The Ferryman

In ancient times,

there was the legend of the Ferryman.

He took the dead

to be judged in the afterlife,

and his prize

was a coin in their mouth.

If anyone tried to cheat death,

they'd also be cheating the Ferryman.

There could be no escape, for

the Ferryman would hunt them forever.

Turn the boat around, old man.

Take me back to land.

I beg you! I cannot!

I cannot navigate the reef in this!

To go back is insane.

I'll show you insane!

Pay me!

Forgive me!

You left me no choice.

You gave me no choice.

Forgive me!

You're wrong!

But I forgive you.

No! Please!

No!

What do you think is happening?

You think that hurts?

Not as much as this is going to hurt!

No!

You want your payment?

Here's your f***ing payment!

Here you are!

I'll never pay you!

Everyone still alive?

First time for everything, I suppose.

Oh look, they're on the field!

They think it's all over! It is now!

That there is Big Dave, your skipper.

And sadly, the love of my life.

- Me Roger Milla...

Hey, baby!

That'll do, you little pikies!

My treacle's here.

Lucky you didn't squash one of them!

I missed you! Who we got here, then?

- Big Dave!

Big by name, big by nature.

And you are? - Chris. - Howdy, Chris!

My girlfriend, Tate.

- I'm Tate. - Nice to meet you!

Look at you in your dress!

Aren't you pretty! Cracker, son!

Come here, don't be shy. - I'm Kathy.

- Nice to meet you. - This is...

Zane.

- Zane. Kiwis?

We do these tours in New Zealand,

but we never get any of you on board.

But they say you lot can fix anything.

Is that right? - Just about.

- Come on, babe, let's have you.

Don't forget your bags, this ain't

the Ritz. - Hands-on experience!

It's alright.

Six days, it said in the brochure.

- So...

Tell me, are you one of those

New Zealand tribesmen?

You know, the Maoris?

- Maori? Yes. - Really?

Go on, say something in Maori!

Wow, that's beautiful.

- Come on, pick your feet up!

Come on, get it up!

Good job,

those shoes are waterproof, mate!

But they're not coming on my boat.

What?

- Good one, Kiwi. Alright, love?

Let's make like a Catholic

and pull out.

Rolex?

Yeah, he's my watchdog.

So you behave yourself.

You kids up for some adventure?

- I'm up for anything Chris is up for.

Good.

Welcome aboard the Dionysus!

Respect her, and we'll love you

like we love her.

It's a six-day sail from here to Fiji,

and there's only water in between.

Hopefully we'll become good friends.

But don't think it's going to be

a friendly stroll in Hyde Park.

It's going to be hard work.

The only duty you won't have

is the cooking.

That belongs to Suze. If you value

your lives, stay out of the galley.

All the cooking will be done for us?

- Yeah, all the cooking.

Yes, here we go.

Yeah, Baby! - What is this?

- Music! I love this Kiwi sh*t!

Hey!

- What?

What'd you say to a little drinky?

- "Hello, drinky! Any chance?"

Right on! This is the kind

of experience I can handle.

It just so happens that we got

a special request from your man there.

So, what are we celebrating?

Come on, spit it out!

I just... I thought...

We should set off in style.

Right, okay.

Here's to good times.

- Good times! - Good times!

I'm feeling good about this, girly!

Remember:
. No fishy, no eaty!

What have you done here?

- I think I got something here.

Hey! Go, Chris!

God damn!

- You alright? - Oh God!

I got it, bro!

Take over.

- Honey, are you okay?

First aid.

You're better at dealing with this.

- This is big, Suze.

I think it's a shark.

- A shark? Wow!

Have you seen a shark before?

- No.

Excellent! We're eating shark!

Zane! Whack it with this!

Whack it with this!

Shark! Whack the f***er!

Dave, give us a hand here!

- What's the matter? You struggling?

Give us a hand!

- Do you want a hand?

Do you?

- Give us a hand.

That's how we South Londoners do it!

Get her over. - Look at this.

Here you go.

Go on, get it open.

- Me?

We're not going to eat that, are we?

- Yeah, shark's good eating.

You've not lived

until you've had shark. Open it.

There's a good boy!

- That's disgusting!

Oh, beautiful!

- Go on!

Take that, babe.

F*** me!

Looks professional.

D'you take a first aid course?

- Something like that.

She's a nurse.

Lucky for me, right honey?

Even I can stick a bandage on, Chris.

I'm sorry,

she doesn't mean to be so rude.

She's right.

I'm not much of a nurse anymore.

So...

The real question of the day:.

Where did the arm come from?

Maybe a drug deal gone wrong

with the modern-day pirates?

Nothing so exciting.

Life's cheap

on some of the smaller fishing boats.

When someone dies, most times

they throw them overboard.

Don't want to take up

valuable space in the freezer.

There's a cheery thought.

You know your way around a boat.

Grew up on one.

For a holiday you come on a boat?

- This is a yacht.

That's quite a scar you got there.

As a teenager

he got drunk and fell on a stove.

That's hideous!

Can't you do something,

Iike get surgery or something?

I could, but it's part of who I am.

If something like that happened to me,

I'd totally kill myself.

Totally kill yourself?

Cheers.

He's coming.

You have to make him pay.

It's okay, baby.

Come on, lie down. Lie down.

I'll take care of you.

I got you, babe.

We're on holiday, remember.

Morning, skip.

- Morning, son. Sleep well?

Yeah, good, mate.

Strange weather for this time of year.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes