Staten Island Summer

Synopsis: Danny, Frank, and the rest of the life guards at the Great Kills Swim Club decide to throw a killer party and hook up Danny with his childhood babysitter on his last weekend in town. Meanwhile, Chuck, the pool manager is the trying to shut them down.
Genre: Comedy
Director(s): Rhys Thomas
Production: Paramount Pictures
Rotten Tomatoes:
108 min


I grew up in

Staten Island, New York.

It might not sound

like it, but I did.

Staten Island is like Brooklyn

and New Jersey had a baby.

A baby that would grow up to

be either a cop or a fireman.

And you know, Staten

Island gets a bad rap,

but, really, it's just

like any other suburb.

I mean, sure,

it looks like this.

And this.

Is that Staten Island

also looks like this.

And this.

And for me,

since I was old enough

to remember looked like this.

The Great Kills Swim Club.

This is where I spent every

waking hour of my summers.

From 8:
00 a.m. swim practice until

they threw us out at night,

this is where

I found friendship.

This is where

I tasted victory and defeat.

Where I fell in love.

And it's where I had the best job

in the history of the world.

I was a lifeguard.

Now, there are beach lifeguards

who actually guard lives.

Wendell, I told you to get out.

And then

there are pool guards...

Make me.

Who basically do this.

The only reason I became a lifeguard

is because of this idiot.

My best friend in the

whole world, Frank Gomes.

Frank said that girls couldn't

resist a man in uniform

and that we'd be, quote...

Don't drown.

"...knee-deep in snizz."

But the only thing Frank was

knee-deep in was the baby pool.

Hey, what you got there?

SPF 50? No wonder

you two look so young.

You know, if we hooked up,

I'd have to turn myself

in for statutory rape.

Statutory rape's

the not-bad rape.

Hey. No leaving.

But Staten Island girls were never

interested in me and Frank.

They were always too busy

fawning over this kind of guy.

You know, I'm pretty sure you

guys are just aiming too high.

That's Anthony De Bono.

It's really funny, though.

You should keep doing it.

Sculpted right out of

a suburban mom's sex fantasy.

Hello, beautiful ladies.

How's everybody doing?

Candace, I love the new suit.

That's very cute.

Anthony was joining the Navy.

If he could pass the written

exam, which he could not.

Hope I don't get you too wet.

As far as I could tell,

being in the Navy was, like,

90% pushups and 10% saying

"God bless America".

That's how they

do it in the Navy.

God bless America.

That's Mary Ellen.

Stupid. Ah! What the f***?

Her dad was a cop, and she

was basically raised a dude.

Pee in my pool? Uh-uh.

Punks get dunked.

The guy rolling in an hour

and a half late to work?

That was Billy Thomson.

Better known as Skootch.

Skootch did this year round.

Summers at the swim club

and winters at the YMCA.

He was a lifeguard.

That's all he was.

- He was Skootch.

- Skootch!

We were a team.

United together

against this one a**hole.

Our manager, Chuck Casino.

Mr. Marcus, how are you?

They find your kid?

They will.

Mr. Stewart, my man.

Hey, here they go,

one, two, three musketeers.

Chuck thought he ran the place.

I am the captain of this ship.

This is my Amistad.

But no one runs summer.

It was paradise.

But hey, even Adam and Eve

couldn't stay in heaven forever.

And right after Labor Day...

You're leaving us?

Ma, I told you,

he's going to Harvard.

And Anthony's joining the Navy.

We're losing all

the cute lifeguards.

Not all the cute lifeguards.

I'll still be around, ladies.

You smell like beef.

We're proud of you, Danny. Oh,

you're a good kid. Come here.

Come here.

Let me at him. Let me at him.

Thanks, Mrs. Bandini.

Let me at him.

Mrs. Bandini Jr.

Oh! We're all huggy.


Okay. See you guys.

Enjoy your game of slowly dying.

Bye. F*** off.

Danny, if you had half the

game with younger women

that you do with older women,

you'd be laying it down.

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Colin Jost

Colin Kelly Jost (, born June 29, 1982) is an American comedian, actor, and writer. He is known for his work on Saturday Night Live, where he has served as a writer since 2005 and "Weekend Update" co-anchor since 2014. He also served as one of the show's co-head writers from 2012 to 2015, and it was announced that he would come back as one of the show’s head writers in December 2017. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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    "Staten Island Summer" STANDS4 LLC, 2021. Web. 7 May 2021. <>.

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