The Hard Way

Synopsis: There's no easy way to teach a new partner old tricks. Moss was a cop who lived by his wits - and survived through sheer guts. Lang was a Hollywood actor who mugged through his roles - and cleaned up at the box office. Suddenly, Lang wanted to "get inside" his movie role as a tough-guy cop. And Moss was the lucky cop who had to take him on as a partner. A pain in the neck, he thought, but a piece of cake. Until they started trailing a psychotic killer. In police work, there's a right way and a wrong way. For Moss and Lang, there's only... THE HARD WAY.
Genre: Action, Comedy, Crime
Original Story by: Lem Dobbs Michael Kozoll Daniel Pyne

You don't see me standin' here, man?

See me lookin' at you?

Get outta the car!

I'll take care of you, man!

- 911 emergency.

- Hello there. It's me... again.

Well, what can I say?

I'm about to crash another party.

Move it, d*ckhead! It's only a gas pedal.

It's not gonna bite.

- Hang on, Benny. Here we go.

- Whoa!

- Would you slow down?

- Come on!

Aw, look at this.

- It's D for drive, shithead!

- F*** you!

There oughta be a goddamn law,

driving without a brain!

Out of the way!

Police business, you got it?

It isn't police business, Moss.

You're late for a goddamn date.

You can't be yelling "police business"

when it isn't

It's my business

and I'm the police, right?

So go figure. What is this guy doing?

Come on, Moss!

What are you gonna tell the captain?

"Sorry about the 45 people I killed.

I was horny. "

We've only been out

a few times, me and Susan.

No one I've met since my divorce

stuck around for a second date.

Maybe it's something

about my personality.

Up yours, a**hole!

Goddamn it!

Susan's different. I think she's the one.

I even quit smoking for her.

Hey, you a**hole! What's the matter?

- Goddamn it, what is this? A conspiracy?

- It's a billboard.

What's-his-face. The new Nick Lang

movie. I really love that guy.

I hate him. He's in my way. Bad enough

he's up there and we're stuck down here.

Party Crasher

spotted at a dance club on 46th.

No, not tonight!

I got a date! Sh*t, sh*t, sh*t!

Hey, hey! We're working here!

# I'm rockin' my peers

puttin' suckers in fear

# Makin' the tears

rain down like a monsoon

# Listen to the bass go boom

# Explosion

# Overpowerin'

# Over the competition I'm towerin'

# Wreckin' shop

when I drop these lyrics

# That'll make you call the cops

# Don't you dare stare

You better move

# Don't ever compare me to the rest

# That'll all get sliced and diced

# Competition's payin' the price

# I'm gonna knock you out (Huh!)

# Mama said knock you out (Huh!)

# I'm gonna knock you out (Huh!)

# Mama said knock you out (Huh!)

# I'm gonna knock you out (Huh!)

# Mama said knock you out (Huh!)

# I'm gonna knock you out (Huh!)

# Mama said knock you out (Huh!)

#Don't you call this

He's gonna call us every time

he shoots someone?

The man likes an audience.

Grainy, check the back.

China, Billy, stay out front.

- We stand out here pullin' our puds?

- He might kill someone out here.

I don't have a pud.

Pull on yours twice for me.

Said he'd be dressed in black.

Shouldn't be that hard to spot.

# Shadow-boxing when

I heard you on the radio

# Huh! I just don't know

# What made you forget

that I was raw

# But now I got a new tour

# I'm goin' insane,

startin' the hurricane

# Releasin' pain,

lettin' you know

# You can't gain or maintain

unless you say my name

# Rippin', killin'

# Diggin' and drillin' a hole

# Pass the Old Gold

# Mama said knock you out (Huh!)

# I'm gonna knock you out (Huh!)

# Mama said knock you out (Huh!)

# I'm gonna knock you out (Huh!)

# Mama said knock you out (Huh!)

# I'm gonna knock you out (Huh!)

# Mama said knock you out (Huh!)

# Shotgun blasts are heard

# When I rip and kill at will

# The man of the hour, tower of power

# I'll devour

# I'm gonna tie you up

and let you understand

# That I'm not your average man

Billy, you got him?

China, where is he?

Where is he? I don't see him!


Damn it.

Damn it, he's right there. Billy!

Billy, the tow truck!

Hey! Come here, you prick.

Ow! Damn it.

- Whoa!

- Hey, a**hole!

You drive. I wanna shoot him!

Come on! We jingle it, baby.

Come on, let's roll. Come on!

You son of a b*tch!

- Chill! Wait for me get my gun out.

- Don't tell me how to drive, Billy.

There he is!

- Come on! Sh*t!

- Jumpin' Jesus.

Billy, shoot him. Kill this a**hole.

I would if you'd get out of the way, you

tow-truck-drivin' motherfuckin' supercop!

I don't give a sh*t. Shoot him.

You like it? You're gonna die!

You're gonna die. If I ever

get out of this, you're gonna die.


Uh-oh. Oh, boy.

Shoot him! Shoot him!

Damn it! Shoot him again, Billy.

Don't pull it. Oh, no! Goddamn it!

Oh, it's gonna hurt. Ow!

Yahoo! You see that, sucker?

Excuse me, Lieutenant.

Care for a cigarette

Oh, sh*t!


You son of a b*tch!

Oh, man.

I hate that guy.

No one talks that way to Joe Gunn.

Look who's back in town.

Where there's fire, there's smoke.

Where there's smoke,

there's Joe Gunn.

He hates bad guys.

Gunn, I'm gonna kill ya.

He loves bad girls.

Joe, you gotta help me!

This time, he's tracking

a killer halfway around the globe.

He can't be stopped.

Hang on! I'm coming.

And he never quits.

Joe, why don't you quit?

These'll kill you.

You kill me, baby.

I want him found.

I want him stopped.

I want him dead.

Gee, it's great to be wanted.

Nick Lang is Joe Gunn

in "Smoking Gunn II".

Cos you can't keep a good gun down.

Rated R.

- Nickie!

- It's crap, Angie. It's crap!

It's another big budget, big box-office,

Nick Lang, easy-to-flush piece of crap.

Don't throw your People's Choice Award.

When are you gonna come to me

with something with relevance...

...something that doesn't have

a Roman numeral in the title?

Did you ever hear of Hamlet I I I?

Midsummer's Night IV?

They made Henry V. It won awards

for that little Scottish fellow.

- So that's what this is about.

- Hi, Nickie!

Me, the agent that mismanaged

you all the way to No. .

All right. Fine, let's talk about

something that matters.

Let's talk about...

$1.2 billion in

combined ticket sales.

Not to mention $7 million

pay-or-play, or 12% of the gross.

You've never been bigger. They're

bootlegging your movies to Libya.

Fabulous. I've cornered the terrorist

market. How am I doing in Iraq?

The problem is

I'm tired of playing cartoons.

You don't want me to grow up.

The studio doesn't want me to grow up.

I'm the only one

who wants me to grow up!

Let's cut through it.

It's that part, isn't it?

You still wanna play

that cop, Ray Casanova.

Casanov, Ray Casanov.

And you're damn right.

Come on, Gupta, get the kind

with the fresh ones!

Damn right I want to! You know why?

Because that's a real guy.

He worries about paying the rent...

...he bleeds when he gets shot,

pukes when he gets sick.

Nick! Spielberg's wife just had a baby.

Should I send that wine and cheese?

Yeah, and some of those muffins

and a note, something personal.

Not too personal. He forgot

to mention me in his AFI speech.

- Add my name.

- OK.

