if it means having him on the throne.

-Next.

- Danby says the army is costing too much.

lt's Danby's job to balance the books.

lf he thinks it's good economics to disband

the army and be invaded by the French,

he can look for another position .

Anything else?

You asked me to remind you

about the Earl of Rochester.

When did l banish him?

Three months ago.

- For how long?

- A year.

Bring him back. Now.

John .

Be attentive to your wife.

She's not accustomed to London .

Mother, l shall in all things

endeavour to serve her...

and you .

Serve God.

You must not fear London.

lt is not London l fear.

You abducted me in a coach like this

when l was still a virgin heiress.

And did you like abduction ?

Passionately.

Speak of it.

John ! This is not the place.

Speak to me of abduction .

I was 18.

And worth two and a half thousand a year.

You ambushed me,

bundled me from my coach,

and drove me away.

The King thrust you in the tower for it.

And l dug in my heels

and spurned and shunned the other men .

l would only embrace my dear abductor.

Dryden 's new play.

Here, Chas, grab a wodge.

Dryden couldn 't write a laundry list.

Rochester!

- Johnny!

- Johnny.

We were pining for you

Even now we're pining.

When l wake in the country,

l dream of being in London ,

and then when l get here,

it's full of people like you .

- Johnny.

- This reign 's a shambles, do you not think?

My father risked life and limb

hiding that thing Charles up an oak tree.

Has he forgiven you?

He's forgiven me. l shan 't forgive him.

Why did he banish you this time?

Well, it is a fine morning.

l'm walking through the galleries.

The King is walking through the galleries.

l'm splendidly alone.

The King is surrounded

by a slow-moving troop...

..of Mediterraneans.

- The wife's family.

- And he must make show of me.

Behold, the Earl of Rochester, the wit.

The poet. Pray, let us have some of your muse.

What am l to do?

Then l recall in my pocket l have

a sketch of something rustic with nymphs.

l pull it out and deliver.

''ln the isle of Britain , long since famous grown

For breeding the best c*nts in Christendom...''

Rat me, thinks l, this is not

the piece of paper l had supposed.

The King's eyes are more piercing

than l can remember.

The jaws of his entourage

are decidedly earthbound.

This piece of paper is not covered

merely with the thump and slop of congress.

This poem is an attack on the monarchy itself.

Culminating in depiction of the royal mistress

striving to flog the flaccid royal member

into a state of excitement.

''This you'd believe had l but time to tell you ,

The pains it cost to poor laborious Nelly.

Whilst she employs hands,

fingers, mouth and thighs,

Ere she can raise the member she enjoys.

All monarchs l hate, and the thrones they sit on ,

From the hector of France to the cully of Britain .''

lt's damn good, though, Johnny.

Course it's good. That's not the point.

The point is he couldn 't appreciate it.

lt took me nearly an hour to write it,

just to please him.

Three months in the f***ing country at the

height of the season . Missed all the good plays.

Boring old Rowley. We love you, Johnny.

Give us a stanza

and we'll laugh in the King's place.

To Etherege, l drink a pledge.

His life has run the gamut.

He's penned naught good

since She Would lf She Could.

He would if he could but he cannot

Well, Johnny, it is a damn well said thing,

but it ain't true, do you see?

Oh, but it is true, Georgie.

You think you can still enjoy the town's esteem

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