Sticks & Stones

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- There are but a

handful of individuals

in this world whom I would

consider to have been touched

by whomever does the touching.

Albert Einstein, Thomas

Jefferson, Sir Isaac Newton,

and Joseph Patrick Finley,

sometimes known as "Cy,"

after the late, great Cy Young.

Who is Joseph Patrick

Finley, you wonder,

besides the son of Doctors

Archibald and Catherine Finley,

besides the finest friend

a friend could have?

Nobody special, at

least not in his eyes,

which is good in one way and

a problem in many others.

Suffice it to say, his

is a curious case.

- Watch your step, cockroach.

- 15, 16, 17, 18.

56, 57,

58, 59, 60.

Sixty feet, six inches.

- Man, I was doing 120, easy.

Easy.

Man, me and that ball

were neck and neck.

- Look, it is scientifically

impossible for that bike

to do 120 miles per hour.

- Then 100.

Then I'm right.

- You're never right.

Air confuses you.

- Probably more like 30, man.

- More like 90.

- The ball, maybe.

But not the bike.

- So what do you think Cy's

rookie card will be worth, huh?

- Forget the card, that's

chump change, man.

It's the arm.

What do you think that

cannon will be worth?

10, 15 mil a year?

- And that's not including

endorsements or bonuses.

Innings pitched,

strikeouts, E.R.A.,

all-star team appearances,

and the Cy Young award.

Factoring in inflation,

it'll probably be,

hm, 15 to 20 mil a year by then.

- Quit dreamin'.

- Start dreamin'.

And I'm gonna be your catcher.

- I'm gonna be your

slime-bucket agent.

What am I gonna do

with all that green?

Spend it fast.

- What are you doing?

- Check out the

first ingredient.

- Alcohol.

SD alcohol 38-B.

Are you kidding?

- Go ahead, it's a good buzz.

- You were born with a buzz.

- You can't get drunk

off this crap.

- It takes the edge off.

- Mouth, you are one

scary human being.

- Not half as scary

as you, Gump.

What's with the umbrella?

It's hot enough to grow a

cactus out of your butt.

- My mom said it was gonna rain.

- Oh, really?

And what'd she say

about the sky falling

and Chicken Little?

- It is supposed to rain, Mouth.

That's what the forecast said.

We'll be lucky if we make it

to tryouts this afternoon.

- We'll get to try out.

- We better.

- We will.

- Sh*t.

He's in our strike zone.

- Where you goin'?

- Other side of the school.

- It sucks over there,

and you know it.

- Come on, Mouth.

He won't be there later.

- And if he is?

- Other side of the school.

- And the next day?

- Other side of the

freakin' school.

- You're chicken-size chicken.

- It's got nothing

to do with that.

- Yeah, it's gotta

do with something

that you've never

heard of:
range.

And I quote, "He who

fights and runs away",

"lives to fight another day."

- And I quote, "He who fights

and runs away is a p*ssy."

What about your pride?

- I've got pride

in other things.

- Like what?

Hayes doesn't give

a sh*t about us.

It's a mind game, and we're

playing right into it.

I'm sure if we ask him

to move, he'll move.

- Yeah, right after

he slits your throat.

- Then I'll slit his back.

- You really are a frightening

human being, Mouth.

- Strike him out!

Sh*t!

- Let's go to tryouts!

- Slow down, gentlemen.

It's gonna be awesome.

- Traveling in the team bus.

- Going to road games.

- Hanging with the guys.

- Spittin' seeds.

- Chewin' tobacco.

- Night games.

- Gettin' laid!

- You wish!

- Psh, just 'cause you

can't even see yours.

- You're an a**hole.

- Do I irritate you?

Do I noseate you?

Do I disarm you?

- Hey! Hey, where is everyone?

- Hey, where are the tryouts?

- Thursday afternoon.

But uh, we already

got our bat boys.

- And mascot.

Come on, Baker, get

over the plate!

- What happened to the tryouts

for the 13 and 14 year olds?

- Canceled.

- Budget cuts.

- Yeah, diapers got

too expensive.

- Very funny.

- So how come no one told us?

- Why should they?

- 'Cause we walk

upright, that's why.

- Sorry, kids.

Them's the breaks.

- Them's the breaks.

Why is it always just the

little guys who lose out, huh?

What are we, invisible?

We don't count?

- Yup.

- Do you think we like

being the them's-the-breaks

generation?

You think we like having

no choice in the matter?

- Yup.

- So, you don't think we

like playing baseball

as much as you do.

Who decides?

Who makes the rules?

Who makes the budget cuts?

Why us?

Why not you guys?

- Because we can play the game.

You diseases, you're still

trying to figure out

how to throw the

ball over the plate

without having it

bounce a few times.

- Is that so?

Well, you just practice up,

because come Thursday afternoon,

my friend over there is going

to blow the ball right by you.

Laugh.

He throws so hard,

he'll make you look like a

ballerina in a hailstorm.

- That little twerp?

Tell you what,

why don't you go home and nurse?

- Ah, blow me!

- Whip it out.

- You got a forklift?

- I'll see you Thursday.

- No way in Hell, Book.

I'm not trying out.

- You have to.

- I don't have to.

Reason number one,

I'm not half good enough

to play on that team.

And reason number two...

- You're an idiot.

- Reason number two,

we all play together or

we don't play at all.

And reason number three...

- You're an idiot's idiot.

- Reason number three through

one thousand, my brother!

My brother's gonna

be on that team,

and if he so much as finds

out we were on that field,

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