People come to see your movies

because you make them happy.

Call me crazy, but I don't see America

coming out in droves to see you puke.

Besides, they want

Mel Gibson for the role.

- Is it about asses? Is it a butt movie?

- Get up, get up.

The director'll be back in two weeks.

- They'll close the deal.

- Good afternoon, Mr Lang.

Wait a minute. Did you say two weeks?

Two weeks is perfect. Two weeks is

enough. I wanna test for the part.

Test? No, no.

- Ange, listen to me.

- You listen to me!

My mind is made up.

This means too much to me.

I'll pay for the damn test myself!

They'll try to get you

for less, a lot less.

Ange, please, hold it for one second.

Let me show you something.

Rosalie, please, can you... I got this

off the dish last night. You gotta watch it.

Four times this Party Crasher

has alerted you...

...before killing someone,

and he still got away.

- You care to comment on that?

- Tie your dick in a knot!

Freeze! Slow-mo, slow-mo.

- Isn't that incredible?

- Uh-huh.

Research, Ange.

Look at this face. Look at those eyes.

That's my character. That's my guide.

That's Ray Casanov.

That's the face of a man

who's been to the edge...

...a man who's tasted fear!

- And vomit.

I wanna go to New York tonight.

Call the studio. Get 'em to set it up.

I wanna spend two weeks with this guy.

I wanna eat, sleep, breathe John Moss.

If I can taste his world,

if I can walk his beat...

...if I can get under his skin,

I will nail this part.

- Nickie, I love you.

- I love you too, Ange.

Reality check - you can't leave town.

Your movie opens Friday.

- So what?

- I already booked Johnny, Barbara...

...Phil, Arsenio. Woo-woo-woo-woo!

Tell 'em to run an old one.

They're all the same.

- They just ask about the paternity suit.

- Suits.

What if this cop doesn't

want you tagging after him?

Ange, get real. Two pros exchanging ideas.

Why wouldn't he wanna do it?


I mean that with all due respect.

There's no way on earth I am gonna

baby-sit some Hollywood rump wrangler.

- I'm on a murder investigation.

- You have no vote. You're off the case.

Look at you. You're all busted up.

If it weren't for Lang,

you'd be on injured leave.

Christ, you can't pull me off this case.

This Party Crasher has

whacked out seven people...

...four of 'em in front of us!

He's nuts! I looked in his eyes.

Know what I saw?

Pleasure. He likes it.

He's gonna do it again. Soon.

Moss, you're off.

Mayor Dinkins insisted.

Evidently this Hollywood actor

asked for you by name.

- What?

- Yes. Come in.

Benny. Wait for me outside.

I gotta talk to you.

All right, here's the story.

Pooley takes over for you.

You are breaking in a new

partner named Ray Casanov.

The guy just wants to blend in,

be another cop on the job... nobody knows he's Nick Lang.

- Yes, sir.

- And Moss, no action.

This guy gets his hair

messed up, we're all in deep sh*t.

Yes, sir.

- Hey, John.

- Captain?

You got two ways to deal with this. You

got the easy way, you got the hard way.

John, do us all a favour

and make the right choice.

- I always do.

- Good.

Son of a b*tch!

Hi, I'm looking

for Lieutenant Moss.

Oh, God. You...

He's over there relaxin'.

- Moss!

- What? What?

You got company.

Hi, John.

Susan. Hi, I...

...didn't expect to see

you here this morning.

- Thank you, Billy.

- Aw, wanna be alone?

I tried calling you yesterday

and this morning.

I got your messages. I would have called

you at home, but I lost your number.

That happens. I lost my keys last week.

- Actually, my daughter Bonnie lost it.

- You know, kids.

Yeah. I wanted to let you know I wasn't

mad, even though you didn't show up.

I didn't think you were one of those

Cro-Magnon jerks who stands people up.

- These are yours, right?

- No, I quit. I don't smoke.


Thank you, Benny.

- Bye.

- Bye.

Anyway, I know where you work

cos I saw you on the news.

- You did?

- Yeah.

Good thing Bonnie didn't see you.

I read lips.

Oh, no. That was taken

out of context.

Those reporters can be

real a**holes, real irritating.

Hey, hey.

- I wanted to see how you were doin'.

- I'm OK. I'm doing good.

It's not like I wanted to go out...

...tonight... around . .

Oh! Oh. Yeah, well.

So what are you doing

for dinner tonight?

- Tonight?

- Around . .

As a matter of fact, I have no plans.

Great. I'll call you, and we'll make

a plan for a place to go.

OK. All right.

Give me a kiss, baby.

Take a bow, baby.

Yeah, yeah! Way to go.

Hey, Moss, heard you got yanked. Sorry.

Hey, that's too bad, John.

You gotta be Casanov.

F***ing A.

Hey, Casanov. You look

a lot like that actor.

- Yeah, Nick Lang.

- Only shorter.

A lot shorter.

OK, ladies, let's get

some real work done here.

Tea break's over. Party Crasher briefing

in the squad room. Let's go.


I really am Nick Lang.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.


Lieutenant Moss, I haven't been

this jazzed since the Golden Globes.

I mean, a cop like you

showing me the streets.

The two of us comparing scars.

I have had a couple of scrapes myself.

I got rope burns on Smoking Gun II.

I chafed for a month. It was terrible.

This place is great.

The look, the textures...

...the aroma.

I mean, it's like a movie,

it's so real.

And you don't have

to worry about me screwing up.

I did my homework. I know

police procedures, police lingo...

Hey, homeboy!

I'm in great shape. My trainer's

got me on Nautilus and the StairMaster... you don't have

to worry about Nick Lang.

Son of a b*tch!

Caught me off guard there.

You know, Lieutenant,

I can't help but notice...

...that I'm doing most of

the talking here, which is fine.

I guess you're not a morning

person, and can I relate to that!

Before Esperanza brings me that first cup

of cappuccino, I am toast. Forget about it.

It's decaf. My nutritionist

is cutting down my caffeine.


Turned a little early there.

I was wondering. In order to capture

the essence of the police experience... I get a gun?

For realism.

I mean, Lieutenant...'s not like

I'm gonna use the thing.

Although bullets would be nice.

Not if you tied my tongue

to your tailpipe and drove me...

...naked across a field of

broken glass. No, no, no!

- Is this about the actor?

- I gave the maggot a chance.

I got to the bathroom and back.

He doesn't belong here.

He belongs in never-never land...

...with his assistants, his maid...

...and the guy who wipes his ass

after he pinches off his loaf, OK?

- This is about the actor.

- He wants to carry a loaded weapon.

- Send that little jizzball in here.

- Thank you.

Excuse me, gents.

Sorry to interrupt.

- Hi, Captain Brix?

- Yeah.

Nick Lang. I understand

you're in on our secret.

Dave Dinkins sends his best, by the way.

Listen, I just wanted to thank you

for all your help in making this possible.

I gotta tell you.

My wife's crazy about you.

We are really big fans!

- Well, uh, what's your wife's name?

- Norma.

If it wasn't for people like you and Norma,

I'd be digging ditches. So, thanks.

Hey. Wow. I just got a great idea.

You and Norma...

- Do you have kids?

- Uh, no...

You and Norma come out to the coast,

see the premiere of the movie.

You can stay at my house with me.

- At your house?

- Do you like the beach?

What we talked about, the jizzball thing?

Yeah. Look, um...

- Would you sign this? To Norma?

- Not a problem. Absolutely.



Bang, bang...

...Nick Lang.

Thank you. Thank you.

