The Brand New Testament

Synopsis: God lives in human form as a cynical writer with his young opinionated daughter in present-day Brussels, Belgium. She concludes that her dad is doing a terrible job and decides to rewrite the world, descending to earth in search of her own 6 messengers to write a brand new testament and change the status quo.
Genre: Comedy, Fantasy
Director(s): Jaco Van Dormael
Production: Music Box Films
  Nominated for 1 Golden Globe. Another 11 wins & 15 nominations.
Rotten Tomatoes:
114 min

In the beginning

you don't know it's the beginning;

that things are just starting.

Then all of a sudden they're off.

Things become altogether

different than you thought.

At first there were only

twelve apostles.

That was before I found my six apostles.

Before the world got better.

I should tell you the story from the

beginning, when I still lived with my parents.


TESTAMEN God exists. He lives in Brussels.

He's an asshole. He's horrible

to his wife and daughter.

There's a lot of talk about his son,

but very little about his daughter.

His daughter is me.

That is my father. He's God.

Even before the creation of the world

my father was already bored.

So, he made Brussels.


- Voila.

He'd made a few things;

a few other creations,

but they didn't work out.

Something's not right.

So, he created man in his image.

With him, he could do as he pleased.

Ah, much better! Much better.

Enoch begat Irad.

Irad begat Mehujael.

Mehujael begat Metuskael

Metuskael begat Lamech.

Et cetera, et cetera...

That's when it all started.

He set one against the other.

In his name.

For God!

For Allah!

For Baal!

Voila, now you know exactly

how it came about.

That's me. I'm called Ea.

This is where I was born,

and where I was stuck for ten years.

It has no entrance

and no exit.

Three room apartment,

fully equipped kitchen and laundry.

And my father's office,

where no one is allowed.

It's forbidden to watch anything

but sports on TV.

This is my mother, a pitiful woman,

100% certified browbeaten.

She never says anything.

When she's not embroidering flowers,

she looks at her baseball card collection.

...and that makes eighteen.

It's complete.

Ea, we eat at the table

and as a family.

Do as you're told!

You're in MY house, here!

What? I'm your father.

Put that fourth plate away,

it won't bring him back.

You never know.

Not at my right hand.

I told you before, it bugs me.

Stop that.

Stop! You're not your brother.

Just because you can't do it...

Because I don't need to be able to.

My father lived in a crappy place,

which he never left.

He had a crappy life,

had never loved his wife

and couldn't make things

with his hands.

SILENCE! I'm working!

He needed something to relax

and forget all that.

That's when he got

the idea of humanity:

All his toys, that he could

watch suffer and struggle.

A lot of misery and a little

happiness, to give them false hope.

It took him 8 years, but

after all, it worked pretty well.

My father attained a certain

degree of virtuosity.

Since then, he spent his days

inventing new Laws of

Universal Pain-in-the-assness.

I need to formulate this right.

Law 2127:

The quantity of sleep, needed,

is always ten more minutes.

Law 2129:

When a body is submerged in a bathtub

the telephone rings.


A slice of bread always falls

jam side down,

otherwise the jam is on

the wrong side.

Law 2126:
dishes never break

until after they've been washed.

Law 2218:

The next line always moves faster.

Law 2231:

pains in the ass

never come one at a time.

Why are you looking at me like that?

Lower your eyes.

It's disgusting what you do to people.


You don't even know them, you just

amuse yourself by harming them.

- You've been in my office?

- Anybody could do better.

I've forbidden you to go in my office.

- You got nothing to say to me.

- C'mere!

See what I have to say to you? Look!

See how furious you make me, huh?

That's no good!

Just at that moment I decided

to do something.

Maybe ten years, is the limit

of what one can put up with, I dunno.

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    "The Brand New Testament" STANDS4 LLC, 2020. Web. 31 Oct. 2020. <>.

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