The Charge of the Light Brigade

Draw...

...swords.

11th Hussars present and ready

for your inspection, my lord.

I do not propose to recount my life

in any detail what is what.

No damn business of anyone what is what.

I am Lord Cardigan. That is what.

Them Cherrybums, you see them tight,

I keep them tight.

10,000 a year out of my own pocket

I spend to clothe them.

A master cutler sharps their swords,

and I keep them tight-stitched...

... cut to a shadow. Good.

If they can't fornicate, they can't fight...

... and if they don't fight hard,

I'll flog their backs raw...

... for all their fine looks.

Nolan. It's Nolan.

There. Lewis!

Nolan!

He's seen us.

I've not seen him for years,

and yet it will be like yesterday.

I hope I can love him as you do.

Dear friend!

- This is Clarissa?

- This is my dear Clarissa.

I've landed two days.

We were handed letters at Aden.

You do scribble a lot, William.

Still, dear friend, I'm here.

I am gazetted to the 11th Hussars,

you know that.

My brother is to join the 11th Hussars,

Capt. Nolan.

I'm playing the spy in Mufti.

I've not joined yet, so I took

the opportunity of a spy's eye at them.

Are they good, William?

They look good.

Cardigan has them looking good.

Yes, the mounts do look pretty dressed up.

Still...

...it is good to see you both,

and here of all places.

It is good.

England is looking well.

- Fanny!

- Clarissa!

Ladies and gentlemen, I am sure

you will all be very glad to join with me...

...in wishing the young couple long life...

...happiness,

and all that they wish themselves.

Hear, hear.

The bride and bridegroom.

Young men of London,

fall in and follow me, boys.

If you would not be starved

by cruel masters...

...if you would not be ruled by anyone

except the Queen, God bless her...

...but who do have the urge to seek wealth,

fine clothes, and glory...

...you can do no better than to enlist...

...for the 11th Regiment of Hussars.

Culloden. Flanders. Salamanca. Waterloo.

An escort to Prince Albert

on the occasion of his wedding...

...after which he called us his own.

God bless him.

Our dress is bright and warm.

Our mounts is mastered and mannered,

gentle in ride and calm in battle.

Our officers just whisper.

They being of the opinion, like myself...

...that more can be done glorious

by leading from the front...

...than can ever be brought off by prods

up the arse from the rear.

Hold your head up, sir.

I believe you would look a rare treat

in stable dress.

- Are you respectable?

- I've often thought of enlisting.

I thought you had,

by the fine way you carry yourself.

I'm a bad character, just out of jail.

In that case,

you've already served Her Majesty.

Lord Cardigan's Cherrybums, follow me.

Keep yourselves clean, that's important.

You'll never want for money,

and the glitter of a Hussar...

...is something I've seen the gay ladies

pearling their eyes after.

Be obedient, be clean.

What is a pitfall is drink.

That will not concern me,

for I do not drink.

What will concern you is, you'll never

speak to an officer in that manner again.

Attention!

Scrub the scum clean.

Old Swaddy will settle you into your troop,

show you the way of it.

Bossing your kit and being clean.

Right, strip off.

- What is the condition of them?

- They're all wobbly-boned.

Recruits in England are mostly wobbly

and bad-formed.

There is no such thing as a wobbly officer.

What you sergeants

never seem to understand...

...is the state of responsibility

that an officer is in.

They worry. They hardly never wobble.

There is no place happier

than a cavalry mess.

If one is a stupid,

inconsiderate and lazy man...

... one can fit as a round peg

into a snug round hole.

At times I am so pent up with their languor

I could grab of two of them...

... and bang their noddles together

till their doodles drop off.

I'm Codrington. I've come to join.

- Come to join, young fellow?

- Yes. Fond of riding are you?

- He's as green as grass.

- Or soon will be.

A fine growed-up fellow, though,

with very neat feet.

Rupert.

You're a madman, sir.

And you are on your arse, sir.

I'm thirsty.

It's the salt from the mutton.

- Have you got no money?

- I have none.

- In your clothes.

- It was...

- I did have money in my clothes.

- Did you?

I'm out for a wet, a drop of beer.

Pongelow is the drink, they call it.

"How d'you think I paid her?

I met her in the barracks yard...

"... and gently down I laid her."

Private Metcalfe, for the wives.

Get back in there.

Lady Scarlett is giving a ball.

- Capt. Nolan.

- Lewis, how do you do?

Clarissa, Mrs. Morris,

it is wonderful to have you back...

...you both back, it is wonderful. Come on.

I danced as a boy on the eve of Waterloo.

- There was a war.

- That was a war.

I don't think I belong, Duberly.

I'm sure I do. Oh, I'm sure you do.

I'm more a scientific poet.

- Scarlett.

- My lord.

All this swish and tit

gets me sniffing nose up.

I shall have to fetch it off tonight, Squire.

Had me Cherrybums out today,

always makes me randified.

Duberly says he is despised by his officers

and feared by his men.

Duberly says the 11th

have become a laughing stock...

... for the shortness of their jackets

and the tightness of their britches.

He says it is wicked, he commands

over the heads of gifted officers...

... when he is such a blockhead.

They tell me that her pitcher has been

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