Sex & Drugs & Rock & Roll

Good evening.

I'm from Essex,

in case you couldn't tell.

My given name is Dickie,

l come from Billericay, and l'm doing. ..

.. .very well!

# Had a love affair with Nina

in the back of my Cortina

# A seasoned up hyena

could not have been more obscener

# She took me to the cleaners

and other misdemeanours

# But l got right up between her

Rum and her Ribena

# Well, you ask Joyce and Vicky

# lf candy-floss is sticky

# l ain't a blinking thicky

# l'm Billericay Dickie

# And l'm doing very well

# l bought a lot of brandy

# When l was courting Sandy

# Took eight to make her randy

# And all l had was shandy

# Another thing with Sandy

# What often came in handy

# Was passing her a mandy

# She didn't half go bandy

# Well, you ask Joyce and Vicky

# lf l ever took the mickey

# l ain't a common thicky

# l'm Billericay Dickie

# And l'm doing very well

# l rendezvous with Janet

# Quite near the Isle of Thanet

# She looked more like a gannet

# She wasn't half a prannet

# Her mother tried to ban it

# Her father helped me plan it

"Go on, son"

# And when l captured Janet

# She bruised her pomegranate

# Oh, you ask Joyce and Vicky

# lf l ever shaped up tricky

Tell him to shut that racket up!

# And l'm doing very well!

# You should never hold a candle

# lf you don't know where it's been

# The jackpot is in the handle

# On a normal fruit machine

# So, you ask Joyce and Vicky

# Who's their favourite brickie

# l ain't a common thicky

# l'm Billericay Dickie

# And l'm doing very well

# So, you ask Joyce and Vicky

# About Billericay Dickie

# l ain't a f***ing thicky

l'm Billericay Dickie

# And l'm doing very well #

One, two, one. ..

Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa.

No, hold on, hold on.

-Your timing's off, mate.

-Well, you're out of tune.

This ain't jazz. Learn to play

drums and I'll learn to sing in tune.

Let's be nice, lads.

How can you tell

if a stage is level?

'Cause the drummer dribbles

out of both sides of his mouth!

-Yeah, very bleedin' funny.

-Not as funny as this, mate.

-You're f***ing fired!

-What?

-Oh, not again!

Oh, yes!

-Oh, I'll take the equipment, then.

-All right.

Your body odour smells

like a f***ing orang-utan on heat.

You smell like

your mother's cock and balls.

Two f***ing cymbals, mate.

-Come on, then.

Who wants him out?

I've just given birth. Any chance

you could keep the noise down?

Oh!

It's a boy.

You are so clever.

I'll be in the kitchen, all right?

Now look what you done.

We're all on our own now, son.

Now listen, you monkeys.

Stories are what we tell ourselves

to make ourselves feel better

about ourselves.

So, never let the truth

get in the way of a good story.

Once upon a time,

in a mystical land far, far away,

weIl, Southend-on-Sea,

a young prince holidayed.

His name was lan Dury.

He was handsome, healthy,

highly intelligent.

And brilliant at swimming.

Oh!

Look at me.

Weren't l a lovely little chap?

But in the pool, evil lurked.

lts name was polio.

A water-borne contamination.

A virus, and when it gets

into your system, you've had it.

Pay attention, chaps!

The polio virus, a.k.a. the crippler.

lt attacks the nervous system

here, here and here.

Makes you bloody nervous

'cause it can bloody well kill you!

It infIames the brainstem,

fucks with the spinal cord,

leading to paralysis

and muscular wasting.

Lock up your children. No one is safe!

A monstrous epidemic.

Daddy!

Bloody hell. It's the Muppets!

We are the band.

You've got to be joking?

We was going to call ourselves

Cripple, N*gger, Yid,

Chink and Dead Fish,

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