The Dick & Paula Celebrity Special

30 min

Let's go.

Letters are fading.

Where's talent?

We have 5 seconds.

- And the letters?

- It's fine.

Did you get that in shot?

Okay, where's Hal?

I can only hold it

a few seconds.

Get the first team on set.

The letters are fading.

Come on, we gotta go!

- She looks great. Come!

- I'm ready.

- Please.

- Let's go.

Quick review, Nicole.

Get out of the

car, run across...

you see the

skywriting, "Help"...

and realise everything's

gone wrong.

It's incredible.

You had it all figured out.

And now it's all chaos.

You need to

project despair.

- We gotta go. We're losing...

- I know.

Make me feel the

whole human condition.

- You know?

- Lock it up!

Can you stop the drill

for 5 minutes?

What's that, "Help"?

- Roll camera!

- Camera's rolling.

- Speed!

- Higher.

Scene 121, take 1!


Faster, faster.

You're like a zombie!

Okay, hit the mark.

Look up.

Come on, come on.

And good, good.

Cut! We cut!

Nicole, thank you.

That was amazing.

So compelling.

Your body language, it's

so emotional, everything you do.

You get the big bucks because

you make me look great.

Camp David here.

About the ring.

Mary, here's Nicole.

- Sorry to bug you.

- Okay, pal.

- Do I sign the thing?

- Voucher.


You get a voucher?

- Did they get it?

- Let's hope.

Our wardrobe, right?

John, take this.

Where do I know you from?

I know you, right?


Chippers in So-Ho.

I waited on you.

What a great memory!

It was a couple

of months ago, right?

But I remembered your face.

And you're an actress.

I'm an extra.

A face in the crowd.

I'll get my sweatshirt.

When do you finish work?

Was that gorgeous black girl

you came with your girlfriend?

It was a guy in drag!

What are you talking about?

- Gorgeous girlfriend?

- Beautiful, whatever it was.

I was writing a

piece on transvestites...

which is why you saw my

"gorgeous girlfriend".

Well if you ever come back...

I get off around midnight.

You need a...

Excuse me, can I borrow...?

Tell me how close I am.

You're from rich parents...

you see a shrink and

you're dyslexic, right?


- That was good.

- I try.

My father's wealthy...

I do see a shrink...

and I'm insomniac,

so you're in the ballpark.

I remember you had

an amazing look.

And I thought,

"Trouble for someone."

I think I dreamt about you.

Really, I remember

your face.

Who wouldn't?

Please, sign your voucher.


- Lee!

- Excuse me.

Over here.

Sandy, you'll send the

truffles to the president, right?

Tomorrow at 7, okay?

In the park.

- Thanks.

- Here he is.


Ready for our tte--tte?


Everything in hand.

- Bill Gaines.

- How are you?

Nicole's press agent.

Please, let's not

dwell on the bulimia.

Believe me, Bill,

this is about lots of things.

You said you'd show me

where you grew up.

I did, I promised.

It's great we could do this.

Makes a big difference.

So kind of you

to show me.

This stuff makes a

lot of people nervous.

Sorry to disturb you.

This lady lived here...

as a child, years ago.

Nicole Oliver. You must know

her. Great actress.

What d'you want?

He's writing an article

about me...

and I'd like to show him

where I used to live.

Five minutes. It'd be

great for the magazine.

Come in and look around.

- I appreciate it.

- Thank you.

Look how tiny her feet are.

Like, this is

where it all began.

Did you have

feet like that, too?

Strange for you, I guess.

- It's changed, I think.

- I hope so.

It feels smaller.


That often happens.

How long have you lived here?

Never mind. Can

we go upstairs?

- Terrific.

- Whatever you want.

- Is that okay?

- She said okay.

- I don't care.

- Great. Thank you.

I had this whole wall


with movie star photos. I dreamt

about being in a movie...

with Warren Beatty.

You had nice dreams.

And I'd lie on the bed naked

and watch my body develop.


And I prayed that...

my breasts and legs

would be beautiful...

so I could be

an actress.

You cut a very

erotic figure like that.

I have to say it.

Fortunately I matured quickly.

I remember my brothers

spying on me...

in the shower, or they

rubbed up against me.

I empathise with them

totally. I really...



- Married.

- Happily?


But you have to work at it.

You have to, if you want

fidelity in a relationship.

But have you ever given

in to lust in this room...

and really let

yourself go...

in a big way?

I can't sleep

with you.

You can't, I know that.

But I had to...

The proximity is...


and irresistible.

- Not that you're not attractive.

- Very kind.

I find you very attractive.

But some things I won't do,

out of commitment.

I hear you. You

don't have to...

I only have intercourse

with my husband, Phil.

My body belongs

to my husband.

Listen, I understand...

But from the neck up,

that's another story.

After your nomination you formed

a production company, right?

Right. You have to develop

your own projects.

You can't imagine the

amount of crap I get sent.

Plus, I'd really like

to direct one day.

Really? Well,

I don't want to be pushy...

but I've got a screenplay

I've written...

and today I thought

it might be...

you know, perfect

for you.

Really. Right now

it's written for a man...

but it could easily be

rewritten for a woman.

What's it about?

An armoured car robbery,

but with a personal crisis.

- Who would I play?

- One of the guards.

It needs a rewrite, with

a feminist statement.

I know you're politically active...

and I think it could

work so well.

I've been working

on it for a year...

and I can't progress

unless a star is involved.

And someone like you, it'd be...

Have you given it to

any actors?

Yeah, but their agents reject

it before they see it...

because I have no track

record as a screenwriter...

although the script gets a

terrific reaction.

- Let me think about it.

- Really?

Great, because I don't want to...

- But I think you'd enjoy it.

- Let me think about it.


He's coming!

Come this way!

Come this way, everyone!

It's him. Come on.

We watch you every

Sunday on TV!

We wouldn't miss it

for the world!

Good to see you.

- Will you stay long?

- As long as I can.

Father Gladden is

our guest, from the TV.

Father, my daughter got a prize

at school for charity work.

She'd love to have

your autograph.

Entrance into the

Kingdom of God...

is determined by our response

to the neighbour in need.

I don't know what I'm doing here.

Relax, I was the

same at first.

My room's so spare.

And with a Bible!

And the water comes out brown.

I told the handyman. Really,

I know what you're going through.

When my husband went off

with his secretary, I was lost.

Someone said,

"You were raised a Catholic.

How could you consider a hit man?"

And I heard about this retreat.

- But I'm not religious.

- Nor am I.

My life, religious? I've had

two divorces and two abortions.

But to take a break from

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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