Sam Whiskey

He was an orphan child

born in a snowstorm

crossin' the Great Plains.

Sam's cradle rocked mostly

in the back of Joe Callahan's saloon.

First sounds he heard

were the rattlin' of dice

and somebody throwin' chips

on a poker table.

Seemed to influence the boy.

Well, Sam grew up, went to school

made a number of tried and true friends

learned how to smoke, play five-card-stud,

and tell tall stories,

fight and cuss.

That Sam also got in the habit

of takin' chances.

And, what's more,

he started gain' with the girls.

Before much longer, Sam started shavin'.

Heard he could make some money

workin' beef on the western plains,

so he headed out

and got himself a job punchin' cattle.

Got punched himself.

When he wasn't ridin' herd,

he broke wild horses.

At least he tried to.

Met a lady in Abilene

with pink pantaloons.

Learned all about the big, wide world.

The United States government

heard about Sam

and offered to go in partners with him.

Said him and them combined

could lick the whole confederate army.

Sam took up the offer.

Did a little spying, scoutin' around.

Once damn near

liked to got his head blowed off.

General Sherman said, War is hell.

"Worse than that," Sam said,

"the pay's bad."

After the war,

Sam tried his hand at business.

Failed.

Rode shotgun on a stagecoach,

traded mules,

did some work for the rail road.

One time or another, he had a little money,

but always managed to lose it.

Well, Sam grew a little older,

though not much wiser.

Besides women,

his taste ran to good music

and strong cigars.

Oh, incidentally,

Sam never got over the habit

of takin' chances.

So long, fella.

Awakee napa, Goholo.

I know it ain't none of my business, mister,

but was that your horse?

It used to be.

Well, what the hell happened?

I lost him in a card game.

And you paid up to a Yaqui?

That's right.

- Howdy.

- Howdy.

- You got any rye?

- You betcha.

Are you buyin' for two?

Ma'am, I'm gonna save you and me

a whole lotta trouble.

What do you mean by that?

All I'm in the market for is a hot bath.

That sounds wonderful.

- You got a tub?

- Back room. Two bits.

Jed, you shoe my horse?

- This afternoon, Pete.

- Thanks.

- Hi, Agnes.

- Hi.

- Clem, my bath ready yet?

- You betcha.

Thank you.

Here's for the rye, and here's for the tub.

You'll have to wait your turn, mister.

Blacksmith put in his bid this morning.

I don't have time for him to be first.

I gotta meet the stage.

I got an important meeting with a lady.

You'll have to settle that with him, mister.

Howdy.

Howdy.

I... I'll give you a dollar,

and I'll take the bath first, huh?

Nope.

- You're a blacksmith, huh?

- Yep.

My name's Sam Whiskey.

My name's Jedidiah Hooker.

Those cavalry britches you got on?

Yep.

Well, I'll give you $2.00,

and I'll take the bath first.

Nope.

How much?

Mister, could you please

take your hand out of my bath water?

I bet if I was to shove your head

in that tub, you'd change your mind.

Which of your two legs

you want broke first?

What... What the...

I'll tell you what, mister.

Marguerite'll get some water

and swab you down

by the corral personally.

Then you can be all washed up with...

A man sure has a hard time

gettin' a bath in this town.

If you hit me with that spittoon,

I'm not gonna like it.

Hold it!

Pardon me.

Let's everybody calm down

before somebody gets hurt.

That's for the damages,

and, Marshal,

that's for disturbing the peace.

I'll just take my bath someplace else.

Good idea.

Thanks.

If you still want that bath,

there's a horse trough down at my place.

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