The Con Is On

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1

[bells tolling]

[footsteps]

[organ music playing]

[footsteps]

[organ music ends]

What the f***

you doin' here?

Where's Irina?

She sent me instead.

Let's look at the package.

Give this to Irina,

and don't f*** it up.

[liquid sloshing in mixing cup]

It's about f***in' time.

Where the hell you been?

- I was at church.

- Oh.

- Hello, darling.

- Hello, darling.

How'd it go?

- [woman] Hmm.

- [man] Ooh.

I see it went well.

- Irina will be pleased.

- Very.

- Fancy a bump?

- Just a tiny one.

Maybe I'll borrow a little cash.

Irina won't miss a grand or two.

[liquid pouring]

May I?

[orchestral music playing]

[clattering]

[gunshot]

[beads clattering]

[cash register rings]

[music ends]

[woman] Psst!

- Psst!

- [sipping]

- Psst!

- Ahh...

Psst!

Psst!

Hi there, handsome.

What's your name, sexy?

F*** off.

All right, mate.

All right, mate.

- Oi, Harry.

- [moans]

- [sighs] Have we landed?

- No, we haven't f***in' landed.

I'm being accosted

by a tanning booth.

This flight's

a f***in' nightmare.

I've been abused,

and I've paid for the privilege.

Why do we have to go

to Los Angeles?

It's the safest place

we could possibly be.

I mean, she'll be looking for us

in every hotel bar in London.

Oh, she'll do.

She'll hunt us down.

She'll find us.

She'll torture us.

Me first.

She's never liked me

for some reason.

Here. Take this.

You'll feel much better.

- [man] What was that?

- I don't know.

- Xanax, possibly.

- Oh, right.

[slow guitar music]

[man]

Los Angeles is horrible.

It's like a theme park

built on a fault line.

Shh!

No, no.

[chuckles] Right.

Bye, love.

Oh, yeah,

who was that then?

Now, darling,

don't get upset.

It was Sidney, wasn't it?

I might have known.

- He's an old friend.

- He's an evil old pederast.

[man] If we're gonna see Sidney,

I need a f***in' drink.

I'm as dry

as a schoolgirl's knickers.

[bell tolling]

Once again,

I'm being asked to prostitute myself

for the sake of a criminal venture.

All I'm asking is that you take

one for the team, all right?

It's your own fault for being

so bloody beautiful, isn't it?

- Here. Take this.

- I already took one.

- Take another one.

- All right.

And take one of these.

All right.

[organ music playing]

Go in peace, my child.

[footsteps echoing]

[chuckling]

- Well, well, let me drink you in.

- [Harry] Sidney.

My dear, dear Harry.

And, my own boy.

[chuckles] Oh, my. Haven't

we been filling out, hmm?

When I think back to how scrawny

you were when we first met.

Like a little bird, a fledgling.

And now, look at you.

Proud cock.

I do hope you've forgiven

your Uncle Sidney

for that little mishap

in Turkey?

I couldn't bear to think of you

being angry with me.

Of course he's forgiven you.

It was only for a few months.

I can't even imagine the horrors you

were subjected to in that sordid jail.

I want you to tell me all about it.

Every little detail, hmm?

All the ins and outs.

[Harry]

Sidney? We need a word.

Yes. This way, my pets.

- [Harry] He's new.

- Yes, the last one split.

[Sidney] You know, I don't think I've seen

you since Istanbul. It's been an age.

What have you been doing

with yourself?

Well, you know,

this and that.

Import, export.

A little poker. How are you?

Oh, much the same.

Still battling

this interminable ennui.

You know, life is simply

insupportable without you, Harry.

- Well, I'm back.

- So I see.

- Staying with us long, I hope?

- F***, no.

- That depends.

- [knock on door]

[door opens]

- A package has arrived.

- Thank you, Kim Kim.

Sidney...

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