- If there's anything we can do...

- You're doing it.

Thanks. OK.

Thanks, John.

"Bang, bang"?

Get my wife on the phone, would you?

Lieutenant, I was thinking.

I don't really need the gun.

It's probably better

to wait a couple of days...

...until I get this cop thing down pat.

- What have you got?

Coroner's report on that guy

the Party Crasher took out.

Of course, I'm off the case.

Safety bullets, hollow points.

That figures.

Custom-made. Look at this thing!

Looks like that Darth Vader thing

we took off the Dead Romeos.

Yeah. Are they buying from

the same guy the Party Crasher is?

- Check this.

- Might have to ask the Dead Romeos.

- Not me, of course. I'm off the case.

- Sorry to hear it.

I'll be introducing my new partner, Ray

Casanov, to the pleasures of a frog dog.

Frog dog, Ray! Mmm, tasty!

- Frog dog?

- Ribbet!

Look at this. I'm moving

to Florida, I swear to God.

Get outta the way!

I guess cops can drive

as fast as they want, huh?

Look, Moss, let's get

on the same page here, OK?

I'm sensing that you're not

completely happy with this situation.

That's fine, OK? Cos I'm here

for one reason only.

You are the best. You're a heavyweight.

You're a Yoda among cops.

You know Yoda?

Little guy, big ears, real smart.

So it doesn't matter what you think of me,

cos I have respect for you.

And that is where I'm coming from.

Look, dickwad, I don't give

a rat's ass where you're coming from.

- I just care about where you're going.

- Good, we're talking.

Where do I drop you off?

Where are you staying?

- Give me a name.

- I'm staying with you.

Maybe when my a**hole

learns to chew gum.

- I thought this was arranged.

- Nobody arranged jackshit with me.

You know, a lot of people would be

excited to have Nick Lang in their home.

I'll drop you off at their place.

- Listen.

- No!

You listen, you egomaniacal cockroach!

I got yanked off a case so

you could be a cop groupie...

...and now you wanna live in my house?

I got a job to do. I don't have time for

anybody in my house, this car, my life...

...who isn't a) a cop

or b) the Party Crasher. Got it?

So that's what this is about.

You're still after this guy.

Give me the name of a hotel or I bounce

your ass out at the next light.

I dunno. Do you think

that's a good idea?

I don't think Captain Brix

is gonna like it.

I mean, us being separated,

you being back on the case.

Although I'm not

gonna mention anything...

...because if you can't trust

your partner, who can you trust?

- What is that?

- It's a rubber gun. I got it from props.

It'll help me get into character

until I get a gun.

Great. Dickless Tracy.

Hey, stay here.

Hey, how come I can't come with you?


I sit and roll over, too.

Oh, man.

Oh, this is beautiful.

This is amazing.


OK... and tilt.



I may have to kill you later.


And I looked out, and he was

wearing a Mr T starter kit.

You hear this crazy ho?

Yo, kill that dumb slut!


Get over there. Don't f***in' move!

Let's reacquaint ourselves.

I'm Lieutenant John Moss.

For those of you with short attention

spans, you are the Dead Romeos.

Not us, Lieutenant.

We a reading group.

- Shut up!

- Damn, man.

Reading group, huh? These don't

look like the classics to me.

Those are just shower gifts, homeboy.

I ain't your homeboy, OK?

You wanna graduate

from high school, get decent jobs.

Try white-collar crime,

that's where the real money is.

OK, pop quiz.

There is a shooter out there.

He's using hollow-point safety slugs

in a retooled. 475...

...beefed-up gun barrel, laser sight.

Kinda like the gun I took off

one of you shits at the B&K Liquors.

- It wasn't us, man.

- Shh.

Yo, yo. I think the dude

thinks he's Babe Ruth.

This is a custom-made gun. It takes

a specialist to make such a gun.

- I need a name.

- We don't know nothin'.

- Get outta the damn way!

- I'm sorry, man.

I couldn't hear that name with the TV.

Joe Gunn is back in "Smoking Gunn II".

Nick Lang is once again Joe Gunn

who hates bad guys, loves bad girls.

- Hey, Nick Lang. He's bad. Real bad!

- Nick Lang is a f*ggot.

Yeah, I'm very into

environmental causes.

I think a lot of people don't know this.

All of my movies...

...are shot on biodegradable film stock.

Hey, Ange. It's me, Nickie. Ange,

you're never gonna believe where I am.

No, not the Russian Tea Room.

Do me a favour, don't even guess.

I'm in a ghetto.

No, no, it's not a tour.

Ange, I'm with Moss.

I'm already in the middle of a murder

investigation. Can you believe that?

I'm gonna get this part. I'm soaking

this up. You gotta see this place.

It's, like, the grit, the dirt, the crime,

the human drama - it's all around you.

You can feel it in the air.

Hey! Hey! I need that phone!

I'm calling a cop. You know

there's a cop right inside there.

Come on.


Just hang it up, OK? It's on my bill.

Just... sh*t!

Name, name. Come on, name.

- Witherspoon.

- Are you crazy?

Shut up! Shut up!

- Excuse me, I couldn't hear you. Who?

- I said the dude's name is Witherspoon.

- Where?

- He moves around. Works out of a van.

- He sells guns, whatever kind you want.

- Moss!

John, I've been looking

all over for you.

They stole my cellular phone

and I think it might a been a gang.

- Hi, guys. Sorry to interrupt.

- I told you to wait in the car.

- That kid looks just like Nick Lang.

- Only shorter, right?

No, whiter.

Look, John, I'm sorry. It's just

that they're real pissed off and...

- I said wait in the car.

- Oh, great.

Get down!

Get off my foot!

- I don't see no blood.

- Ah, chill, man.

Oh, sh*t!

I got to find my...

I think I lost a contact out there.

You told them I was in there? You led

'em to a rival gang, and to me?

- I was trying to help.

- Don't help me. I had to call this in.


Over a dozen cops are coming

and I gotta explain...

...what you were doing

in a gang war, jackoff!

Was that great?

I knew they were a gang.

They had that kind of gang look.

I got a knack for this.

You think you got a knack?

What was the licence plate of the car?

That was, uh... a New York plate.

They're blue, right?

You notice something a little

different about our car?

- They stole my bags!

- You should a locked 'em in the trunk.

You know, all my clothes were

in those bags. All my stuff!

At least they didn't steal your rubber gun.

Hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey.

Look at this. Look at this.

This could be a clue.

I think they're in this bar.

- So?

- So you gotta go in there.

- You gotta get my stuff.

- "Gotta"?

"Gotta"? Listen, Nick.

May I call you Nick?

I'd be happy to help

you with your problem...

...but, first, you gotta fill out a form.

Then I gotta get assigned to the case.

Then you gotta wait a few days, or weeks.

Fine. If that's the way

you wanna be about it, that's great.

Don't worry about it.

I'll go in there.

- I'll get my stuff.

- I cannot wait.

Gee, Moss, we gotta

stop meeting like this.

Look, Benny. I'd appreciate it

if you left me out of the report.

Hi, Grainy.

The captain might not like it, me getting

the new guy shot at on his first day.

- Is that all he wouldn't like?

- What?

If I didn't know you better, I'd say your

mind was still on the Party Crasher case.

- It's a good thing you know me better.

- Yeah, good thing.

So where is Casanov?

They didn't have 'em.

And stay the f*** out!

It's been a bad day.

Look at the love boat.

You sure impound didn't have

anything more low-profile?

- Frog dog, Billy.

