Steve Rannazzisi: Breaking Dad

Synopsis: this guy talks for a while.
Genre: Comedy
Director(s): Jeff Tomsic
70 min


Focus. Relax.

Focus. Come on.

Nothing else is bothering you.

There's no one else here.

[hard rock music]

[baby crying]

Mommy, I'm peeing!

Just you and the audience.

Hot wife

or supportive wife?

I just have to concentrate.

- Whatever.

- Here we go, buddy.

It's go time.


All right.

How about a "good luck"?

What do you think?



Oh, you're evil.


Ladies and gentlemen,

please help me welcome

the one and only

Mr. Steve Rannazzisi!

[cheers and applause]

Thank you very much, Boston.

Thank you very, very, very much.

How's everybody doing up there?

You guys good?



Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you guys very much.

Thank you.

Thanks for coming out.

Lot of couples

I see in the front row.

Date-night people.

Weekend date nights.

You guys are pros.

Good job.

You did it right.

You got dressed up.

You took her out on a weekend.

Probably sweating right now,

wishing you were at home.

But you did the right thing.

You're professionals.

Weekday date-night people,

those are the couples

that I like to hang out with.

You get to see the greatest

couples in the world

on the weekdays,

couples who hate each other.

The old, grizzled veterans.

I love it.

It's my favorite thing to do.

I just watch them.

They just sit there

and stare at each other like,

"Oh. Isn't this great?

I love you."

Now modern technology's

changed that, though.

Now they have, like,

other things to do.

Like, the waiter will come over,

take their order,

then walk away.

He pulls out his phone.

He starts playingCandy Crush

with the sound on.

She's gotFifty Shades of Grey

on an e-book, reading it.

She's, "Mm,

this is interesting."

We had a date night

not too long ago.

It was a great,

great date night.

Great dinner.

Good conversation.

Went home. We were

having sex with each other.

And--that's not the funny part.

That's normal.

That's what we do.

Date nights for married people

is scheduled sex.

That's really what it is.

So we were doing it,

and it was one

of those sexual sessions

where, in the middle,

I, like, had this

out-of-body experience

where I was, like,

talking to myself,

and I was like, "Dude, you're

doing really good right now.

Like, she is super into this."

Like, it's almost like a pitcher

pitching a perfect game.

I was like, "All right,

don't talk to yourself.

"Don't [bleep] this up.

Just stay on target."

You know, I thought that the

chicken parm I ate for dinner

would have slowed me down.

It didn't, guys.

It carb-loaded me.

It pushed me further.

Then we were done.

We high-five each other,

like we do.

"Yeah. Good job."

Went to bed.

And then in the middle

of the night, I was like--

I had that feeling of,

"I want to do that again."

Like, I think

that I can accomplish

that level of joy again.

So I was like, "All right."

I tap my wife on the shoulder.

"Babe! Babe!"

She wakes up.

She's like, "What?

What is it? The kids?"

And I was like,

"Nah. It's this dick!"

[cheers and applause]

She was like, "What?"

And I was like, "Oh"--

it's the first time.

I was like, "Oh, maybe she's

not as excited about this dick

as I am."

So I was like,

"Eh! What about this dick?"

And she's like,

"We did it. It was great.

"Thank you very much.

It was so good.

"I'll see you next Wednesday.

You're the love of my life.

Thank you."

Then I got a little depressed.

I was like, "Oh."


We used to do it multiple times.

I don't know--

why don't we do that anymore?

Like, what slowed us down?

And the only thing

I could think of

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Submitted on August 05, 2018


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"Steve Rannazzisi: Breaking Dad" STANDS4 LLC, 2019. Web. 14 Oct. 2019. <>.

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