Ross Noble: Randomist

Director(s): Cal Barton, Ross Noble
Actors: Ross Noble

(Eerie, echoing music)

(Applause and cheering)

(Cheering and applause)

- Thank you very much! Hello!

- (Applause)

Thank you very much! Hello!

- (Applause)

- Whoo-hoo!

Hell-o-o-o-o, hello, hello!

Hello, there! Hi! You lovely lot.

How are you all? Well?

Ya-a-a-a-ay! Excellent stuff there!

How are you lads there?

Desperately trying to get to your seats

without anyone noticing!

Sorry, l said lads, it's a bloke and a woman.


What a great way to start a show that is!

How are you, sir,

and your incredibly butch girlfriend?

That's all l can say.

Sorry, she's not, l'm sure.

Look at that, haven't even opened me mouth

and l've already offended him!

That's great. Sorry, you're not.

You're a very fine-looking lady.

l'm not trying to pull her, l'm just saying...

You're late. l thought l'd try and dig myself

out of the hole l'd created.

And an excellent fringe, might l add?

Well done!

Cos some people have the hair

and then like a bit of a fringe,

but you've fully committed, haven't you?

You've got fringe! There's no...

There's no kind of gentle kind of...

There's no, like, oh, bit of a hairline.


When you first came in there, l actually

thought you were wearing a helmet.

You know what l mean? l thought, ''Brilliant.

''Somebody's decided to bring along

some kind of human cannonball lass.''

Wouldn't that be brilliant

if l'd laid that on as a big start to the show?

lt was amazing,

he came out, he said hello to everyone

and then he actually pushed on a cannon.

And some lass who'd fashioned her hair

into a cannon shape,

she just stood up and went,

''Can l have a go, Ross?'' lt was brilliant!

And she walked... There's a fella

down the front covering his eyes!

Thank God that's with laughter.

lt's not really gonna happen!

He's just going,

''Shit, l'd better get myself ready!''

''How many shows have l been to where

lasses have been fired from the stage?

''Oh, why, only last week, l had a tiny woman

fired directly into me eye!

''lt was a bloody nightmare! l had to have

corrective laser eye surgery done.''

''Excuse me, l appear to have

a lass trapped in my face.'' Just her legs kicking out like that!

''Bloody hell, l've got a lass in me eye!''

lt wouldn't be the actual pain of having her

in the eye, it would be all the gel off the hair

that had got in and was just running down.

Still... Are your eyes all right, mate?

You seem to have worn some sort of

hooded top this evening. Well done.

Are you a proper hoodie or are you... No?

You're just a little bit nippy! Fair enough.

That's us. l love this weather.

l love watching hoodies.

They're not quite sure.

They wanna put their hoods up for warmth.

At the same time, they know if they put it up,

they'll be instantly arrested.

They're just there going,

''Aw, shit, what do l do? Yahhh!''

Of course, what she's cleverly done

is work the hood into a...

- (Laughter)

- ..into an actual...


That's what they should do!

Hoodies spend all their time, ''Oh, we can't

wear our hoods in the Metro Centre.

''We're not allowed to wear our hoods.''

Simply grow your hair like mine,

then just gel it all forward

into a big hood situation.

Mebbes even these bits,

grow your sideburns

and have them kind of like

the pulley bits there!

Sort of... You could even put toggles on

if you wanted.

The... You'd look like one of those rabbis,

you know, with the curly... The, er, whoo!

l'm not suggesting rabbis pull on their...

That would be brilliant, wouldn't it?

lf you just saw a rabbi just walking along

the street like that, all holy and religious,

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Ross Noble

Ross Markham Noble (born 5 June 1976) is an English stand-up comedian and actor. Noble rose to mainstream popularity through making appearances on British television, particularly interviews and on panel shows such as Have I Got News for You. He has also released DVDs of several of his tours. In 2007 he was voted the 10th greatest stand-up comic on Channel 4's 100 Greatest Stand-Ups and again in the updated 2010 list as the 11th greatest stand-up comic. In 2012, Noble made his movie debut in the fantasy comedy horror movie Stitches. In 2015 he made his musical theatre debut in The Producers and in 2018 was nominated for a Laurence Olivier Award for his performance in Young Frankenstein in the West End. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018


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