The Hungover Games
(PHONE RINGING)
(CLEARS THROAT)
MAN:
Hello?Tracey, its Bradley.
Bradley,
where the hell are you guys?
I am freaking out!
BRADLEY:
Listen.We f***ed up.
What are you talking about?
Me and Doug are
about to get married
and I havent heard
from him in two days.
Things got
a little out of control
last night and we...
We lost Doug.
The wedding is in a few hours!
In Santa Barbara?
Yeah!
Thats not gonna happen.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
Look, I know everyones
a little miffed
we couldnt do
Vegas this year,
but lm telling you,
the next best thing.
I dont care
where we have my
bachelor party, guys.
All that matters
is that were
celebrating together.
And that we dont have AIDS.
Anyway, I bet
once you get inside,
its not so bad.
(BEEPS)
All right!
Hey, its cute.
I am honestly impressed
by how shitty this is.
You dont even
need a blacklight
to see all the stains.
Maybe thats yogurt.
Nah, it says right
here in the pamphlet,
it is semen.
Look, semen
or no semen,
the important thing
is that Doug
found his soulmate.
DOUG:
Thanks, man.Tracey just completes in me,
you know?
Did you say,
Completes in you?
(GROANS)
You know,
that reminds
of the love shared
between Peeta
and Katniss in The...
lm gonna need you
to stop talking
about that book.
No, I will not stop
talking about a novel
that
blogcritics. Orglreviews said
was a page-turner.
Have you even read it?
Ld love to, man.
Its just hard
to find time
to enrol in 7th grade
and cut off my nuts.
Well then, maybe lll
find it hard to find time
to share my goodies.
Oh, nice.
What do you got in there?
Lve got all kinds
of fun stuff.
I have
Chernobyl potato vodka,
standard-issue roofies,
lve got Chinese
black tar heroin,
lve got drug mule
rectum-release opium,
and some plug-in
air fresheners.
How did that get in here?
All right.
You got any bath salts?
Tons.
Help yourself.
Lve also got skunk,
scoot, snap, flippers,
flappers, floppers,
uppers, downers,
and cyanide chewables.
Cyanide?
Poison is the best.
Hey! Those are my
fun-time candies!
No. Uh-uh.
Every time we go out,
we end up blacked out
and looking for somebody.
Vegas. Thailand.
Whatever, we got him back
in time for the service.
Yeah, and then he puked
all over the Torah.
(CHUCKLES)
Classic.
No, not classic.
That is a holy document.
(GROANS)
All right,
lets just get Zach dressed
and head to the roof.
Dressed?
Small request, you guys.
Could somebody
scratch my nuts?
I respectfully decline.
Non-alcoholic beer?
I told you.
No risks tonight.
P*ssy!
Excuse me,
I was calling you a p*ssy.
All right.
Lets put our shitty
rehab beers up
and toast Doug and Tracey.
soulmate would have
but, hey,
lifes a journey, I guess.
Were happy for you, man.
Thanks, guys.
To Doug and Tracey.
BOTH:
To Doug and Tracey.And
to a night
well never forget.
Those look really good.
Could you just
pour it in my cone?
(GROANS)
What the f***?
Oh, God.
(GROANING)
What?
Scuba guy on the ceiling.
That makes sense.
Watch out!
Jesus!
You stepped on my balls, dude.
Sorry.
Where the hell are we?
F*** if I know.
All I know is
I am hungover as
sh*t right now.
Please tell me I ate cheese.
I dont know.
My ass kind of hurts.
Oh, no!
Did I do cocaine?
Lm deathly
allergic to cocaine.
And lm allergic to gluten.
ED:
I hopethats gluten-free.
Oh, no.
Did we kill Waldo
last night?
Um...
Maybe he was f***ed to death.
(GAGGING)
(IN SING-SONG VOICE)
Morning, fellas!
Oh, god damn it,
who let Zach out
of the straitjacket?
Is that a man-thong?
No, its a regular thong.
I wear them all the time.
Thats disgusting.
(GAGGING)
Okay, we need to find Doug
and get the hell out of here.
Somebody call him.
Wheres my phone?
Oh, holy sh*t.
Is this a rocket launcher?
BRADLEY:
Zach?Dude!
Come on,
we have to find Doug.
But that was...
Oh, my. Gentlemen,
this is quite a mess.
Okay, this is awkward,
but lm just gonna
go ahead and ask,
maid or hooker?
Manners!
That is no way to speak
to your escort.
I always ask.
Its been real nice
talking to you,
but were just gonna go.
I wouldnt do that.
Okay.
(SCREAMING)
Were on a f***ing train?
I knew it!
That means
youre Effie Trinket!
No, my name is Effing.
And the three of you
are on your way to the Games.
We discussed this
all after your
courageous gesture.
EFFING:
Why dont youlook at your phone?
(CHATTER ON VIDEO)
F***ing Reaping,
b*tches!
ED:
Oh, thats my phone.Let me see it.
Dougs trying
to kiss me again!
Doug, how you doing, buddy?
F***ing Reaping,
b*tches!
(ALL WHOOPING)
The first name
ofthe girl...
Why is Lady Gaga
on the screen?
Change the channel!
... young Boo!
(BOOING)
And now for the boys.
I volunteer!
We volunteer for
the Hungover Games!
EFFING:
What a wonderful development!
to add to the race.
May the chances be
ever in your corner.
Attica! Attica!
Okay, okay.
Hey!
Oh!
(LAUGHING)
Okay.
Will you keep it down?
I can hardly
hear myself drink.
Haymitch!
Thats not my name,
you scruffy half-tard.
Its Justmitch.
Look,
lm enjoying all of this.
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"The Hungover Games" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 25 Apr. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/the_hungover_games_20488>.
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