Saturday Morning Mystery

Synopsis: A dark and bloody parody about a Scooby-Doo-like team of paranormal investigators and their devoted dog. With the crew nearing bankruptcy, they're hired to get to the bottom of a series of spooky events at the remote Kyser mansion, an old religious school plagued by rumors of satanism and ritualistic murder. They're experts at debunking ghost stories, so they get right to work, and despite the ominous signs that this isn't just another greedy land-developer or bitter landlord, they set up to stay the night. When the sun goes down, the truth comes out: this place might actually be haunted...by sadistic spirits or something much, much deadlier.
Genre: Comedy, Horror
Director(s): Spencer Parsons
Production: Xlrator Media
 
IMDB:
4.5
R
Year:
2012
83 min
Website
4 Views

(STATIC)

(SCREAM)

I got nothin'.

(CHILD CRYING)

Was that a kid?

(CHILD CRYING)

I thought our ghost

was an escaped convict.

It is.

(DRIP)

It's blood.

CHAD:
Oh, Jesus.

Is it yours?

No.

Hamlet.

Hamlet, come on.

(FIGURE GROWLING)

(ALL GASPING)

CHAD:
Uh, guys?

GWEN:
(WHISPERING)

Shh, Chad.

(SCUTTLING)

(FIGURE GROWLING)

It's a projection.

(BABY CRIES)

What the shit?

Can I help you?

(WHINES)

NANCY:
There's no

such thing as ghosts.

Just cruddy old perverts,

politicians,

and real estate developers.

When we first got together,

we hunted ghosts.

Sometimes aliens,

moss monsters,

the occasional scary robot.

Now we know what we're

really after is people...

people with something to hide.

People who want everyone

to think there are ghosts.

My best friend Gwen and I

co-founded the gang

our freshman year at Oberlin.

She's a great partner

in business,

and an even better partner

in fighting crime.

Chad's our sound guy,

and he also brings the van.

He's the only one of us

who actually believes

in the paranormal,

so he's probably great

to have around

in case we ever

find something real.

Before we found him,

Floyd repaired robots

at a haunted Showbiz Pizza

in Seattle.

Now he's the rocking-est

resident gearhead

a girl could ask for.

Hamlet's his dog.

Part Great Dane,

part something else,

and all affection.

He's the muscle.

And I'm Nancy,

just a few months shy of getting

my private detective's license,

and already years

into debunking shady shit.

We rip off the masks

so the authorities

can slap on the cuffs.

We're really good.

We get to

the bottom of things.

Just ask these assholes...

on visitors day...

at the pen...

in Huntsville.

So, you think you busted up

a kiddy-porn ring, huh?

We're so glad you guys

got here when you did.

The situation here was,

these guys had a cover story

of a dead convict

haunting the place.

CHAD:
Totally fake.

We even bought high-8

and actually record the ghosts.

CHAD:
We can surrender

those to you, if you want.

NANCY:
They were scaring everybody

away from ever coming in,

so that nobody was finding out

what they were doing.

Shut the f*ck up!

We've had this

staked out for months.

F*ckin' months.

We have videotape of them

bringing in the kids.

CHAD:
Officer, we have...

We have wiretaps!

We were building a case.

You waltz in

and f*ck it all up.

What do you think this is,

some Saturday morning

cartoon show?

(WHINES)

I don't watch television.

We're just

doing our jobs.

We're paranormal

investigators.

Oh, so you're

Ghostbusters.

You know what happens

to real detectives?

They get killed!

(WOMAN SCREAMING IN CRUISER)

Listen, we got in there before

anything happened to those kids, okay?

Nothing happened to them

because of us.

Yeah, where were you guys?

Whoa, you didn't do shit

but taint evidence

and f*ck

our investigation.

These guys are gonna be

out before happy hour,

probably at the carnival,

in line at the Zipper,

if you know what I mean.

(WOMAN SCREAMING)

What, are you trying to get

in touch with your inner child?

F*ck your inner child.

(SCREAMING)

So I can call my parents again

and get a loan for us at 15%,

but we haven't paid off

the last one yet.

You still owe me money

for one of those installments,

by the way.

Do you guys think

that that was

cow's blood in there?

It was pig's blood,

or something, you know?

NANCY:

This is just total crap.

And who does that?

And you...

And you licked it.

How were we

supposed to know

it was

a sting operation, okay?

I mean, what the hell?

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Kat Candler

Kat Candler is an American independent filmmaker. She has credits as a director, writer, producer and film editor. Kat Candler graduated in Creative Writing at Florida State University and now lives in Austin, Texas. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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"Saturday Morning Mystery" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2019. Web. 17 Nov. 2019. <https://www.scripts.com/script/saturday_morning_mystery_17483>.

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