The Hottie & the Nottie

You know the girl.

Your first real vision of beauty.

The one that all other girls

have to measure up to.

Class, we have a new student today.

Her name is Cristabel.

Everyone say hi to Cristabel.

Hi, Cristabel.

The heavens opened.

And that was it.

The moment l first fell in love.

You know the girl.

The one you run to so you can

breathlessly declare

your undying love.

But things don't always work out

the way you think they will...

...when you're six years old.

She cries at commercials by AT&T.

She sobs at the videos on MTV.

But she says it's got nothing

to do with me...

She's just an emotional girl.

She rips off my suits and

cuts off the sleeves.

And shaves my head while

l'm fast asleep.

Sometimes l feel

she's the princess

and l'm just the pea...

And she's just an emotional girl.

Just an emotional...

You want the guitar?

ls...is everything okay...honey?

You just don't get it, do you.

l don't know.

Your songs, which suck,

by the way...

Are always about things l did.

They're not about you being

in love with me.

They're always about lalalalala

Jane shaved my head.

But you did.

And it's fine.

We can laugh about it now,

sweetie.

Why do you think

l spray painted your car?

And l know this one.

Because you were mad?

l'm leaving....

And l'm taking my drawer.

F*** this.

For all l've put up with,

l seem to deserve better

than this.

Jane...okay, okay, um...

-Listen, listen, listen...

-What?

Are you going to keep

the actual drawer?

-You're an a**hole!

-No. Okay, okay, okay.

You can keep it.

l just don't know what to do

with the rest of it

Come on.

Okay...Jane, you see?

l came all the way

down the stairs.

Stop. Please, please,

please stop. Wait.

Let's talk.

This is not talking.

You don't know what it's

like to be in love with someone

for years and

have absolutely no idea

if they're ever

going to love you back.

You're a loser, Nate Cooper.

And that's when it hit me.

Yes, she may have overreacted...

But Jane was right.

No other girl would ever

make me happy.

Cristabel Abbott was the one.

But how could l have known the

hurdles l would have to overcome.

l have a valentine for you

in my backpack.

We just haven't had a chance to

give ours out yet.

l knew l had to find her.

And l knew just who to go to.

My best friend from first grade.

Who shared in the glories

that were Cristabel

and the art of nose picking.

Arno Blount.

Are you tired of doing

hundreds of ab exercises...

and not getting the flat

stomach you want?

Well, it's time to stop, America...

Because you've been

going the wrong way.

That's right, America.

You've been going the wrong way.

Now there's my Ab Away Pro System.

Designed with reverse ab action.

The fastest, easiest way

to have firm, flat abs.

lt's all the same.

My Arno just loves holiday candies.

So we stock them up year round.

They make me feel happy.

Can l get you a Courvasier

or cocoa?

No thank you, Ms. Blount.

l'm fine.

So you got a degree

in art history, huh?

Uh...yeah.

That means unemployed, right?

-Pretty much, yeah.

-Cool.

Means a lot more time to hang, huh?

-Okay.

-So, you want to know

what happened to Cristabel Abbott.

Well, yeah.

Well, l'm curious to know

how everyone's doing

after all these years.

Everyone...Right.

Well, my friend, you came

to the right place.

Wow, that's Cristabel?

-Yep.

-You know,

"cause usually 13's a bad age.

From the first grade on,

she just got hotter every year.

That's weird.

Dear lord...Oh God.

-ls that...uh...

-June Phigg.

The nottie.

Ooh...nottie?

lt's a very well known

law of physics.

The hotness of one girl is

directly proportional

to the ugliness of

her best friend.

Wow. June Phigg.

lt's sort of sweet they've

stayed friends all these years.

Sweet?

She's like some hideous dragon

guarding the princess from escape.

What?

ln order to

gain access to the hottie

The nottie must be appeased.

You're saying

that June is the reason

why Cristabel's still single?

Of course she is!

That, my friend,

is the whole purpose of the nottie.

Cristabel Abbott is the hottest

woman in Los Angeles.

But no man will ever win her heart

without getting past

that monstrosity.

And she will destroy you.

No. No. This is fate.

Fate is the reason

she is still single.

Look. l came 3000 miles

to get this girl

And it's going to take a lot more

than a June Phigg to stop me.

l like your moxie.

Yeah? Good.

You're gonna

need to see the file.

Ma!

Bring out the file!

Coming, precious.

She loves it.

The hottie and her every move.

This whole thing is about

Cristabel Abbott?

You should see the website.

Now, according to my records

She has a two mile jog every

morning past the Santa Monica pier.

She stops

at Danny's Beachside Cafe

for a light breakfast of ice

buttered mocha and fruit salad.

She'll pass the north end of the

pier between 6:
15 and 6:18 a.m.

Benches that face the ocean are

the best ones to view her from.

"Cause if you face the other way,

the sun gets in your eyes

..and you lose the whole thing.

Hey guys.

Here she comes.

Konichiwa. Good morning.

Hi guys.

l love you.

Good morning.

Oh my god, l'm so sorry.

Were you sniffing me?

Sorry.

Hey, aren't you Cristabel Abbott?

-Yeah.

-l think we went to school together.

Back in the first grade.

Were you that guy who used to

put Vienna sausage in his pants?

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