Splitting Adam
1
Ever feel
like you're being pulled
in a million different
directions?
Oh!
Uh, sorry!
My bad!
- Uh!
- Sorry, ma'am.
Like there's not enough time to
get through
all the things you have to do.
You start cutting corners just
to make it through the day.
My dog walking business
isn't exactly dog walking.
Oh, this is gonna hurt!
Oooah!
Ugh!
Some days I feel
like a punching bag.
Hashtag butt kicked by sister.
Others a babysitter
and ballet partner
Ah!
Ah! Uh!
Lawn polo, sport of the future!
Whoo!
Two inches, pal, two inches!
Sometimes, I'm just a doofus
with a pair of scissors
and a lot of grass to cut.
She's my little mini-me.
Ooh!
I'd loved to dream
of something better,
but who has time to dream?
Uh.
If you wanna impress
Lori Collins, why study CPR?
You should be learning
mouth to mouth.
Girls like Lori
only have eyes for hero types.
People who save lives.
Right, like lifeguards.
Help me study.
I gotta pass the test this year.
Your pulse is racing.
Now take a deep breath
and hold it.
Okay.
Oh.
Wow, you're really into this.
Ugh!
All you can do is breathe
and hope an easier life
is somewhere out there.
Yeah, this is pee patrol.
Got our eyes
on a foreign object.
Uh, copy that, number
two, let's get that thing out
of the pool as soon as possible.
We're going in, over.
Look at the size of that thing.
What are they
feeding these kids?
Floater alert! Floater alert!
Better hurry, dweebs, it looks
like it might need
mouth to mouth.
Go back to the kiddie pool.
Ignore him, guys, he hasn't
Uh, she's gone, you can
stop sucking in your stomach.
She laughed at you.
Yeah.
Look, you're only
my best bro and all,
but you can't compete
with the Vances of the world.
That guy is confident, cool,
plays a mean guitar,
drives a wicked car
and he's a lifeguard.
And maybe next time you decide
to work at a place solely
because the girl you're not
so secretly in love with
works there, you'll actually
read the job description.
Go on.
This is ridiculous.
It's only one!
It's not gonna bite.
Dude, you didn't
even go in the water.
Yeah, but I saw it, too.
I saw it.
For the ninth consecutive
month dating back three summers,
please join me in giving
round of applause
to lifeguard of the month,
and my homeboy, Vance Handsome!
Mwah.
Ugh, ugh, ugh.
Denied, sorry, bro,
that one didn't make it.
I gotta go.
What a freak.
Forget boy Baywatch.
He might be
lifeguard of the month,
but you've got
a glass half full this set.
You got a sweet ride, a snazzy
job, added with a cool best bro.
What?
My sweet ride has fleas.
I fish poo for money.
And my best bro is you.
Your uncle has landed.
Uncle Mitch?
Nephew, huge me!
Mm.
Okay.
Uh.
Ta-da!
I made your frown disappear.
Master Sheldon,
nephew's faithful companion.
My frown is all good.
Okay.
Gentlemen,
I need you assistance.
Whoa.
Ta-da!
What is that?
Obviously it's a tanning bed.
Frankenstein's tanning bed.
It's an industry thing.
All the magicians
rock the tan in Vegas.
Have you seen Copperfield?
Dude like sweats the vitamin D.
He really puts
the copper in Copperfield.
Right?
Anyway, I picked up this baby
out in Burlington.
Once I figure out
how to turn it on,
I'm gonna baste
in my own juices.
You're uncle's weird.
Uh-huh.
Now, for my next trick,
I'm gonna make this miracle
of not-so-modern tanology
go from this van
to that garage
without even laying a finger
on it.
- What?
- Now.
Uh, gift cards?
For your efforts,
kind gentlemen.
Chop, chop.
Yeah, there's a 99.9% chance
there's nothing on these.
I'll take those odds.
Listen to your Uncle Mitch.
He's the one in charge.
Adam, don't forget about
Gillian's dance recital.
Oh, and don't
Bye, guys, have a magical time.
We will, thanks.
See you in one week.
- Love you!
- Bye.
They'll be okay, right?
Yeah, what could go wrong?
Your brother's a magician.
That's what I'm afraid of.
Wah!
Okay, who wants to see me
pull a rabbit out of my pants?
I'm out.
You're in?
Mm-hmm.
All right.
Gotta get back.
Ow.
Ow, dude, stay on your side.
I can't win if I do that.
I have to say, running power
through the treehouse
was the best idea since
glow-in-the-dark toilet paper.
Tomorrow, I'm gonna put a
signal booster on the SAT router
so we can stream HD
to the 42-inch wireless.
Yeah.
This is gonna be great.
Adam's got
no parents for a week.
Uh!
Oh, come on,
Gillian, are you serious?
Ew.
I'm in the zone.
I ain't got time to wipe.
Where is Gillian, by the way?
She asked me
to play hide and seek with her
like two hours ago.
What?
Two hours ago?
What can I say,
she's good at hiding.
Like pro level.
But you didn't
even look for her.
Strategy, Baker, I wait 'em out.
What, do I got
something on my face?
Gillian!
It's probably best to
stick together, you know?
No, no, no, we'll take the
basement, you take the garage.
All right.
Gillian?
It's your old pal Sheldon.
Look, I'm really sorry
I didn't look for you.
No hard feelings, right?
Gillian!
Hello?
If you're down here,
I just want you to know
it was all Sheldon's idea.
Ah!
Gillian, this is
Uncle Mitch's tanning bed.
I don't think you should be...
Ah!
Surprise!
Uh, uh, uh?
What?
That is not cool.
I'm telling mom.
Hashtag.
What?
What does that even mean?
Gillian, where's Adam?
Getting a tan.
What is that?
Guys, I gotta get out of here.
Open it, open it.
It won't open.
It's like a safe.
What?
Guys, okay... okay, so now
it's glowing and spinning.
Why is it doing that?
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh?
What does uh-oh mean?
Just open it up!
He looks even paler than usual.
Okay.
The party's over.
You guys gotta go.
Uh.
Uh!
Do you know
we talk in our sleep?
Uh, aaahh!
Uh!
Oh.
Uh.
Uh. Oh.
Ah!
Oh!
Cranky.
What is it?
What's wrong?
Oh, just a scream.
Yes, I thought I saw a... clown
underneath my... my bed.
A clown!
A... where?
I hate clowns!
Uh, it was just a bad dream.
not a good idea.
Promise to behave?
Uh.
Oh, those are from last week.
Oh, so I smelled.
Who are you?
What do you mean?
I'm you.
All right.
Ah!
Oh.
Am I that bad?
Uh, Sheldon... dude.
This should be
very cooling on the eyes.
And now the cucumbers.
There you go.
Hashtag treat yourself.
I can't watch this.
You do know it's not me, right?
Ah!
What are you?
An evil twin?
A doppelganger?
What have you done
with our wingman?
Guys, guys, it's me, okay?
That's not me.
Well, it is, kind of.
It's like... it's like a clone.
Like a clone thing, you know?
Clones?
Like brothers from
the same brother?
This just doesn't happen.
What?
Did he just appear
out of thin air?
No.
Here it is.
No, no, no.
I saw it!
I'm next!
There isn't gonna be a next!
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"Splitting Adam" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 6 Nov. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/splitting_adam_18683>.
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