Sex Guaranteed

Synopsis: Kevin has sworn off sex to win back his former fiancé when he meets a beautiful escort named Zade. Over the course of a legendary party, Zade just might provide the spark that this heartbroken idealist needs to turn his life around.
Genre: Comedy
Director(s): Brad Barnes, Todd Barnes
Production: C Plus Pictures
81 min


[country music playing]

[man] Let's go.

[woman] Oh, you're jumping?

That's a good jump.

Get the ball, sweetie.

Get it. Get the ball!

You wanna play with your brother?

Yeah, babe. See,

come play with Kevin.

Wait, uh, don't you

hit your brother.

Come on, Kev.


[saw whirring]

[Kevin] Picture this.

A warehouse, about 20000 square

feet. Windows along the side.

Looks like an ordinary warehouse.

Until you get closer.

And all you see are heads.


What kinda heads you talking about?

Heads. Happy heads. Smiling heads.

Heads drifting in and out of the windows.

- [Gary] A projection of heads?

- [Cesar] Like a jumbo tron?

[Kevin] No, real heads.

Heads defying gravity.

There are heads everywhere.

Everyone's having fun.

Good genuine fun.

Trampoline world.

The first of its kind in

the state of Louisiana.

[Steve] Hey, Kev. You feel

like working today, huh?

See, you take the hammer

and you take the nail,

you just swing the hammer.

And then when all the

nails are in, we get paid.

And then we get to go home.

Kev, I want to ask you a question.

You think grown ass adults

from Louisiana are gonna come

to a building full of

trampolines and jump around?

Well, gymnastics and trampoline are amongst

the fastest growing sports in America.

Well, so is obesity.

No offense, brother,

but... you need to get laid.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. He still hasn't

done any f***ing since the incident?


[dull thud]

[Kevin groans in pain]

Why did you have to go

bring up the incident?

I didn't bring up the incident.

All right, that's f***ing...

Let's get off my goddamn roof.

[Gary] We just got here.

[man] Where do you wanna go eat?

[Gary] I think I'm gonna go to a titty bar.

Are you gonna work at all today, Kev?

Just give me a minute.

You know, you gotta

forget about Angie, man.

Maybe the boys are right. Maybe

you gotta get back out there.

And get laid.

Why don't you f*** a nurse?

I know this nurse, she works at Tulane.

- Give her a call.

- No, I don't want to f*** the nurse.

Nurses like to f***.

I'm not interested. Can we

talk about something else?

Listen, it's time for you

to get back in the game.

I am in the game.

I'm just not having sex.

[guitar music playing]

I'm having sex, guaranteed

My pedestal I

just won't need

[foreman] You're really starting

to f***ing worry me, pal.

[chuckling] There's no

curse. You're not cursed.

Yo, Kevin, got like a medusa dick.

You can't look directly into the

eye or it'll turn you into stone.

[men chuckle]

[man] You can't let one girl ruin

your whole goddamn life, Kevin.

[Kevin] Oh, sh*t.

F***, f***, f***.

F***. God. God, you're

so f***ing stupid, Kevin.

That apron suits you. You should keep it.

Oh. And please, take whatever you

like from the Le Creuset stuff.

In fact...

[Kevin] Stupid Kevin.

You're doing okay there, Senor?

Oh, hey.

Yeah, I'm good.

They don't mind if we take the sodas?

- No, it's cool.

- Oh, that's nice.


No problem.

Guys giving you a hard time up there?

Who? Oh!


What do you think her name is?

I was gonna go with Muriel or... or Sasha

You think Sasha's married?

Uh... yeah.

[stammers] Maybe, yeah. I don't know.

One thing I can tell you about catering...

some of these girls

really know how to party.


You just got a smile.


- No. I don't think so.

- You did.

- I saw her, man.

- No.



So, is this guy an a**hole?

What guy?

Uh, the guy, whose house this is.

What makes you say that?

Well, he's got a chair

in the shape of a hand.

You don't like the chair.

The only one who has enough

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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    "Sex Guaranteed" STANDS4 LLC, 2021. Web. 7 Dec. 2021. <>.

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