Shovel Buddies

1

When I was seven,

I met my best friends.

They were idiots,

and I loved them for it.

We did everything together.

No matter what,

we had each other's backs.

Nothing could change that,

even when this jackass

got cancer.

It wasn't supposed

to be a big deal.

We thought it would go away,

but it didn't.

It got worse.

Somewhere along the way

I realized

that the guy

that kept us all together

wasn't gonna be around forever.

We gonna make it?

Get your bike.

Better to go out with

a bang than a whimper.

It was a dump anyway.

They already poured

the concrete for the new school.

You never answered my text.

Figured I'd see you

at the party.

Better late than never.

This room's full of posers.

They're not all bad.

Eh, you're one of them.

Popping the lid.

F*** are you doing?

When's the last time

you saw Sammy?

It's probably empty.

They're cremating him tomorrow.

What's "cremating?"

It's where they burn the body

and put the ashes in a can.

You're gonna scare him.

I'm not scared.

Yeah.

Then they dump the ashes,

and Sammy's gone forever.

It's not like that, okay?

Then what's it like?

F*** cancer, man.

F*** cancer.

Sure you don't want

to say "bye" face to face?

- If I had known, I would...

- Ooh, a titty alert.

I'd like to cheer her up

and down for that matter.

Know what I mean?

No.

I do.

Don't worry, lump.

I heard from

a very reliable source

that your brother knows a

little bit more than he lets on.

Motherf***er.

Sister-f***er.

F***.

Smooth.

- I didn't mean to.

- No big deal.

How you doing, baby?

Choke on a cock.

I like your dress.

Couldn't find something

that said, "sad, not broken."

You okay?

Half the school

texted me, Jimmy.

I wasn't sure what to say.

F*** you.

It's nice of you

to finally show.

By the time I got here,

your dad said it was too late.

Where are your parents?

Vacation.

I'm watching lump here

for a few days.

Kate...

Anyway, the old man needs me.

Talk to you later.

So desperate.

So desperate.

Did you get

a shovel list from Sammy?

Mm, he covered his ass

when you decided

to spend his last days

putting it in his sister.

This pasta sucks.

Don't you think we ought

to take care of it?

What's a "shovel list?"

Think about all the sh*t

you have in your bedroom

that you wouldn't want your

parents to find if you died.

Like dirty dishes?

No, lump, like two girls

and one cup.

I don't know what that is.

It's two girls shitting

in a cup, and they eat it.

It's surprisingly arousing.

I'm going.

Mm.

Don't you ever talk

to your brother?

Go on the count of three.

They're mourning a dead kid.

All right,

no one's gonna miss us.

Remember what I told you, lump.

Open it, p*ssy.

Look under the mattress

and sock drawer.

I'll take the closet.

I know what I'm f***ing doing.

Did you give him this?

Yeah. He was dying anyway.

Dude, his dad's a cop.

Dude, he has weed in his closet,

and his dad couldn't find it?

Shitty cop.

Only what's on the list.

Sammy's not

gonna miss this sh*t.

Jimmy.

That's the last of it.

Here?

Yeah.

I figured we'd

take the edge off.

Look at this.

Is that Mary Keller?

Holy sh*t.

She's in college.

Sammy said he didn't want

to die without seeing her naked.

Let me see.

You know, is it weird

that I kind of want cancer now?

Is it bad that I kind

of hope you get it?

Ugh! Oh, my god.

It reeks in here.

We just wanted to come in before

your parents found

anything incriminating.

Mm, getting all your sh*t

together, huh?

Yep. Somebody has to.

Did you guys

find two girls one cup?

It's gonna be okay.

How do you know?

People keep saying it.

Uh-uh, that one's already

spoken for, champ.

You know, I thought there'd

be a lot more drugs in here.

More what?

Let's have it.

Come on.

- It's mine.

- Kate...

Your mom needs you downstairs.

Yeah, of course.

Did you get everything?

Hmm.

- Mr. Hanes...

- Jimmy...

I'm needed downstairs.

We got it all, Sammy.

F***ing lump.

You told me to take her to you.

Want to hit the hole later?

Like old times?

I got a ton of sh*t from

the drawer before Ted came in.

Figured you'd want some.

Thanks.

I can't believe it's over.

Welcome to the rest

of your life.

Slow down.

Keep up.

Now that Sammy's dead,

is Dan your new best friend?

No.

You brought the lump?

I'm not supposed

to leave him alone.

He's hitting

the big leagues early.

Danny, stop.

Don't tell mom.

You can have his porn mags.

It's like masturbating

in the stone age.

This other sh*t

we're gonna have to split.

The pages are stuck together.

Sh*t. There's a Snapchat

addressed to me.

Sh*t's from beyond the grave.

All right, I sent it to you.

- We were deleting.

- I decided against it.

Hey, dick hole.

I'm not sure I can

trust you with this

since I couldn't with my sister,

but I want to be buried...

In my eagles Jersey.

Don't mess it up...

Again.

Bye.

F***. It's gone.

That was depressing.

His Jersey was on the wall.

What are you gonna do about it?

I need to talk to your parents.

- Can this wait?

- No.

What's this all about?

I... well, we wanted to...

We found a will.

He left you a note?

It was a text.

It was a Snapchat to be exact.

Don't worry.

He wasn't naked.

We knew you were cremating him,

but we just wanted to make sure

that Sammy would...

We didn't get a note.

He wanted to be buried

in his Jersey.

Can I see it?

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