The Deported Trailor: The Spoof Trailor of the Departed

Genre: Comedy, Short
Director(s): Tanner Beard

I don't wanna be a product

of my environment.

I want my environment

to be a product of me.

Years ago, we had the Church.

That was only a way

of saying we had each other.

But now, I don't know.

It's a funny thing.

It put hate in your heart.

The Knights of Columbus were

real head-breakers.

True guineas.

They took over their piece of the city.

Twenty years after an Irishman couldn't get

a fucking job...

...we had the presidency.

May he rest in peace.

That's what the niggers don't realize.

If I got one thing

against the black chappies, it's this:

No one gives it to you.

You have to take it.

Vin, don't make me have

to come down here again for this.

Won't happen again, Mr. C.

Carmen's deveIoping

into a fine young Iady.

You shouId be proud.

You get your period yet, Carmen?

You Johnny SuIIivan's kid?

-You Iive with your grandmother?


Vin, get him a coupIe Ioaves of bread,

coupIe haIf-gaIIons of miIk.

Do you Iike boIogna and cheese?

Give him some coId cuts.

Throw some mayo in.

You Iike comic books?

You do good in schooI?


-That's good. I did too.

They caII that a paradox.

Just keep it. Buy yourseIf some makeup.

You ever wanna earn a IittIe extra money,

you come by L Street.

You know where I am on L Street?


-Good boy.


To you, O Lord, we commend the souI

of AIphonsus, your servant.

In the sight of this worId,

he is now dead.

Forgive whatever sins he committed

through human weakness.


-The Church wants you in your place.

KneeI, stand, kneeI, stand.

If you go for that sort of thing,

I don't know what to do for you.

A man makes his own way.

No one gives it to you.

You have to take it.

-James Joyce.

-Smart, CoIin.

Guineas from the North End,

down Providence...

...tried to teII me what to do.

And something maybe happened to them.

Maybe Iike that:

Jeez. She feII funny.

Francis, you reaIIy shouId see somebody.

When you decide to be something,

you can be it.

That's what they don't teII you

in the Church.

When I was your age, they wouId say

we couId become cops or criminaIs.

Today what I'm saying to you is this:

When you're facing a Ioaded gun...

...what's the difference?

That's my boy.

TerminaI baIIistics is the study

of a projectiIe... it hits a target

and the destruction that it causes.

Take, for instance, what you carry,

When the hoIIow-point hits the skuII,

what happens is it mushrooms.

When it mushrooms it peels back.

So you may have six, eight...

...ten IittIe particIes

of the buIIet that are Iike razor bIades--

Sir, yes, sir!

--tearing their internal organs,

their liver, their lungs, their heart...

...bringing tissue, bone, bIood,

brain matter, and that's caIIed a bIowback.

F*ck you. Fucking queers.

Firemen getting pussy for the first time

in the history of fire or pussy.

Hey, go save a kitten in a tree,

you fucking homos.



What are you Iooking at?

Forget it.

Your father was a janitor,

his son's onIy a cop.

Those fucking firefighters are

a bunch of homos.

They are.

So she teIIs me, ''You never finish anything.

You finish the poIice course... get taken care of again, baby.''

So after graduation, I get a bIowjob again.

That's great.

Your mother must be a wonderfuI woman.

F*ck yourseIf.

Put it this way.

You're a bIack guy in Boston.

You don't need any heIp from me

to be compIeteIy fucked.

The Massachusetts State PoIice

has a Iong tradition of exceIIence.

Your graduation today soIidifies

your acceptance...

...into one of the finest Iaw enforcement

agencies in our nation.

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Submitted on August 05, 2018


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"The Deported Trailor: The Spoof Trailor of the Departed" STANDS4 LLC, 2020. Web. 28 May 2020. <>.

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