She's Out of My League

1

Marnie?

I know we agreed

to take some time off.

And I think that was a great idea.

My God.

It gave us both a chance

to experiment, if you will,

and meet all sorts of new

and interesting, different people.

You did quite a bit more

experimenting than I did.

A lot more experimenting.

You are like a scientist!

With beakers and... But, obviously,

I'm cool with that. Like...

'Cause the thing is,

I think we're stronger as a result.

But here's the thing, Marnie,

it's been two years.

And that's a lot of time off.

And I'm ready for some time on.

I miss you.

I miss us.

I got something for you.

What do you think?

Oh, man!

It's depressing.

I mean, it's really depressing.

It's horrible to watch you like this.

I think this is really pretty.

How's it work?

What the hell is that?

I got it for Valentine's Day,

right before she broke up with me.

Look, Stainer, I know

you don't like her very much.

No. No. I hate her. In fact,

the day that you broke up with her,

I marked that down in my calendar

as a day of rejoicement.

I'm gonna celebrate it

with a cake with her face on it.

But instead of eating it, we smash it.

OK? You can do a lot better.

- You deserve a lot better, Kirk.

- Thank you,

but I've seen what's out there

and I don't think it gets any better.

When have you been out there?

When have you left the apartment?

I went out on four different dates.

With three girls and that guy.

I don't know what his

intentions were, but it's fine.

We had a great conversation.

He was just lookin' for a friend.

- Know what your problem is?

- What?

- You're a moodle.

- A "moodle"?

A man poodle. Girls,

they want to take you out on a walk.

They want to feed you, they want to

cuddle you. But, make no mistake,

no girl wants to do the moodle.

- No one'd ever f*ck a moodle.

- No.

- He's right.

- I'm telling you,

if you want to get Marnie back,

she has got to believe

that from the second

she broke up with you,

your life has been

a non-stop snatch parade.

Or you could just be who you are.

Why can't that be good enough?

Why don't you put your

fucking balls in here, dude?

Yeah!

- "Snatch parade." Really, Kirk?

- Yeah, it's been pretty awesome.

I've been raw-doggin' some randoms.

Usually careful. Mostly careful, though.

Always using protection.

Double-baggin' it sometimes

just to make sure there's

no seepage because...

...gonorrhea, herpes and stuff.

I don't want that.

Wow. I am really happy that

you are doing so well with the ladies.

But, truthfully, Marnie.

I reallyjust want to give all that up

and get back together with you.

Kirk? You know I'm with Ron now.

Raw-doggin' some randoms?

Wow, Kirky, sounds like you got

some good stuff goin' on.

- Yeah.

- Thanks, Ron.

We're kind of in the middle

of something right now.

Oh, you want to talk? No problem.

- I'll just be in the other room.

- Thanks, buddy.

Ah, sorry. One more thing.

Is there any salsa?

You know what? I'll find it myself.

Good luck there, pirate.

- Are you kidding me, Marnie? That guy?

- That guy is an entrepreneur.

- Well, Ron owns a Pizza Hut.

- That's a business.

It's not even a real Pizza Hut!

It's a Pizza Hut Express!

Working airport security

with your dipshit friends

isn't getting you closer

to being a pilot.

I... I got you somethin'.

Like, remember that time I made you

the mix tape of all the Kate Bush songs

I thought applied to our relationship?

This is cooler.

Happy Valentine's Day

from two years ago.

Hi, honey. Everything OK?

- Yeah.

- Oh, God, what is that?

I think it's an ashtray?

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