- I'll have a frog dog too, Billy.

Hi, Bonnie. Is your mother home?

No, this isn't Mr Tibor.

This is...

No, it's not Frankie either.

No, it's not Alphonse. What are these?

Like, guys your mom works with?

No, this is John Moss.

Ah. Well... hello?

OK, then I'll call

back later. OK, bye.

- Yo, Bill.

- How ya doin', Lieutenant?

Frog dog, huh!

Next time, invite the kid.

- What?

- On your date.

Bring the daughter along.

I don't know what the hell

you're talkin' about.

Oh, do you have any Grey Poupon?

A single mother.

Daughter never had a dad.

Doesn't trust men,

especially ones around her mom.

You wanna get next to this woman,

but you can't catch a break from the kid.

I know, it's a gift.

Why would I wanna bring

the daughter along?

Never mind. What the hell

am I talking about this with you for?

- Banzai!

- Konnichiwa.

- Oh, Bill.

- Oh, Bill.

Good stuff. You eat

like this all the time?

Probably not the best idea...

...from a health point of view.

You know, if you... good to your bowels,

then they will be good to you.

Your nutritionist, right?

Do you want her number, John?

Bravo, Bill!

Oh, Bill, good.

OK. Knock that sh*t off, all right?

It's like carrying a goddamn mirror around.

Don't eat like me, don't sit like me,

and do not smoke like me.

- I'm trying to quit, anyway.

- Me too.

And don't quit like me either. All right?

- John, an actor's job is to...

- Lang, I don't care.

All right! Just stop!

All right. OK.

Tell me about the Party Crasher.

What's this guy's programme?

He kills four people right in front of you?

- What does it take to do that?

- The guy's nuts.

Too many birds in his antenna. I dunno

what the hell it takes. He's crazy.

- You ever kill anybody?

- Counting today?

John, my character kills a guy,

probably an innocent bystander.

- I wanna know what that's like.

- You can't.

Open up! I wanna know what it's like

to be inside your skin.

I don't want you inside my skin!

It's private. What's in there

belongs to me.

You won't learn what it means to be a cop

by eating hot dogs and asking questions.

We live this job. It's something

we are, not something we do.

When a cop walks up to a car

and has to give a speeding ticket...

...he knows he may have to kill someone

or be killed himself.

That's not something you step into

by strapping on a rubber gun.

You go back to your million-dollar house,

your bimbos and blow jobs.

You get 17 takes to get it right.

We get one take.

It lasts our whole lives.

We mess it up and we're dead.

F***, was that great! I'm so...

Look, John. Can you just do

that one more time for me? Please?

John! Oh, well.

John Moss, meaning of life.


Fourth squad lieutenant. Homicide

in the churchyard. Party Crasher MO.

Stay here.

- What have you got?

- Same story.

The prick called to say he's coming. The

guy in the church figures it's a crank call.

None of our guys ever had a shot at him.

Some crank call, huh?

What do we know about the victim?

How ya doing?

Neighbourhood transvestite,

entertainer, singer. Never had a chance.

- Still no line on the killer?

- What's this prick doin' here?

Looks like he's got you turned around.

- Hey...

- Hey, go tie your dick in a knot!

Benny, can you write this up?

What's with you?

I can't believe he'd kill in broad daylight.

He's a hambone like you,

he craves attention.

Know what a hambone

hates more than anything else?

- What's that?

- A bad review.

Hey, Frank! Frank!

You want an interview? You got it.

Make sure you get a shot of that body.

Lieutenant Moss. So, what's your

assessment of this Party Crasher?

You don't need a shrink to tell

you he's a raving psycho.

Come to think of it,

he may not even be a man.

I doubt he's got the equipment

for it. He's probably a pervert.

What is your assessment

of this Party Crasher?

You don't need a shrink to tell

you he's a raving psycho.

Come to think of it,

he may not even be a man.

I doubt he has the right equipment

for it. He's probably a pervert.

Whoever he is, he is gutless, he is

pathetic, and when his luck runs out...

...I am gonna be on him like

a bum on a baloney sandwich.

You got that, you chickenshit,

wherever you are?

That's a promise from me to you. to you. to you. to you. to you.

Me to you.

Me to you.

Me to you.

Whoa. Look at this.

- When's your housekeeper coming?

- My what?

Well, you know.

You think cops live in filth,

like in the movies?

No, it's just that

you gotta admit, John...

...filth has a certain

reality to it, a certain edge.

Not that this doesn't. I mean,

this is very fresh, very unexpected.

Hey, you play piano?

Look who's back in town.

Where there's fire, there's smoke.

Where there's smoke...

You know the high part?

My dad played.

Ah! Now that's what I mean.

Cop's dad plays piano.

That's a great notion. I love that.

It's got its own reality,

its own authenticity.

- It's very unexpected...

- It's my life.

Too bad I can't use it.

Nobody'd believe it.

Hey, look at this. Got my

billboard down the street.

Good. You'll be sleeping

close to the one you love.

Hi, Nickie.

How are you? It's Stacy.


Stacy? You gave out

my number at home?

Hey, John... People find me

wherever I go. It's like a curse.

Do you think I like

not having any privacy?

Bye-bye now.

Hi, Nickie, it's me.

I'd love to get together.

Hi, Nickie, it's Roger.

- Roger. I knew it.

- Hi, Nickie, it's Francine.

Remember me from the Ramada Inn?

God! Whoa! Francine, she's got a sister...

The Ramada Inn? Jesus!

- Thank you, John.

- Hi, it's Susan.

Susan! Oh, sh*t.

Hi, it's Susan. You didn't call so

I'm calling to remind you about...

We were supposed to be at Sal's...

...for pizza at 8.00.

... for pizza at 8.00.

Oh, man!


All right, bye.

Good hands, buddy!

Put it up!

Put it up! Come on!


John Moss. The private side.

What have we got here? Bill.

Con Ed.

Huh? A little over

on your Mastercard, John.

In the fridge we got

three beers, domestic...

...baking soda,

some kind of mystery meat.


Some very old cheese. Lacking in vitamins

B, C and E. Explains the temper, John.

Closet. Socks - green, black.

Gun. Gun?

It's my life.

It's my life.

No sh*t, punk. It's my life!

- What's the matter? Find a split end?

- I've been counting.

You have seven different

facial expressions.

So, a date, huh? It'd be an education

to see what you're like with a woman.

A situation fraught

with sexual tension.

Don't suppose you wanna

make it a threesome, huh?

Eight facial expressions.

Nine. Ten. Wow!

I'll tell you what. I don't

have to go. I'll just...

Do what you do in Hollywood.

Rum drinks, fern bar, gerbil racing.

Take that gun out of your pants before

you shoot your dick off. Gerbil racing!

- So, what are we getting?

- I dunno.

You wanna share an extra large,

everything on it?

- You like anchovies?

- I...

...hate... love anchovies.

They're my favourite part.

- I hate them.

- Right. OK, good.

Why don't we get a pizza

half with anchovies, half without?

Sometimes they slide to the other side.

That's only when the cook

forgets to kill them first.

- You haven't told us how you got hurt.

- A little accident on the job.

A little accident?

This is our third date, our fourth date.

You know everything about me. You know

where I was born, about my parents...

...the names of Bonnie's teachers...

- How much you weigh.

How much I weigh. And I know you're

a cop who hates to talk about himself.

I don't hate to talk about myself.

- Yeah, you do.

- Yeah, I do.

So I tell you what.

We're not saying a word until

you tell us something personal.

Something you love,

something you hate.

