The Blackout

1

[no sound]

[music starts]

[ Dirt/Nap - Light the Way]

Eddie.

Good morning, sunshine.

Who is that?

No, no no no no no...

Babe, the sexiest thing

I could've done

is check her pulse.

Jenny. Jenny. Jenny, come on.

Just clam down.

Give me a second

to smoke a bowl,

and figure out what the hell

happened last night.

I can't do this anymore, Eddie.

Don't. The band's

signing papers.

We're going on tour today.

Yeah. All the more reason

we should cut our losses.

Nothing happened in there.

I swear.

Don't f***ing text me,

don't f***ing call me,

don't even tweet about me,

just don't even think about me.

Facebook?

[slaps]

Jenny, come on. Jenny!

This is all just a

misunderstanding.

[music plays]

Oh my god.

Jesus.

[birds chirping]

Hmm...

[peeing]

[sighs]

[stops peeing]

[sighs]

Well, this can't get any worse.

[guitar music plays]

[bottle clinking]

[dramatic sound]

Toss?

[drum]

Hey Toss. Hey buddy.

Toss! Come on, buddy.

Hey man, Toss!

No, no, no.

No!

[Toss throws up loudly]

I thought you are dead.

Oh. You mean I'm not?

What did we do last night?

Oh...

[exhales]

I'll tell you what we didn't do.

[exhales]

[throws up loudly again]

[in disgust]

Oh...

Enough for coke.

Sh*t got a little out of hand

last night.

AIDS,

got a little out of hand

compared to what happened here.

Dude, I can't remember

anything.

At some point,

triple jumped the line between

award show drunk and

Hasslehoff.

[laughs]

Oh...

[in disgust]

Who took a sh*t in your mouth?

Chas.

Who else?

F***ing a**hole.

[spits]

Jenny broke up with me.

Oh cool.

No.

Not cool.

Chas f***ed this stripper in my

room last night,

Jenny walked in, and just

assumed...

You hit that?

-What?

No!

You should've woke her with

wood,

she would've thought you were

Chas, right?

You want Chas' sloppy seconds?

[sighs]

Can't get more Herpes.

That's not true.

[guitar notes]

Last thing I remember is,

dinner.

I don't remember,

the last thing I remember.

[exhales heavily]

Wow, uh-uhn.

You know, my back hurts,

from carrying you every time we

try to have fun.

[ascends noises]

...what you want me to do.

If you are hungry,

eat.

They wouldn't wait for you.

That's my f***ing point, Toss.

[whips]

Why are you looking at them?

I don't know.

Why are you making such a big

deal out of nothing?

As usual.

Ahh!!

[angry]

[sighs]

Well,

that was a little more heated

than usual.

Yeah, she must be ride on the

cotton pony.

Why do you always assume...

-Shush...

Alright, let's not take your

frustrations

on my girl.

She was about to side with her

even though you both know that

she's

[loudly]

bat sh*t crazy!

I was simply trying to...

-Shut!

Up!

-Hey!

That's enough, man.

No, it's fine.

I'm just gonna check on Beth.

-I'm sorry.

Toss!

Treat my girl with some respect,

man.

[inaudible conversation]

It's about f***ing time.

Dinner's been over for an hour.

But dig in, boys.

We were at Crazy Girls

with b*obs. Now we're here.

Did I ever tell you about

the time I was

balls deep in the two hole

of this little Asian bird

right here on this very table?

What was his name?

Ha ha ha.

Forgive us. Most of your stories

start that way.

That is because I have a

pornographic

memory, my friend.

Chas, nobody wants to hear

about your sexual...

Disappointments.

[laughs]

Speak for yourselves.

I love hearing this stuff.

It's hot, very sexy.

Sometimes I jerk off.

[chuckles]

What? I'm lonely.

All right,

you know what?

Why don't we put this to a vote?

How many people here,

actually,

want to hear this bullshit?

Show hands.

Great! Now we don't have to

hear about

your quest to defile a girl

in every room of this house.

Not fair.

Birds can't vote.

Go f*** yourself, Chas.

I already have.

But you know, I've got just

enough juice

left to get that last room.

-Oh,

there's a reason,

why it's the last room.

I'll get in.

I always do.

I bet you say that

to all the boys.

If I were you,

I will choose my next word very

carefully, my friend.

Because I can do worse than

what everyone hears

through your walls and their

nightmares.

Well, I think we all know

you can do better.

[scoffs]

Right?

Is that a joke?

Listen, if I'm fully drunk,

and she's half attractive,

then she's fully attractive.

You know, if Heath Ledger did

that kind of math,

then he'd still be alive.

[laughs]

Gees!

[bottle smashing]

Was he gonna do math...

Just somebody call a punch

before I do.

Easy, love.

We just having a spot of fun.

-Yeah, fun.

Anyone having a blast?

You know, I think we all be a

little bit off spirit tonight.

How you ladies doing?

Em, time of my f***ing life.

Kinda night you just wanna wrap

your lips around cold steel.

Is she going on tour with us?

I would, but you'd will there,

so...

-So,

great.

This might be fun after all.

-Chas.

You've been a dick ever since I

decided to sleep

the guitarist instead of you.

-God...

Love,

I've always been a dick.

And you see, the thing about

d*cks,

is that they attract p*ssy.

And the biggest dick,

gets the most p*ssy.

And let's face it.

You've never seen a bigger dick

than this,

and poor little Eddie here,

I mean, he's the rhythm guitar.

Chas.

-What?

For the love of god,

I'll super glue your cock your

taint.

Again.

Well, I think it's time to

powder my nose.

Wait, you got coke?

Too soon?

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