The Last Word

1

Louis, no, no, no, no.

You do not trim these hedges

from top to bottom,

but from bottom to top,

as we've discussed.

I understand, Ms. Lauler...

And I do not want bushy hedges.

You do not want bushy hedges.

We talked about this.

We have. Yes.

Many times.

All right, I'll trim

the bushes myself.

Give it to me.

Yes.

Thank you.

And you can cut the grass.

You cut the grass yesterday.

In a diamond pattern.

Yes.

Then I guess you can go.

Thank you.

Oh! These are not sharp.

Look, Louis, you have

to have these sharp.

I'll look in the truck. Please.

Mmm-hmm.

Oh.

This is much more to my liking.

Looks good.

Thank you for your approval.

Yeah. Yeah, we keep

them on the floor,

so that's perfect.

Thanks, dean

Hello, Ms. Lauler,

I'm Dr. Morgan.

It says here

this was an accident.

Well, do you think I'm lying

or just simply can't read?

Ms. Lauler, I'm just

doing my job.

These gowns?

You call these gowns?

If I was wheeled out

in a wheelchair,

would you call that my chariot?

Ma'am...

Don't call me "ma'am."

You never call

a woman "ma'am."

That makes her feel old.

I'm sorry.

You're sorry?

Oh, you're so sorry.

You washed down four clonazepam

with a bottle of red wine.

Yes. I was sleepy

and I was thirsty.

You don't strike me

as the type of person

who does anything

by accident, okay?

That's what it seems like to me.

What I'm experiencing here.

So, I'm going to

do some tests. Okay?

And if you have a problem

with that, I don't care.

Hi, this Anne Sherman.

Do you know who I am?

Yes.

Uh, no.

Your predecessor did.

Your predecessor

knew me very well.

My father?

Lam Harriet Lauler.

And for the better part

of the last 25 years

this newspaper

stayed in the black

because of the media buys

that I purchased every month.

Lauler Advertising.

Of course. Uh, what can I

do for you, Ms. Lauler?

I request a formal introduction.

Okay.

My name is Ronald Odom.

I'm the editor-in-chief.

I attended

the school of journalism

at Ohio University.

Mr. Odom.

I married Katie Sparrow.

She kept her name.

Mr. Odom. I do not require

the formal introduction to you.

Hey. Hey.

Wha...

Come with me.

Why?

'Cause I'm your boss.

Are you firing me?

You should be so lucky.

Come on, come on, come On.

Ms. Lauler,

this is Anne Sherman.

Ms. Sherman.

Let us have the room, please.

Please sit down.

Oh, I'm cool.

Well, be that as it may,

I wish you would sit down

because I have a job offer

to discuss with you.

I have a job.

Hmm.

Sit down, Ms. Sherman.

Lois Schenken was a b*tch.

"Lois Schenken,

"a tireless

animal rights advocate,

"passed away last night

at the age of 78."

Right, Lois Schenken.

I wrote that.

Yes.

Do you know why Lois Schenken

loved animals so much?

Because people hated her.

They hated her parties,

they hated her gossiping,

and they hated

her costume jewelry.

Only homeless dogs could bear

to be around Lois Schenken

for longer than seven minutes.

Well, the people that I spoke to

had nothing but kind things

to say about her.

She was dead and

they were being polite.

"Eugene Baker, with a song

not just in his heart,

"but always on his lips.

"Eugene Baker sang his way

"into the lives

of all who met him."

Do you know why he sang so much?

He was a drunk.

Okay, well, that's not something

that I was going to write

in his obituary.

"After a long illness,

"Mary Ramos passed

away this morning.

"She left an indelible

mark on all..."

Yeah, right.

She had syphilis, I know.

That's not something that

you want to memorialize.

I knew these people.

I'm... I'm sorry

for your losses.

No, these were awful people.

Well, I'm...

I'm not sorry then.

But you made them sound as

though they were magnificent.

You made their lives

sound full of achievement.

That's what you'll

be doing for me.

You want me

to write your obituary?

That's what I want.

Okay. Well, lam

the obituary writer,

so when the time comes,

I will be writing your obituary.

I want you to write it now.

Huh.

Is Ron coming back?

That's the wrong question.

The right question is, "Why?"

Why?

Good question.

Thanks.

Ms. Sherman,

I'm a reasonable woman.

I have never been

surprised about anything.

And I've never found myself

in a situation

that I couldn't handle.

So, as a reasonable woman,

the thought of leaving

my obituary to chance

is completely

unreasonable to me.

But that is what everybody does.

That is what people have been

doing for hundreds of years.

If I had motivated myself

by what other people

thought and did,

I would not have achieved

what I've achieved.

And I've achieved a great deal.

How my achievements

are memorialized by you

is of great interest to me.

Okay.

Here's the names

of a few hundred people.

I've taken the trouble

to alphabetize them.

Also, restaurants are listed

that they might like to go to

while they discuss me with you.

What...

What about family?

I have a daughter, and I haven't

spoken to her in many years.

Okay.

There's an ex-husband.

He's a jackass.

Right, all right. What's... What's

the timeline that we're looking at?

Monday.

No.

Yes.

I want it by Monday.

I have plans.

You're excused. Go.

That's what I want.

Hey. She puts the

"b*tch" in obituary.

I understand.

I don't think you do, Ron.

You got to do it.

What? Why?

Because at one time,

this woman was a real

friend of the paper.

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