- Something I hate.

- John? John Moss!

Unbelievable. You and me, same place.

What are the odds of that happening?

They say New York's a big town.

Somebody told me

that Sal's had great pizza...

...and I figured it was

either here or the sushi bar.

I hate those drunken sushis.

You must be Bonnie.

John said you had a great laugh.

Susan, hi. Ray Casanov, John's partner.

Nice to meet the woman who

turned this big lug's head.

You know, you look just like Nick Lang.

You think so?

Do you like Nick Lang?

I used to when I was little.

I like Mel Gibson now.

I love him. I love Mel Gibson.

- Moss? I got a table ready for you.

- Great.

Great to see you, Ray.

You're probably headed the other way.

- Do you wanna eat with us?

- No, he couldn't.

No, I spend all day with John.

I'm his partner...


Crash, crash, crash.

Wherever you are,

that's a promise from me to you.

You to me. You to me, huh? to you. to you. to you.

You to me. No, me to you!

- ... me to you.

- Me to you! to you.

#(Silly girl)

# Shame on you, your mama said

#(Silly girl)

# Shame on you, you cried in bed

#(Silly girl)

# Shame on you, you told a lie

# Big girls don't cry

- Everybody!

- # Big girls...

# Don't cry-ay-ay

# They don't cry

Come on, John. Come on, come on.

Sing along. Did you forget the words?

# An alibi

I tell ya, I went nuts. I wanted to take her,

right there in the office on the desk.

Is that the one from payroll with the jugs?

I get a world-class woody

every time I go down there.

Hey, guys. We got some ladies here.

- Bet that's a first!

- John, it's OK. Forget about it.

- It's not OK. Your daughter's here.

- Don't worry. I know what a woody is.

- How do you know what a woody is?

- Why don't we move to another table?

- Hey, guys, keep it down.

- Man, keep this down!

Jay! You f*ggot! You homo...

Excuse me.

- Hey!

- Hey, what's your problem?

What did you say?

John, just forget about it!

Hey, a**hole! Sit down!

- Get on the table.

- Break his face!

This is ridiculous.

Come here! Hey, leave him alone.

- I would sit down.

- I said, sit down!

It's all right, folks. I'm a police officer.

Ray, show 'em your badge.


And call Midtown.

Tell 'em it's a - .

Can we go now?

I think Bonnie's seen enough.

John, get the check.

Hey, get down there!

Put your hands on the table.

- I gotta go to the precinct.

- Can't Ray do that?

Put your hands on the table.

- No, he can't.

- All right, maybe he can escort us home.

- Hey! Susan!

- It was great!


- Hey, they got home OK.

- Oh, it's you.

Sorry about Sal's.

I was gonna meet 'em and leave.

I had no idea they'd ask me to stay.

She's nice, Susan. So's Bonnie.

Decided to take her along, huh?

- She hates me.

- Buy her a pony.

- I'm talking about Susan.

- So buy her a horse.

Hey, can I get a beer?

Susan doesn't hate you.

She's just gettin' to know you.

You gotta... Can I offer

you a little advice?

No, you can't. No. No. No.

Loosen up a little bit, OK?

Seriously. Just... let her in.

- Bare your soul a little.

- Hollywood horseshit.

Where'd you get that last one from?

I can help you, John. I'm serious.

I got it. Pretend I'm Susan.

- What?

- Go with me. This is what I do.

I pretend I'm other people.

If you loosen up a little bit,

you might learn something.

Now, I'm Susan. You're John.

No, you're sick and I'm thirsty.

OK, maybe I can get us started here.


Well, what?

Talk to me, John.

Tell me what I wanna hear.

Get away from me. Who is this guy?

See? You never talk to me.

You always keep me at a distance.

You treat me like a princess

that you can't touch.

Well, maybe I wanna be touched, John.

- Hey, hey.

- Maybe I wanna be manhandled.

This is crazy.

Don't do this to me here, OK?

- Other men can talk to me.

- What other men? What other men?

- Can I get a Dubonnet, please?

- Is she seeing other men?

- See how he wants to talk?

- Listen, Lang.

- Lang!

- Susan.

- Whoever.

- Susan.

Is she seeing other men?

Frankie? Alphonse? Hm?

Mr Tibor? Come on. Who? Come on.




Susan. Susan.

- Yes, John?

- Is she...

Are you seeing other men?

No, John. It's only you.

That's why it's so hard.

I want you, John.

But you just won't let me in.

- Thank you.

- Just a little...

- Ridiculous.

- I thought you were quitting for me.

- This is too strange.

- I'll tell you what's strange.

That somebody so strong

isn't confident in who he is.

- That's bullshit!

- Don't take that tone with me.

- Look... honey.

- Honey's good.

Ever since my divorce, yes, every time

I get serious about a woman, I get scared.

- How many women have there been?

- None, except for my wife.

- And me.

- And you. I mean, not you...

So how do you know you

get scared every time?

This is just like a woman. You turn it

around, give it a twist, you stick it in.

God! You know what?

I am outta here.

Bye. Keep your little Dubonnet.

I'm gone.

Ah, men.

You son of a b*tch!

You son of a b*tch!

I can't even go to the bathroom!

Mr Witherspoon?

Not looking for the repeat

customers, huh?

Ohh! Givin' me a hard-on, here.

Try skippin' a few meals. Somewhere,

there's a small country going hungry.

What's the matter with this guy?

Cat got your tongue?

We don't know who got it. Got bit

off in a street fight last year.

He won.

- That's my daughter.

- She's beautiful.

Thank you. She's with me once a month.

- Likes to play while I do business.

- Speaking of business...

Speaking of business.

Our mutual friend indicated to you

that I'm looking for a bored-out. ...

...that can't be traced, something

that won't blow up in my hands.

I can't help you.

I don't know nothin' from guns.

- Right.

- This man sounds like a cop.

Cop! Why? Cos I don't like being fondled

in public by some fat guy with a crush?

It's a joke.

I got money, plenty of

money, Mr Witherspoon. I got...

Hey! Mr Witherspoon, look.

No, no. It's just...

I got nowhere else to turn.

There's this guy. He's all over me.

It's a friggin' nightmare.

He's forced his way into my life.

He's told me, face-to-face,

that he wants to be me.

He moved into my apartment,

moved into my house, moved into my job.

What's next? You know? My old lady?

I know it. Everywhere I look,

I see his smiling face.

I turn on the goddamn TV and I hear his

voice, ya-ta-ta-ta, at me all the time!

You gotta help me. I have got

to get rid of this guy. Please?

Passionate man!

- Watch Julie for me.

- Thank you.

Oh, come to Papa.

Oh, no!

- Moss?

- Hi. It's Susan.

- Oh, hi, Susan.

- Is John home?

- No. No, John's not here.

- Maybe later he'll be home.


No, I... I'm not quite sure.

- Do you think we could have lunch?

- Lunch? Me and you?

- Yeah, you and me.

- Susan, that would be... that'd be great.

- OK, good. 12 .00?

- Yeah.

Right. Got it. OK, I'll be there.


If I'm not still handcuffed

to the goddamn sofaaaaa!

I have to be careful.

You understand.

The police frown on the guns I make.

People have occasionally used them...

...for socially irresponsible acts,

but what am I supposed to do?


- Thank you.

- Thank you.

This is it. This is

just what I was looking for.

It is a beautiful gun.

Oh, by the way, remember

when I said I wasn't a cop?

I was acting. Not bad, huh? No training.

Can you believe people get paid for that?

Don't even think about it!

