The Last of the Blonde Bombshells

I hate those stories

that begin with a funeral.

I'm afraid this one started

the day we buried George.

Not that we buried him.

In the interests of the environment,

we had him incinerated.

My children conducted the service.

They believe in the environment.

They don't believe in priests or vicars.

Our father died playing golf.

On the long 15th,

but right in the middle of the fairway.

We thank him for being a terrific father...

...and grandfather.

It was his wish that we invite you all...

...to raise a glass to his memory

in the clubhouse after the ceremony.

It was also his wish

that he should leave us accompanied...

...by some of the music he loved best.

"For I am the pirate king

"And it is, it is

A glorious thing to be a pirate king

"For I am the pirate king

"And it is, it is

A glorious thing to be a pirate king"

- Are you all right?

- As well as can be expected.

If you want to cry, go ahead.

I just hate this f***ing tune.

"I'll be glad when you're gone

You rascal, you

"I'll be glad when you're gone

You rascal, you

"When you're dead in your grave

"No more women will you crave

"I'll be glad when you're gone

"Glad when you're gone

"Glad when you're gone

You rascal, you"

Can't hang about.

Apparently, they have one of these

every 20 minutes at this time of year.

- Well, who's going to tell her?

- I'll go.

What was that about the music?

Well, when I was 15,

we lived near a dance hall...

...and there was a band.

And some girls used to sing a song called...

I'll Be Glad When You're Dead

You Rascal, You.

Never heard of it.

When they started to play that

rubbish in the crematorium...

...I shut my ears and that's what I heard.

I'll Be Glad When You're Dead

You Rascal, You.

I got a fit of the giggles,

and I'm very ashamed.

Was grandpa a rascal?

No.

He was anything but.

- You may disagree, but...

- No, I know what you mean.

But he was kind, wasn't he?

I mean, he would always pat me

on the head and give me a pound.

You and me both, sweetheart.

You all right now?

Can you cope with the wake?

Of course I can, dear.

Lead me to the golfers.

This is the BBC General Forces Program.

London suffered the heaviest bombardment

since the 1940-'41 Blitz last night...

...in German air raids over the capital.

About 175 enemy planes made

scattered and indiscriminate attacks...

...on London, the counties,

southeast England and East Anglia.

The Last of the

BLONDE BOMBSHELLS

- There you are, keep the change.

- Have a good day.

So, have you made any plans, Mum?

I think I'll go for the creme brulee.

Oh, no.

I didn't mean about the pudding.

I meant...

Oh, life after death.

Well, yes, I suppose so.

Life goes on much as it did

when your father was alive.

I still go to the library twice a week.

I still watch the quiz programs

on television.

Sometimes I get the answers right.

I go out every Thursday with my children

to some trendy restaurant.

And I weep when necessary.

And I look after Joanna when

her parents want to expand their horizons.

That's enough life

for a woman half my age.

Can you have her on Friday?

We've got tickets to The Magic Flute.

Fine, I'll cancel my darts night.

You don't play darts.

Isn't that lovely?

What?

If your pulse doesn't quicken when you

hear Hoagy Carmichael's Stardust...

...then I've clearly failed as a mother.

Thank you for lunch, my children.

I'll see you next Thursday.

Do you think she's turning into

a dotty old woman?

She's always done it.

You talk to her, she makes the right

noises but she's not listening.

She's listening to what's inside her head.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes