Stand Up Guys: The Stand Up Songs of Jon Bon Jovi


"Hard Times"

Performed by:
Baby Huey

Cold, cold eyes upon me they stare

People all around me

and they're all in fear

They don't seem to want me

but they won't admit

I must be some kind of creature

up here having fits

From my party house,

I'm afraid to come outside

Although I'm filled with love

I'm afraid they'll hurt my pride

So I play the part

I feel they want of me

And I pull the shades

so I won't see them seein' me

Havin' hard times in this crazy town

Havin' hard times,

there's no love to be found

Havin' hard times in this crazy town

Havin' hard times,

there's no love to be found

From my party house,

I feel like meetin' others

Familiar faces, creed and race,

a brother

But to my surprise

I find a man corrupt

Although he be my brother,

he wants to hold me up

Havin' hard times in this crazy town

Havin' hard times,

there's no love to be found

Havin' hard times in this crazy town

Havin' hard times,

there's no love to be found

So many hard times...

Sleepin' on motel floors

Knockin' on my brother's door

Eatin' Spam and Oreos

and drinkin' Thunderbird baby

Had enough...

In this crazy town

Havin' hard times,

there's no love to be found

Havin' hard times in this crazy town

Havin' hard times,

there's no love to be found

- OK, Sid.

- Good luck to you.

You look like sh*t.

You look worse.


So I kinda missed you.

Missed you too.

- That just get weird?

- Yes, maybe a little.

Here, take your bags?

I can handle it.

- You remember this.

- Ah, my favorite car.


this is me.

- You're kidding.

- Hey, this couch falls out.

Or you could sleep in the window seat.

This is the worst apartment

I've ever seen.

Hey, it's not much, but it's mine.

There's cable TV, everything.

- This is for me?

- No, it's for my other friend,

- who just got out of prison.

- Heh.

Whoa, "The Three Musketeers."

Hey, look at Hirschey.

Looks like a baby.

- Those were the days, my friend.

- Yeah.

Your place...


like where I just came from.

- Except it's worse.

- It's not to your liking? Sorry.

"Not to my liking"...

is the understatement of all time.

- There's cable TV.

- Yeah, I know, you said that already.

I got Starz and Showtime,

and I was in f***ing lockdown.

I need to wash up.

Can I use the commode

for like two seconds?

- Sure.

- Thank you.

I hope the commode is to your liking.


Hey, brother.

Could we skedaddle outta here, you think

You know, is Mama Zeech's still open?


Good, I've been dreaming

about their coffee.

Yeah, I could use a cup right now.

We could do whatever you want, Val.

It's your day.

Yeah, let's do it.


Feel like partying?

- Cause I could f***ing party right now.

- No, I don't feel like partying.

So, what then?

I don't know what to tell you, Val.

I do the same thing everyday, I paint...

the sunrise, watch the cable TV,

try to eat right, relax, go to bed.

Nothing earth-shattering.

How's, uh, your daughter. How's Jessica?

She doesn't want me to find her.

- And?

- I did anyway, she's working...


Oh, yeah? Didn't she have a kid?

Your granddaughter?

She did... does.

What's she up to?

I couldn't find her.

I kept in touch with some people.

What people?

Well, what people do you think?


High, low places.

Friends who would be...

amenable to us having our comeback.

- I'm retired.

- You're retired.

I'm serious.

Another subject.

I could really f***ing party.

- You know what I'm saying?

- Should we go to Miss D's?

Miss D's?

Still exists?

It's Doc, I called.

- Yeah.

- This is Val.

- Yeah, yeah.

- Hey.

Come in.

Looks the same.

Miss de Havilland around anywhere?

Yeah, I'm Miss de Havilland.

He's talking about your mother, I think.

Oh, she couldn't take the cold,

so she set up shop in Florida, Boca.

- You look like her.

- Yeah?

Anyway, my friend is looking for a party


What kind of party?

- Bar Mitzvah.

- Ah...

- Coming out party, going in party.

- Yeah, I got the next best thing.


Now, look at this.

I think that's the party

I'm talking about, yeah.

She's from Minsk.

Very clean.

Oh, yeah.

Clean is good.

- Happy parole.

- Follow me.


All right.

- Have a seat. Relax, relax.

- Thanks. Yeah.

Fixed the place up.

- It's the same, but different.

- Huh.


Would you give my regards

to your mother, please?

We used to be close, old friends.

I hope she still remembers me.

So do I.

- Hello.

- She's a beauty.


- Oh, yeah, yeah.

- Nice...

too. Sweet girl.

Aren't you?

- She is.

- Come on.

- Wanna have fun?

- I'm retired.

- We'll have fun.

- Trust me, case closed.

- Come on.

- Wendy...

I need to use the phone, is that okay?

Yeah, use... there's one...

there's one through there.

Thank you.

- Hey.

- That was quick.

- Yeah, didn't work.

- Something wrong?

- It's not good.

- No, not good.

- Oh, it's okay, it's okay.

- We'll be back.

What are you smiling at?

- You find it funny? Is this funny?

- Nuh... nuh... no, no, I just...

Do you have anything

that are good to help my friend out?

Boner pills?

Oh, we've... we ran out of boner pills.

Is this a first for you?

- It's okay.

- We'll come back.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

- Just keep smiling.

- We'll be back.

I'll settle up with you.

Guys, if you get back before seven,

I'll give you the "Early Bird Special."

- Now I thought you said you're retired.

- Uh-huh.

But some tools...

you hate to give up.

Yeah. I could've done that with my dick.

Come on in. That's why we're here.

- Oh, that was just plain cruel.

- I'm sorry.

Remember that time you threw that Greek

out of the hotel window?

I do.

Fell straight on to a street meat vendor

I felt bad about that part.

Oh, this is definitely

a violation of my parole.

It's OK, I need to fill

my Nexium prescription anyway.

- What's Nexium?

- It's for my ulcer.

So, what are we looking for?

Ah, this.

What is that?

- Mm-hmm.

- Oh...

You're only supposed to take one.

I wanna make sure.

So, we... we... done here?

No, I need some Perindopril.


And some...

Ooh, Latanoprost.

My co-pay is insane on this one.

And, uh, ooh, Aldactone for hypertension


How much sh*t are you on?

A lot.

So how long does this take

to get the pipes working?

I wouldn't know.

So what are we gonna do while we wait?

Three Andrew Jacksons say I, uh,

run this table.

But, uh, you don't have any money.

What does that mean?

You spot me.

But, uh, that would be

robbing Peter to pay Paul.

"Each one must give

as he has decided in his heart,"

- "not reluctantly or under compulsion."

- Uh-huh, Corinthians.

- Chapter nine, verse seven.

- I love Corinthians.

OK, um, let's do the five.

- Oh, it's on now.

- Oh, wait, let me get out of your way.

Go ahead, stay in my way then.

- Oh!

- See?

Keep it.

- Thank you.

- It's yours.

Oh, you gave me a nice thing here.

- Too easy, but I'm gonna take it.

- Oh, it is easy.

- Hello!

- Oh!

- That was not fair.

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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