The Haunted World of El Superbeasto

---

How do you do?

Mr. Rob Zombie feels it would

be a little unkind

to present this picture without

just a word of friendly warning.

We are about to unfold

the story of El Superbeasto,

a man of action.

It is one of the strangest

tales ever told.

I think it will thrill you.

It may shock you.

It might even horrify you.

So if any of you feel that you

do not care to subject your nerves

to such a strain,

now's your chance to, uh--

Well, we warned you.

All right now, b*tches, listen up.

The director's on the set.

The director is on the set!

Howdy-doodly-doo, ladies?

Gather round, gather round.

Big Time Movie Casting

is now in session.

I've got a very special porno--

I mean art film-- to shoot today.

So, time to get a-crack-a-lackin'.

You heard him.

Get your asses a-crack-a-lackin'!

Now just to let you know, I'm not

one of those shallow Hollywood types

that casts based on looks.

I'm all about pure talent.

I want the audience to believe

in the characters,

to experience the emotions,

breathe in the spicy meatball man,

as they breathe life itself.

All right, Granny,

tell me a little about

why I should ignore the fact

that you're, like,

a thousand years old.

In 1910, I attended the

Royal Academy of Dramatic Arts

- on full scholarship, winning the...

- Next.

...stunning portrayal of Blanche Dubois.

Oh my God!

I know I'm, like,

totally like a star.

I know it!

Perfect perfect!

You're hired. Next.

I dig into the inner texture

of the soul of the character

and reflect society's issues with women

- and their hatred of the vagina.

- Next!

- Let me tell you--

- No.

- I'd really like to--

- Next!

- People make me nauseous.

- No way!

- Hello!

- Nope.

- Who do I have to f***--

- No.

- Oh, Edgar, why did you--

- Ugh!

- I'm ready for my-- whoa!

- Next!

Well, hello, honeypants.

I think a good tan is as important

as a good script, you know?

Also, I can't really read so good,

but I can do 300 crunches

without stopping.

Words are so overrated.

But on the other hand, tight abs--

so underrated.

Oh, oh my God.

Quiet on the set!

Sound speeds.

"Big Spicy Meatball Macho Man,"

take one.

And action!

Uh, line.

"Mama mia, how about

some a-delicious sauce-- "

Yeah yeah, I got it.

Okay, and we're still rolling, mate.

Mama mia, how about

some delicious sauce

for the spicy a-jumbo meatballs?

Ow! What are you,

like totally weird?

That's, like, so hot!

If it's not a-hot, how am I

gonna melt-a the cheese?

Luigi, she wonder why

it is too hot.

The cheese a-not gonna melt!

Aw, shut up a you face.

God!

That's what I call a spicy meatball!

- Oh, Luigi!

- Oh!

- Mama mia!

- You like-a Luigi?

Yes, a-you do!

Mama mia!

Ahhhh!

How do you like-a

my canole now, eh?

I'm gonna fill you up

with my cream!

Oh, Mama. The big finish--

she's inside!

Get ready!

Holy monkey!

That wasn't in the script!

Here we go again.

Please tell me

that was good for focus.

Yeah, focus was good.

We got it.

Check that gate, baby!

Yeah, good gate.

That's a wrap. Make sure

you hand in your paperwork

to Production before you leave.

Whoo! After a hard day

of directing-slash-acting,

there's only one way

I like to chillax.

Titty bar!

Now let's see.

Confidence? Check.

Frighteningly chiseled

good looks? Check.

Noticeable obscene bulge

emanating from the lower region?

What the f***?

A check-a-doodle-doo.

Later, G.

Keep it real, playa.

Hey, I'm here to kill the bats.

Carry on, my simpleminded,

minimum-wage friend.

Yeah, I only kill these things

on the side.

I got me an application in

to the Dinky Donuts.

I know I know,

you want an autograph.

Oh, that'd be great.

Sorry, I don't sign.

I feel it damages

my artistic credibility.

- What?

- Oh, fine.

Take a headshot, and here,

a Superbeasto bumper sticker.

Put it on your sh*t car.

Now lay off!

Cow-a-yay-ya!

It's about time for my theme song,

don't you think?

Maestro, if you please.

# Left upon a darkened stair #

# A baby thick with body hair #

# A wrestling family

heard the cries #

# And learned him

how to murderize #

# He soon grew up

and up and up #

# And now this

not-so-little pup #

# Had found a knack

for pounding guts #

# While pounding booze

and pounding sluts #

# A**holes,

better watch your ass #

# Here comes a mangler

with a mask #

His hands are like hammers.

Each one is too big.

All surrender.

He renders them tenderized meat!

Ram 'em, jam 'em,

block 'em, clock 'em!

# El Superbeasto! #

# El Superbeasto! #

# El Superbeasto! #

Oh, sh*t!

Hey, man, what the hell?

I get my hands on you, I--

Gee, wipers--

whoo hoo hoo!

Hiya, Beasto.

Good to see you back.

Well, it's good to see

your back too!

- Or should I say crack?

- Oh, Beasto!

Nice rack, buddy.

Houston,

we no longer have a problem.

Time for a little

hair of the dog that bit me, Lloyd.

Get it? "The Shining"?

Hilarious.

A f***ing comedian.

What'll it be, Beasto?

I ain't in the mood for

tired '80s references, man.

Make it the Ethel Merman.

And because I'm a man

of superior taste,

I will take an order

of your tasty hot wings.

Doh!

Sorry, was this seat taken?

Yello, Beasto World Enterprises.

Beasto, I'm in position.

Operation Iron Eagle is a go.

Yeah, that's not really gonna

work for me.

Can we pencil this in

for next Thursday?

- Are you in a bar?

- No, I'm not in a bar!

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