You made a gun like this

with a laser sight, for someone else.

Tall guy, muscular build.

You're gonna help me find him.

- What did he do?

- He's been blowing holes in people.

- The Party Crasher?

- Where is he now?

I didn't know. He meets me.

Gives me some design specs.

I do 'em. I figure he was a gun fanatic.

He's waiting for a gun

I got now in the shop.

Well, you're gonna meet him

tomorrow. You got it?

O... O... OK.

I'm sorry I'm late.

It's just been one of those mornings.

- Couldn't get out of bed?

- No. I mean, no.

No, I just... just busy down at

the precinct. You know, this and that.

- Did you order?

- Yeah. I didn't know if you were coming.

It's all right.

I'll just find something real quick here.

All right. OK. Excuse me. Oh!

I, uh... took this perp in this morning...

...and I lost the key down a drain

after I un-cuffed him.

OK. Can I have the number six, with

romaine instead of iceberg lettuce...

...sprouts if they're fresh,

and a mustard vinaigrette?

No. You can have

what's on the menu, though.

- Can I have an Evian with lemon?

- I got tap water with ice.


The reason I asked you

here is... well, is John.

- You guys are pretty close, right?

- Oh, yeah. Course.

You might say John's been

a role model for me.

On our first date, I thought

"Wow, who is this guy?"

He was so attentive, he was so giving

and he was such a good listener...

...but by the 2nd and 3rd date, I thought

"I wish this guy would loosen up...

...maybe talk about himself. "

Maybe he's just not interested.

- Oh, he is.

- Yeah?

Susan, believe me.

See, I just met you. How come I

feel closer to you than I do to him?

Well, that's...

- We haven't even slept together yet.

- Well, no, I...

I want to.

I used to have this speech

impediment. I couldn't say no.

Bonnie cured me of that.

She cured me of a lot of things.

Never thought I'd date a cop.

What's it like?

It's kinda hard to put into words.

I mean, we live this job.

It's something we are,

not something we do.

You can't become a cop by strappin'

on a gun and ridin' around all day.

When a cop walks up to

give someone a speeding ticket...

...he knows he might have

to kill someone, or be killed himself.

People think this job is like in the movies,

where you get 17 takes to get it right.

We get one take... and

it lasts our whole lives.

We mess it up...

...and we're dead!


I wish John would express himself

like that. You know, like... mm!

I'm sorry. I just get...

It's nice having a police escort home.

- You like kids?

- Yeah, yeah.

Kids are great. They're like little people.

You were a big hit

with Bonnie last night.

Well, Bonnie's great.

Susan, listen.

This isn't right. OK? I know where

this is going and it's all wrong.

- What's all wrong?

- It happens to me all the time.

But it's best if we drop it now,

put it behind us, and nobody'll get hurt.

- Ray, I don't...

- I don't know what it is.

Maybe it's cos I look like Nick Lang.

Women go for that boyish type...

...but it's not fair to John.

- Ray, wait a minute. Did you think...

I mean, this isn't about you...

I mean, you don't think

I'm attracted to you?

You know.

No, no. Come on.

You attracted to me?

- No. Why would you be attracted to me?

- I'm sorry.

Of course, maybe if you got

to know me better.

- What we got here?

- Leave her alone!

Don't worry. Shh. He's a cop.


- It's not my jurisdiction.

- You gotta do something.

Transit cops get bent out of shape

if you butt in on their busts.

This is useless junk, Grandma!

What else you got?

- Move over, doll.

- Stop it!

- Ray!

- Leave her alone!

- Give me my purse!

- Where's the cash? Check the money.

- Ray, you gotta stop them!

- All right. OK.

All right, hold it right there. NYPD.

Hey, f*** off, pig!

What'd you say?


Holy sh*t.

Let's get the f*** outta here!

Are you a cop or aren't you?

All right. You're under arrest!

You pig!

Oh, sh*t! Where the f*** are we?

Let's get the f*** outta here!

- Freeze!

- Die, pig!

What am I doing?

What're you...

Get outta here!


Somebody call a cop!

I mean, another cop besides me.

It could be a hostage

situation. Be cool.

- Come on, let's go!

- We gotta get out of here.

Shoot him already!

Don't make me use this!

Ray's pinned down and he won't shoot

cos of the people standing around.


Get her outta here.

- What are you doing?

- Damn! F***in' locked!

He's out of bullets.

He's out of bullets!

Then go get him.

Police report'll look

better with your name on it, John.

Damn it!

Come on, come on!

- Kill him now!

- F***.

Sh*t! Step back, motherf***er!

I'm gonna blow your head off!

Step back. I'm not jokin'.

Thanks for the warning.

Up against the wall

and keep your mouth shut!

Boy, I could've done that.

- I was right. No bullets.

- You were wrong.

Misfire. We'll talk later.

I better get this job.

Oh, Ray, what happened? You OK?

- I'm fine.

- Can I talk to my partner?

What the hell's going on? Coincidence?

You wanted to see a New York subway...

...and you happened to be

on the one Susan was on!

- I invited him to lunch.

- You what?

- I can explain.

- You don't have to.

First you bust up our date. Then

you're having lunch with my girlfriend!

Oh, cut the jealousy bit.

You got no right.

Take a few pointers from Ray.

He knows how to deal with people.

And from what I saw,

he's probably a better cop.

While you were probably trashing pizza

parlours, he was dealing with real felons...

...without losing his head.

Goodbye. Call me.

I can't believe you just...

You just kissed him? You kissed his face?

And where are my handcuffs?

I have to pay for those!

I wanted to talk to you about that.

Why would you handcuff me to the bed?

I was good in there, John. Seriously.

We were major cojones!

So what is this? What? What?!

I know. OK. I left him on his own.

Guilty as charged, sir.

But... the guy's OK, right?

Not that that's any excuse.

You won't like that this happened while

I was working on the Party Crasher case.

But before you say what you have

every right to say, listen to this.

I know where the Party Crasher's

gonna be tomorrow.

If we get every available car, call the

shots ourselves, we can drop him cold!

- How?

- He's gonna pick up a gun tomorrow.

We get there first. OK?

Get Pooley, Grainy

and anybody else you can round up.

Captain, thank you. OK, great!

- Now I get rid of Nick Lang...

- No, Moss, you stay with Lang...

...and you do what I told you

and stay off this case.

Until Lang goes home,

he does not leave your sight.

Not to clip his toenails, nothing.

Go near anything more dangerous than

a coffee shop, you'll be an ex-policeman.

- You can't do this to me.

- Yes, I can. Watch me!




Yes, sir

I'm not giving up on this case. I don't give

a sh*t what your buddy Captain Brix says.

That maniac's gotta be stopped and

I'm gonna do it. I tracked him down. Me.

I'm gonna be there when they take this

prick down. With you or without you.

- Hey, John. About Susan...

- I don't wanna talk about it.

Crasher task-force unit. Male

caller has the Party Crasher at 14122nd.

- This may be the Party Crasher.

- Six blocks away!

Sh*t. I don't like it. No backup.

I don't like you being here.

I don't like playing wet nurse.

You could've gotten yourself

killed in that subway.

If you're gonna be here,

you got a right to protect yourself.


That is the trigger.

Do not move from this car!

You sit here, you watch that door.

If he comes out, you tell me

which way he went. Period.

- Got it? That gun is only for

emergencies. - Right.

- You got it?

- I got it! It's for emergencies.

Don't move. Police!

- John?

- Sh*t!

- Moss?

- Look out!

Get down! Get out, Lang!

