Splitting Adam

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1

Ever feel

like you're being pulled

in a million different

directions?

Oh!

Uh, sorry!

My bad!

- Uh!

- Sorry, ma'am.

Like there's not enough time to

get through

all the things you have to do.

You start cutting corners just

to make it through the day.

My dog walking business

isn't exactly dog walking.

Oh, this is gonna hurt!

Oooah!

Ugh!

Some days I feel

like a punching bag.

Hashtag butt kicked by sister.

Others a babysitter

and ballet partner

for my little sister Gillian.

Ah!

Ah! Uh!

Lawn polo, sport of the future!

Whoo!

Two inches, pal, two inches!

Sometimes, I'm just a doofus

with a pair of scissors

and a lot of grass to cut.

She's my little mini-me.

Ooh!

I'd loved to dream

of something better,

but who has time to dream?

Uh.

If you wanna impress

Lori Collins, why study CPR?

You should be learning

mouth to mouth.

Girls like Lori

only have eyes for hero types.

People who save lives.

Right, like lifeguards.

Help me study.

I gotta pass the test this year.

Your pulse is racing.

This CPR really works.

Now take a deep breath

and hold it.

Okay.

Oh.

Wow, you're really into this.

Ugh!

All you can do is breathe

and hope an easier life

is somewhere out there.

Yeah, this is pee patrol.

Got our eyes

on a foreign object.

Uh, copy that, number

two, let's get that thing out

of the pool as soon as possible.

We're going in, over.

Look at the size of that thing.

What are they

feeding these kids?

Floater alert! Floater alert!

Better hurry, dweebs, it looks

like it might need

mouth to mouth.

Go back to the kiddie pool.

Ignore him, guys, he hasn't

had his protein shake yet.

Uh, she's gone, you can

stop sucking in your stomach.

I think she smiled at me.

She laughed at you.

Yeah.

Look, you're only

my best bro and all,

but you can't compete

with the Vances of the world.

That guy is confident, cool,

plays a mean guitar,

drives a wicked car

and he's a lifeguard.

And maybe next time you decide

to work at a place solely

because the girl you're not

so secretly in love with

works there, you'll actually

read the job description.

Go on.

This is ridiculous.

It's only one!

It's not gonna bite.

Dude, you didn't

even go in the water.

Yeah, but I saw it, too.

I saw it.

For the ninth consecutive

month dating back three summers,

please join me in giving

a great big Crash 'N Splash

round of applause

to lifeguard of the month,

and my homeboy, Vance Handsome!

Mwah.

Ugh, ugh, ugh.

Denied, sorry, bro,

that one didn't make it.

I gotta go.

What a freak.

Forget boy Baywatch.

He might be

lifeguard of the month,

but you've got

a glass half full this set.

You got a sweet ride, a snazzy

job, added with a cool best bro.

What?

My sweet ride has fleas.

I fish poo for money.

And my best bro is you.

Your uncle has landed.

Uncle Mitch?

Nephew, huge me!

Mm.

Okay.

Uh.

Ta-da!

I made your frown disappear.

Master Sheldon,

nephew's faithful companion.

My frown is all good.

Okay.

Gentlemen,

I need you assistance.

Whoa.

Ta-da!

What is that?

Obviously it's a tanning bed.

Frankenstein's tanning bed.

It's an industry thing.

All the magicians

rock the tan in Vegas.

Have you seen Copperfield?

Dude like sweats the vitamin D.

He really puts

the copper in Copperfield.

Right?

Anyway, I picked up this baby

at a sweet storage auction

out in Burlington.

Once I figure out

how to turn it on,

I'm gonna baste

in my own juices.

You're uncle's weird.

Uh-huh.

Now, for my next trick,

I'm gonna make this miracle

of not-so-modern tanology

go from this van

to that garage

without even laying a finger

on it.

- What?

- Now.

Uh, gift cards?

For your efforts,

kind gentlemen.

Chop, chop.

Yeah, there's a 99.9% chance

there's nothing on these.

I'll take those odds.

Listen to your Uncle Mitch.

He's the one in charge.

Adam, don't forget about

Gillian's dance recital.

Oh, and don't

forget about karate class.

Bye, guys, have a magical time.

We will, thanks.

See you in one week.

- Love you!

- Bye.

They'll be okay, right?

Yeah, what could go wrong?

Your brother's a magician.

That's what I'm afraid of.

Wah!

Okay, who wants to see me

pull a rabbit out of my pants?

I'm out.

You're in?

Mm-hmm.

All right.

Gotta get back.

Ow.

Ow, dude, stay on your side.

I can't win if I do that.

I have to say, running power

through the treehouse

was the best idea since

glow-in-the-dark toilet paper.

Tomorrow, I'm gonna put a

signal booster on the SAT router

so we can stream HD

to the 42-inch wireless.

Yeah.

This is gonna be great.

Adam's got

no parents for a week.

Uh!

Oh, come on,

Gillian, are you serious?

Ew.

I'm in the zone.

I ain't got time to wipe.

Where is Gillian, by the way?

She asked me

to play hide and seek with her

like two hours ago.

What?

Two hours ago?

What can I say,

she's good at hiding.

Like pro level.

But you didn't

even look for her.

Strategy, Baker, I wait 'em out.

What, do I got

something on my face?

Gillian!

It's probably best to

stick together, you know?

No, no, no, we'll take the

basement, you take the garage.

All right.

Gillian?

It's your old pal Sheldon.

Look, I'm really sorry

I didn't look for you.

No hard feelings, right?

Gillian!

Hello?

If you're down here,

I just want you to know

it was all Sheldon's idea.

Ah!

Gillian, this is

Uncle Mitch's tanning bed.

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