The Jeff Dunham Show  Season #1 Episode #1

Synopsis:
Genre: Comedy
Year:
2009
26 Views

Opening

Achmed:
Greetings, infidels. Please welcome Jeff Dunham!

Jeff:
Thank you so much. Thank you very much. Yes, thank you very much. And, unless I'm allucinating, welcome to the Jeff Dunham Show. Now, a lot of folks

have been wondering what the show is gonna be. Well, for those here who know what i do for a living, you've seen me and the guys on TV, you've seen us on the Comedy Central Specials, maybe on the DVDs. But you've only heard us talk about what we do off the stage. You've never really seen it, So what we decided to do for a TV show is we took the little guys out in the real world

real life, real situations, with real people, and we saw what would happen. And that's what you're gonna watch tonight. So the first guy that's gonna help me this evening is been a friend for many many years, let's hope he's in a good mood tonight. Please let me welcome my old friend Walter.

Walter:
Oh, Lord. Would you please shut the hell up?

Jeff:
What's wrong with you?

Walter:
Nothing. Are you serious? You have your

own television show?

Jeff:
Yeah, you know why?

Walter:
Yeah, youtube couldn't take it anymore.

Jeff:
That wasn't very nice.

Walter:
Seriously, they'll give anyone a show, nowadays.

Jeff:
What makes you say that??

Walter:
Read my lips: "The Jeff Dunham Show". Holy crap, what has happened to this world? You're on TV, there's a black guy in the white house... I QUIT.

Jeff:
C'mon, Walter...

Walter:
I have lived too freakin' long now.

Jeff:
Do you always have to be so negative?

Walter:
Yeah.

Jeff:
You know, you realize we're doing it again.

Walter:
What?

Jeff:
We're arguing.

Walter:
No, we're not.

Jeff:
Yeah.

Walter:
No.

Jeff:
Yeah...

Walter:
No.

Jeff:
Yes, we are.

Walter:
Whatever.

Jeff:
And remember where we learned not to do that?

Walter:
At the therapist.

Dr Young:
So, what brings you here today?

Walter:
I'm here 'cause grampa touched my hoo hoo dilly. Can we go now?

Jeff:
Walter and I never agree on anything, and Comedy Central is afraid that it's affecting the show. So they asked us to come see specifically you.

Dr Young:
Walter, I'm gonna start with you since you seem to be having a little more difficulty here.

Walter:
Well, thank you.

Dr Young:
What are two things you like about Jeff?

Walter:
I got nothing.

Dr Young:
Ok. What are two things you dislike about Jeff?

Walter:
Oh, he's a *****.

Dr Young:
Ok. He's a *****, and what else?

Walter:
You said.. I can't believe the therapist actually said *****.

Dr Young:
That's interesting because it sounded really awful when I said it, I'm wondering if you're aware how

kinda disruptive and disrespectful it sounded when you said it.

Walter:
Nope.

Dr Young:
Walter, do you and your wife talk a lot?

Walter:
I never talk to my wife like this. What are you nuts?

Dr Young:
Maybe she doesn't share with you for the same reason Jeff here...

Walter:
What about your wife?? You talk to her like that?

Dr Young:
I share very personal things with my partner, yes.

Walter:
Oh.. you mean "wife".

Dr Young:
Are you trying to ask me if I'm married?

Walter:
Yeah, I assumed you're married. You're married, right?

Dr Young:
I am married

Walter:
Oh good!

Dr Young:
I'm married to a man.

Walter:
What?

Dr Young:
I'm married to a man.

Walter:
You're.. married... to a man.

Jeff:
Man

Walter:
Man?

Jeff:
Man!

Walter:
Man. Did you know?

Jeff:
No.

Walter:
No, we didn't know. Are you a counselor to gay couples?

Dr Young:
I do counsel gay couples.

Walter:
Do.. you think that.. we're gay?

Dr Young:
Well, Walter, if you were, i think you should be very proud that you were able to get yourself a younger handsome man.

Walter:
Holy crap!

Jeff:
Walter, why did you just get up and leave? I told you we shouldn't have come to Hollywood. This is what they do here. Everyone thinks we're gay.

Jeff:
No one thinks we're gay.

Walter:
Then why did they send us to a gay therapist?

Jeff:
It was just a coincidence. Besides, I would never

wanna be gay with you.

Walter:
Hey, you got that right. I'd never wanna read the Kamasutra while sitting on your lap.

Jeff:
Right.

Walter:
I'd never wanna slowdance with you to Lionel Ritchie's "Hello".

Jeff:
And I would never wanna go to a place called "The Manhole" with you.

Walter:
I'd never wanna taste you in the morning.

Jeff:
Walter, do you see what we're doing here?

Walter:
What?

Jeff:
We're agreeing.

Walter:
We are?

Jeff:
Yeah. We're ageeing that we'd never wanna be gay with each other.

Walter:
Oh, my God, you're right! UUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!

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Jeff Dunham

Jeffrey "Jeff" Dunham (born April 18, 1962) is an American ventriloquist and comedian who has also appeared on numerous television shows, including Late Show with David Letterman, Comedy Central Presents, The Tonight Show and Sonny With a Chance. He has six specials that run on Comedy Central: Jeff Dunham: Arguing with Myself, Jeff Dunham: Spark of Insanity, Jeff Dunham's Very Special Christmas Special, Jeff Dunham: Controlled Chaos, Jeff Dunham: Minding the Monsters, and Jeff Dunham: All Over the Map. Dunham also starred in The Jeff Dunham Show, a series on the network in 2009.His style has been described as "a dressed-down, more digestible version of Don Rickles with multiple personality disorder". Describing his characters, Time magazine said, "All of them are politically incorrect, gratuitously insulting and ill tempered." Dunham has been credited with reviving ventriloquism, and doing more to promote the art form than anyone since Edgar Bergen.Dunham has been called "America's favorite comedian" by Slate.com, and according to the concert industry publication Pollstar, he is the top-grossing standup act in North America, and is among the most successful acts in Europe as well. As of November 2009, he has sold over four million DVDs, an additional $7 million in merchandise sales, and received more than 350 million hits on YouTube as of October 2009 (his introduction of Achmed the Dead Terrorist in Spark of Insanity was ranked as the ninth most watched YouTube video at the time). A Very Special Christmas Special was the most-watched telecast in Comedy Central history, with its DVD selling over 400,000 in its first two weeks. Forbes.com ranked Dunham as the third highest-paid comedian in the United States behind Jerry Seinfeld and Chris Rock, and reported that he was one of the highest-earning comics from June 2008 to June 2009, earning approximately $30 million during that period. Dunham also does occasional acting roles. He achieved the Guinness Book of World Records record for "Most tickets sold for a stand-up comedy tour" for his Spark of Insanity tour, performing in 386 venues worldwide. more…

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"The Jeff Dunham Show" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2020. Web. 18 Jan. 2020. <https://www.scripts.com/script/the_jeff_dunham_show_24150>.

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