Oh, sh*t, John.

He's coming at me! What do I do?

- Get back to the car. Call for backup!

- I'll go call for backup.

You got him?

Jesus, Lang, what'd you do?

- What?

- You shot the wrong guy.

- Wrong guy?

- Jesus, Lang. Where's the shooter?

This is some street guy trying to get out.

What? You didn't tell me

there was more than one guy.

This guy doesn't even

have a gun. Didn't you look?

Damn it!

- He's dead.

- Oh, God! Oh, God.

I ju... I just...

It's over. It's over for me. My life is over!

What am I talking about?

I killed an unarmed guy! A street guy.

Give me your gun.

Give me your gun! Get in the car.

- You're arresting me.

- Shut up and let me think!

Get in! Damn it!

Ah, Jesus.

- Oh, God. Oh, God.

- All right.

You're a civilian

who shot an unarmed man...

...with a police-issue weapon,

and I let you do it.

If you take the rap for this,

we both lose our careers.

If I tell 'em I did it, maybe

I can make it look more heroic.

OK. My fingerprints

are on this gun.

You were never here. You understand?

You were never here.

I was never here.

I was never here.

I was never here.

I was... never here.

You're an actor.

Pretend it never happened.

Go back, host charity balls,

save whales...

...whatever it takes to make it OK.

- How can I forget?

- You can't.

- There's gonna be an investigation.

- I've been through 'em before.

Oh, man!

- How come you're doing this for me?

- I don't know.

Listen, if you need anything,

money, a suit for the trial, a lawyer...

- I'll call you as soon as I get back.

- No. Whatever you do, never call me.

- You understand?

- Right.



Continental Airlines flight

to Los Angeles is now ready for boarding.

Passengers in first class...

Hi. May I have your ticket please?

What am I doing?

Where's Moss?

- China, where's Moss?

- Wherever you're not.

Whatever he said he did, he did it for me.

He didn't even do it. I did it.

- What?

- I wanna make a full confession.

Do I look like a priest?

Don't try talking me out of it

cos my mind's made up.

"Moss, Moss! Help me, Moss!"

"He's coming straight at me.

What should I do?"

I come bursting through

the door, like a maniac.

This imbecile, his eyes are completely

closed, squeezes off a few shots.

So I slap my chest, go flying down

the stairs, head over heels...

...and land right on top of the f***in' guy.

Now he's sittin' there...

I'm dyin' on a piss, holding my breath.

Next thing I know, Moss is going

into this incredible performance, going...

..."Don't worry, Nick. It's OK."

"I'll take the fall for you.

You go back to Hollywood. "

And he believes him!

It was unreal. He sticks the kid on

a plane and he gets him outta his hair.

- Moss is back on the case.

- He's on that sting operation.

Nick. Nickie, baby!

You sharpshooter! We heard about you.

"It never happened, Nick.

I'll take the fall for you, Nick. "

Son of a b*tch! You stupid...

Stakeouts. Do you get

haemorrhoids sitting here, like, forever?

I think I had 'em

the last 13 years.

- I hate it.

- Can't do nothin' about it.

- I might try hypnosis.

- That sh*t don't work.

Something's gotta work.

With you, I don't know what works.

Love certainly isn't doing it.

He's half an hour late.

- I don't like it.

- I don't like this either.

I could've been home watching the Nacho

Prince against the Cuchi Frito Kid.

WrestleMania 14. Pay-per-view.

F*** no. We're here hanging out with you.

Oh, sh*t. Here he comes!

Oh, boy. That's him.

We've got contact.

Stay on your toes. Wait for the signal.

- It's beautiful.

- Thank you very much.

It's beautiful!

Damn it!

I bet you can hear me, Lieutenant Moss.

I just bet you can.

I think it's time we had a talk.

I think it's time

we got to know each other.

You obviously, you just don't

understand what I'm trying to do.

Don't make me kill him!

- High noon.

- Moss, watch your ass, man.

Relax, Benny.


Close enough.

I've been looking forward to this...

...meeting my opponent.\

Tell me, Lieutenant,

why are you doing this?

Doing what, exactly?

Why are you treating me like a criminal?

I don't know. Because... you are one?

No, I'm not.

You're a police officer. You should

understand what I'm trying to do.

We're playing the same game, Lieutenant.

We're hooked into the same programme.

I haven't done anything wrong. Anything.

I killed a pimp. I killed a drug dealer. I kill

the people that make your life difficult.

- You killed a four-year-old girl.

- You sacrifice pawns.

You play chess, Lieutenant?

I would've been a great cop.

Better than you.

Because I'm smarter than you.

I'm smarter and I'm better than you are!

OK. OK. You wanna be a cop? Uh...

Maybe it's not too late.

I could put in a word.

We could work something out.

Hey, Lieutenant... you think I'm stupid?

I was... hoping you were stupid...

...but, no, I don't think you're stupid.

A little crazy, maybe.

Don't shoot! He'll blow the place up.

I'm standing in the sh*t.

Game's over!

Go! Go!

You stupid idiot!

Crasher on foot, heading

west on 75th Street near Broadway.


I'm at the Beacon Theater,

in pursuit of the Party Crasher.

There you are, you son of a b*tch!

- Police officer.

- Can I help you?

- See a man, red shirt, blonde hair?

- No.

If you see him, do not interact with him.

- Police.

- Yeah, and where's your badge?

Hey, come back here! Sh*t.

Move outta the way.

I didn't pay to see your butt.

Put a cork in it.

Hey, guys. I'm over here.

Oh! Oh, my God, no!

No! No! No, God, no.

Moss, look out!

Stay down! Stay down!

Joe, you gotta help me!

Hang on. I'm comin'.

Aaagh! No!

OK, hold it. Freeze.

Hey, a**hole!






Keep him alive for trial. That's all I ask.

What the hell is he doing here?

He's a murderer. You don't have a gun.

- Moss?

- What? What?

You're a dead man.

It'll be easy.

I killed once, I can kill again.

Look. I was gonna leave a message

on your phone machine, all right?

You made me think I killed somebody.

Do have any idea what

that feels like?

Would you stop hitting

me in the face?

You got a minute?

OK, lock it up.

You wanted to know what

it feels like to be a cop...

...what it feels like to kill someone.

Well, now you know.

It feels like sh*t, huh?

I finally know

what it feels like to be you.

It sucks.

Susan, me... we wanted to like you.

But, no, nobody gets in, right?

It's private.

That's not what I call it, John.

I call it lonely.

Hey, Nick.

Damn! I hate it when he does that!

- Is that male bonding?

- Yeah, that's like talking to my ex-wife.

I'm so stupid!

Just keep driving.

You talking to me?

- Are you talking to me?

- Shut up and keep driving.

You know, I hate it

when people don't say "Please. "

Slow down. Aaagh!

I got a growth in my head

the size of a summer squash.

- I got a month to live, so...

- You're shitting me.

I'm not shitting anything. See, it starts

with the tumour and it goes to the colon.

Hey, I'm drivin' here! I'm drivin' here.

Let's go out like men.

Let's go out with a bang!

- Pull over now!

- Drop the gun!

- I said "pull over". Pull the f*** over!

- Drop the gun!

- Drop the gun.

- Stop the car.

- Drop the gun.

- Stop the car.

I knew you'd see things my way.

Yeah. 10-4. This is Officer Casanov.

I got the Party Crasher

in the back of my unit.

Got him all giftwrapped for delivery.

No need to thank me.

It's all part of the job. Over and out.

You want something done right,

goddamn it, call an actor.

