The Curse of the Jade Scorpion

Synopsis: CW Briggs is a veteran insurance investigator, with many successes. Betty Ann Fitzgerald is a new employee in the company he works for, with the task of reorganizing the office. They don't like each other - or at least that's what they think. During a night out with the rest of the office employees, they go to watch Voltan, a magician who secretly hypnotizes both of them, in order to use them for his dirty schemes. The next evening already, Briggs makes his first robbery, and when he wakes up in the morning he has no memory of it. Things get really complicated when he starts investigating the case. Will he be able to uncover... himself?
Genre: Comedy, Crime, Mystery
Director(s): Woody Allen
Production: Dreamworks
  1 win & 1 nomination.
Rotten Tomatoes:
103 min

Look. This is a big claim. The cops

want to nail the guy who stole it too.

The difference is we have to make good

the 30, 000 bucks. They don't.

To them it's another heist.

Or, has the owner stashed it

away someplace,

and is she trying to defraud us

out of a lot of money?

If you have large sums

of cash around the house,

we would insist on certain

alarm and security precautions,

which my supervisor

would have to approve.

What we usually do in a case like this

is handle the installation ourselves.

Sweetheart, can I get you?

John, can I bother you for a minute?

- I haven't had lunch yet.

- What do you want?

Let me have a cherry cheesecake, a prune

Danish and a couple of Hershey bars.

And I should have something sweet. Let

me have some chocolate-covered raisins.

- I found the missing Picasso.

- I don't believe it.

I-- It's at Galaxy Opticals.

They cut the thing out of the frame.

They rolled the canvas up,

and it's in one of the telescopes.

- How'd you figure it out?

- It wasn't easy.

I'm supposed to be looking

for a picture of a woman with a guitar.

But it's all little cubes.

It took me two hours to find the nose.

- You should call the cops.

- Yeah, right away.

Would you excuse me?

Rosie, would you get me the fingerprints

on the Leland claim?

- Who won the sixth race at Aqueduct?

- Your horse came in seventh.

Seventh? Never bet on a horse

who has Parkinson's.

Congratulations. I heard

you recovered the stolen Picasso.

- Yeah, congrats on the art burglary.

- It was a breeze.

C.W., I brought you something

till your order gets here.

Thank you.

You want to be my date tonight?

- What's tonight?

- George's birthday.

- We're taking George out.

- All right. I'd love to.

But you have to have me home

and in bed by midnight.

That's exactly what I was planning.

[Man] My God, that girl's got

a body that won't quit.

Quit? It won't take

five minutes off for a coffee break.

- Oh, Briggsie, I forgot to tell ya.

- What?

- Hey, where are my-- Rosie!

- What?

- Where are my files? Where's my files?

- They're moved.

- What do you mean moved?

- They're all moved.

- Why?

- They're streamlining.

- This is Fitzgerald?

- Who else?

Did you take the files

out of my office?

Would you like to go out and try

coming back in like a human being?

- Did you move my files?

- if you don't like the human

idea, come in like an orangutan.

- That would be a step up too.

- Put them back... now-- this instant.

You knew we were

rearranging this floor.

Take my files--

Put them back in my office now.

You had plenty of time

to transfer them yourself.

Fitzgerald, if you were a man,

I would slam you in the teeth.

If I was a man,

you'd be hiding under the desk.

- This is what you do

- when I give you an order?

- Give me an order? You?

Who do you think I am,

some peroxide little stenographer...

with her brains in her sweater

whose rear end you pinch?

Pinch it?

I couldn't get my arms around it.

I don't take orders from you.

I work directly for Mr. Magruder.

We're in the process

of turning this place around.

I've been working here 20 years.

You're here six months.

I'm not interested in

your ideas about turning--

Get my files. Put 'em back now.

- Or what?

- "Or what?"

This is the question

you ask me? "Or what?"

"Or what?"

Are you saying "or what" to me?

If you don't get off my toe,

you're going to be singing

castrati with a glee club.

I... hated you, Fitzgerald, from

the day you set foot into this office.

You'd hate any woman who doesn't have

a double-digit I. Q

I'm a good judge of character.

I hate you, and I hate the chancellor

of Germany...

with the little mustache,

but not in that order.

Be careful when you leave.

Don't let the door hit you on the back

and fracture your pelvis.

So, did you tell her who's boss?

Is she kiddin',

talkin' to me like that?

It's 'cause she thinks she's smarter.

'Cause she graduated from Vassar,

and I went to driving school.

Does she have any idea

how many cases I cracked here?

Never trust a woman who

whistles for her own cabs.


Excuse me. Miss Fitzgerald?

- Is that Miss Fitzgerald's lunch?

- Mm-hmm.

- Sorry we're so late. We're jammed up.

- That's okay.

- Here. Keep that. It's for you.

- Thanks.

This is Fitzgerald's lunch.

She's been waiting a long time for it.

I'll deliver it to her.

You got to come to some terms with this

woman. This thing is only gettin' worse.

What do we need an efficiency expert

here for?

When the old man was here,

this never could have happened.

Thought you were gonna take her out

for a drink, clear the air.

I did. I took her two weeks ago

to Rocky's Bar.

You and Fitzgerald at Rocky's Bar?

## [Piano ]

## [Piano ]

- Sorry I'm late.

- No problem. It's just

an hour and 15 minutes.

- My meeting ran long.

- I-- I understand.

We're revamping the offices, getting rid

of that antiquated filing system.

Yes? I can find anything I need.

I can locate it like that. I got a feel

for where all the stuffis in my office.

We're making a central data file on the

second floor. You'll get used to it.

What's the matter?

You look flushed.

No, I'm just--

I'm just a little warm. That's all.

You have all your

business meetings here?

It's near the office. The coat check

girl's pretty. don't you like it?

No, it's fine. Gives new meaning

to the word "dive, " but it's convenient.

I- I thought you'd appreciate

the thick smoke. You don't

have to put on as much makeup.

- [Man] What's the lady havin'?

- Tequila.

Hmm. Tsk.

So, um--

Betty-- Betty Ann--

Um, c-can-- s-should I call you--

I can call you Miss Fitzgerald,

which is fine with me.

I have no problem with that.

I-- I--

Tell me about yourself.

- Myself?

- Your hopes, your dreams, you know.

You married?

I mean, obviously you're not married,

'cause then it would not be Miss

Fitzgerald, so you have a boyfriend?

Is this why you got me here?

I just, um-- So--

What is your life like?

I mean, do you have any hobbies?

- I have a meeting in 15 minutes, so--

- I-I-I-I--

Not-- I didn't mean to ask

about your marital status.

That's none of my business. Maybe

you're-- It's a touchy point with you.

You're possibly divorced or widowed.

Maybe your husband committed suicide.

I could understand that.

Mr. Magruder hired me to streamline

the office, and I'm going to.

But if something is not broken, you know

what I say? I say, why fix it?

There's a reason North Coast has slipped

from the top five insurance companies.

There's an enormous amount

of waste and duplication.

Yeah, not-- not in my department.

There's not a single department

that couldn't be run more

efficiently or economically.

I'm not even sure North Coast

wouldn't be better off not carrying...

an investigative division and just

farming out each case privately.

[ Stammers ]

Would it be possible to meet at some

point and have a drink and discuss that?

- We are having a drink.

Rate this script:3.0 / 2 votes

Woody Allen

Heywood "Woody" Allen is an American actor, comedian, filmmaker, and playwright, whose career spans more than six decades. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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