Short and Curlies, The


Have you got anything

for a sore throat?

- Do you wanna gargle?

- I beg your pardon?

I'm joking. Just something to suck.

- Pastilles?

- Got any crayons? No, no, no, no.

Seriously, what have you got?

Mac's, Vic's, Tunes, Bradosol,

Merocaine, TCP.

- Whatever.

- What about a Fisherman's Friend?

- What about a Fisherman's Friend?

- 52.

Right, Joy, we'll take six inches.

Let's go the whole hog, shall we?

Oh, that's it.

See, that's looking better already.

- I hope it won't be too severe.

- Oh, no, that's lovely.

That's gonna be gorgeous. You see,

that's making your face look wider.


You all right?

You've had your hair cut,

haven't you?

Can I help you?

Er, yeah, do you have any shampoo

for greasy hair?

- Is it for you?

- No, it's for a friend.

Yeah, it's for me.

- How often do you wash your hair?

- About two or three times

a year - no, a week.

- You want a frequency wash.

- Do I?

- That's what I use.

- You ain't got greasy hair.

- I have, actually.

- Yeah?

I got dry ends

but it is greasy at the roots.

- You're having me on, aren't you?

- You could try that.

I like your hair like that.

It's quite pretty.

Oh. Thank you.

- Do you want this, then?

- Yeah, I'll take it.

- All right? Hello.

- Hello.

Eh! Oh...

Hang about.

I hate my name.

- What's your name, then?

- Clive.

- That's unusual.

- But you can call me sir.

Joy, did you know that there's as

many molecules in a teaspoon of water

as there are teaspoons of water

in the Atlantic Ocean?

- This is my house.

- Oh, right.

- I'll see you tomorrow, then.

- Yeah, all right.

You go easy up them steps.

I'll see you, then.

Ta-ta, then, Clive.

Two hands, please, Joy. That's it.

- Got it?

- Yeah.

It's got to be a snug fit, you see.

- Can I let go, Betty?

- Yeah.

I'll tuck the back in for you.

- How's your mum, Joy? All right?

- She's not too bad.

Only she's not been in to see me,

lately, you know.

- This isn't gonna hurt, is it?

- No, it'll be all right.

And if it does pain, Joy,

just shout out, you know,

like when you're in labour.

'Cause my Charlene had

a very big head, you see.

- I can't stand pain.

- Can't you, Joy? No?

- Ow!

- That's it, Joy.

Ooh-ooh! Did you forget your key

again, Charlene?

- Yeah.

- Oh, that's typical.

Oh, I'm queasy.

I've just seen a gorgeous cat

lying dead in the road

outside the church, there.

And I don't like cats, do I?

All its insides were out.

- Did you get that boiled ham?

- Yeah.

And I've been itching down below

and I don't know why.

Oh, I'm dry.

Put the kettle on, Charlene.

And of course, she wanted me just to

walk out, leave my two ladies.

I said, "Oh, no, Cynthia,

I can't do that."

I said, "Jerry said you was ill

and I was expecting a full day's wages."

"Oh, all right," she says,

"I'll come back at two o'clock."

At two o'clock I'm sitting there

in my coat and she doesn't show up.

There's your tea, Charlene.

And the next thing is that

at half past five, Jerry walks in.

"Oh, she's bad again," he says.

And I said, "What is it this time?"

"Oh, it's her thyroid." I said,

"Well, Jerry, I'm not surprised."

You see, she takes tablets

for her thyroid, Charlene,

but with that diarrhoea being bad,

they'd gone right through her.

And then he checked

the takings again.

Course, you see,

they don't trust me, Charlene.

Oh, that itch is bad.

I don't know whether it's a tight bra

or whether I've been bitten.

I was on the telly last night.

I'll sleep anywhere

when I've had a few drinks.

- I think I'm getting a mouth ulcer.

- Oh, yeah?

- It's the salt.

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Submitted on August 05, 2018


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"Short and Curlies, The" STANDS4 LLC, 2020. Web. 28 Jan. 2020. <>.

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