No. That was a riveting performance.

Yeah. Thanks, Crash.

Now eat this!

I hate your movies!

A little glamour found its

way into the fourth precinct.

We're here with box-office

champ, Nick Lang... of the new smash,

"Smoking Gun II".

Lang spent last night

at NYU hospital...

...after a dangerous struggle

with the notorious Party Crasher.

I asked him "What was it like being

face-to-face with a real-life bad guy?"

Tammy, it wasn't a lot of fun. I kept

waiting for somebody to yell "Cut. "

The Party Crasher is still at large...

- Next time bring your keys, a**hole!

- You have a lot of explaining to do.

What is it with you

and this so-called partner?

- I can explain.

- You lied to me. He lied to me.

- He's a liar.

- Is this some kind of joke?

No. Sweetheart, it's...

It's not a joke. It's...

This thing just kinda got outta hand.

Can you sit down?

- I don't wanna sit down.

- Please. OK?

I, uh...


The way I feel about you...

...I haven't felt about

a woman in a long, long time.

So, maybe we could, uh... know, start over. I mean...

This is hard to say...

...but I've been thinking a lot about it...

...and we can't have a relationship.

Sure we can, cos I can change.

I'll try harder.

It's not that. It's not you.

You're fine.

It's what you do. It's...

It's... It's all the violence. I have spent

my life trying to run away from that.

I cannot put Bonnie in

a position where she doesn't know...

...if her father's gonna come home alive.

Yeah, I understand. Sure.

Cops are too angry, too violent.

Too risky to care about...

...until you need one.

Then we're the Second Coming, aren't we?

I understand that one all right.


- I figured it out!

- Aw, sh*t.

- The Crasher's coming here to get you.

- Nick, please.

It's the third act.

The killer tries to get revenge on the cop.

It makes it more personal.

What is this? Some kind of story

conference? This is real life, Nick.

The killer stays as far away

from the cops as possible.

Don't you get it? All right, maybe

he goes after someone close to you.

Or maybe he decapitates

your horse or boils your rabbit.

I don't have a horse or a rabbit...

...and I don't have anyone close to me.

- Susan! He's gonna try to hurt Susan.

Wrong. Susan just dumped me.

Any other bright ideas?

- Susan just dumped you?

- Didn't you just see her in the elevator?


- You didn't... pass her in the lobby?

- No.

- Hello?

- It's me. I got your girl.

- What I really want is you.

- Where are you?

I'm at the top of the world,

with your buddy, Nick Lang.

- You scumbag, where are you?

- You're the detective, you figure it out.

- Let me speak to Susan.

- She's an angel...

...but she doesn't have wings. Get it?

Oh, God. Oh, God, no!

"The top of the world

with your buddy, Nick Lang. "

- You don't have to do this, you know.

- Yeah, I know.

Susan! Grab my hand, grab my hand!

Susan! Susan!

Oh, Jesus.

Oh, God!


Grab my hand!

Yes! Come on, come on!

Oh, God!

You're not a real hero.

People need real heroes.

- Wait, wait! Hold on!

- You got me?

OK, OK. Don't let go.

Quit smoking, you little cockroach!

Come on. All right.

Hey! Hey!

- Where's Nick?

- I got him! I got him!

I'm gonna get that son of a b*tch.

Susan! Susan!

Hey, yo! Check this out, man.

John! Help!

Susan! Susan!

Oh, God. Susan!

Hang on!

Oh, God. Just hang on!

Son of a b*tch! John!

Don't let go. And don't look down.

OK. Ohh!

- I think he went to get your gun.

- I'll take care of him. You go after her.

Oh, no! John!

Ah, my shoe. Sh*t! That was a Ferragamo.

- Hurry!

- Susan!

I'm coming!



It's OK. All right, I'm coming down.

I hate these f***ing billboards.

OK. You gotta reach, Susan.

Grab my wrist.

All right. Oh, my God!

- Grab my wrist!

- Oh, my God!


Hey, a**hole!

Come on. OK, I got you.

I will kill you!

Go on, kill me! F***!

Son of a b*tch!



This isn't the movies, stupid!

Nick. Oh, God.

- John, it's OK. I'm not... I'm not shot.

- Jesus.

- If I was shot, I'd feel something, right?

- That's the way it works.

In five minutes, you'll

wish you didn't feel anything.

- Hold on. You're gonna make it.

- You were right.

- You're gonna make it. Hold on.

- I don't feel so hot all of a sudden.

Why did you come back? Why did I ever

let you up here in the first place?

I had to get the part.

It's a great part.

Do you think I woulda got it?

Yeah, pal.

I think you woulda nailed it.

Oh, man. This is too real!

Hold on, Nick.

Come on, man. Just hold on.

Oh, man. Where are they?

You're gonna make it. Just hold on.

- Is he gonna be OK?

- He's tougher than he looks.


Are you finally happy, Nick?

Answer me.

You got what you wanted. This is what you wanted.

Real bad guys. Real bullets. Real blood.

Real bad guys. Real bullets. Real blood.

You thought we were playing games, right? Well, this ain't the movies.

It's about putting your life on the line... ...knowing somewhere there's a bullet with your name on it.

Well, you found yours, you son of a b*tch.

We're not like those a**holes in the movies.

They get 17 takes to get it right. We get one... ...and it lasts our whole life.

That's my line. That's what I said to him!

- Please, man. Could you be quiet?

- It was. I said that.


This is all stuff I said to him. The son of a b*tch stole my life!

Would you shut up, Moss? We're trying to watch the end credits.

# Don't call it a comeback...

#... I been here for years

# I'm rockin' my peers puttin' suckers in fear

# Makin' the tears rain down like a monsoon

He's a lot shorter in real life, OK?

# Explosion

# Overpowerin'

# Over the competition I'm towerin'

# Wreckin' shop when I drop these lyrics

# That'll make you call the cops

# Don't you dare stare You better move

# Don't ever compare me to the rest

# That'll all get sliced and diced

# Competition's payin' the price

#I'm gonna knock you out (Huuh)

#Mama said knock you out (Huuh)

#I'm gonna knock you out (Huuh)

#Mama said knock you out (Huuh)

#I'm gonna knock you out (Huuh)

#Mama said knock you out (Huuh)

#I'm gonna knock you out (Huuh)

#Mama said knock you out (Huuh)

# Don't you call this a regular jam

# I'm gonna rock this land

# I'm gonna take this itty-bitty world by storm

# And I'm just gettin' warm

# Just like Muhammad Ali They called him Cassius

# Watch me bash this beat like a skull

# That you know I had beef with

# Why do you riff with me, the maniac psycho

# And when I pull out my jammy get ready

# Cos it might go blaw! How ya like me now?

# The ripper will not allow

# You to get with Mr Swift

# Don't riff

# Listen to my gears shift

# I'm blastin', outlastin'

# Kinda like Shaft, so you could say I'm shaftin'

# Olde English filled my mind

# And I came up with a funky rhyme

#I'm gonna knock you out (Huuh)

#Mama said knock you out (Huuh)

#I'm gonna knock you out (Huuh)

#Mama said knock you out (Huuh)

#I'm gonna knock you out (Huuh)

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Lem Dobbs

Lem Dobbs was born on December 24, 1958 in Oxford, Oxfordshire, England as Anton Lemuel Kitaj. He is a writer and producer, known for Dark City (1998), The Limey (1999) and Haywire (2011). He has been married to Dana Kraft since 1991. more…

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Submitted by JamesBond on November 17, 2021

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