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Says here taxes are goin' higher. Higher?
Joe, if you had any gumption,
you'd ask ol' skinflint for a raise.
What for? You wanta get me
in the four pig bracket?
Well, look at this robe.
These are even last year's tassels.
chariot, it's always at the blacksmith's.
Well, she's transportation, dear.
I took it to the market last week,
and both wheels fell off.
Honestly, Joe, if you don't
start making more money, m'm,
well, well, I'm gonna go an'
see ol' skinflint myself.
Alice! Ol' skinflint happens
to be the emporer.
And he hasn't got time to listen to
What's more, Nero told me just
the other day, I'm on the way up.
Oh, really, Joe? Gee, I hope so.
- Don't you worry, dear.
in a somber mood today.
He should be. His wife said,
no more court maidens.
What're those two doin' up there?
He's tapering off.
Who did that?
I, I did, sir.
- Come here, boy.
Well, go ahead, kiddo, the boss
wants to see yuh. Get up there.
Aren't you the one who played E flat
last week in my favorite sonata?
- And now you break a string. How amusing.
Faulty gut, sir.
Tell me, Joseph, how would
you like to play a solo?
Oh, your excellency!
Stop the slobbering!
Leave that for the lions.
That's right. You appear in the Coliseum
next Saturday. You're on the program.
I'm on the program!
Now what's the matter?
Aw, you're right, honey, we're
gonna have to trade 'er in.
Joe. Joe, you mean you got the raise?
Well, yeah, I'm doing a solo at
the Coliseum. I'm on the program.
Oh, Joe, I'm so proud of you. This
ol' cat gut'll get us some place yet.
You're sure you're not lyin'?
Hey, bud. We're organizin' the
gladiators into Local Forty-two,
the Butchers, Bakers an' Undertakers.
You stick with us...
All right, McDoakes, you're on. Go get
It's me, Homer.
The boys in the orchestra took up a
collection and bought this lion suit.
Lion suit? What d'I need a lion suit for?
Joe. Joe, wait a minute. You missed
the point. I will be in the suit.
Youll be in --Youll --(laughing)
You're gonna be in the suit. You-
thought the last gladiator was goin' to win.
Look at me. Look at me,
Joe, I'm a real fighter.
Ho! What's ol' Bess doin' here?
Why, she's about to have her cubs.
Take her downstairs to the lions' club.
Come on, Bess. Come on, Bessie girl.
Nero wants the best lion we can throw
into the arena for the next act.
Hurry up there. Easy, easy.
Out you go, Bess.
Down to the lions' club.
Easy now. Easy...
McDoakes! You're not gonna use these.
This is your weapon. - A lyre?
- Don't you call me a liar!
Who's next? Oh, the musician, eh?
There you are, my discord. Perhaps you
And if, by any stretch
of the imagination,
Commence the concert.
Very good, Homer.
You sound like a real lion.
Even smell like a lion.
Action! I want to see action!
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Use the citation below to add this screenplay to your bibliography:
"So You Want to Be a Gladiator" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2020. Web. 30 Nov. 2020. <https://www.scripts.com/script/so_you_want_to_be_a_gladiator_18410>.