Ross Noble: Randomist

---

(Eerie, echoing music)

(Applause and cheering)

(Cheering and applause)

- Thank you very much! Hello!

- (Applause)

Thank you very much! Hello!

- (Applause)

- Whoo-hoo!

Hell-o-o-o-o, hello, hello!

Hello, there! Hi! You lovely lot.

How are you all? Well?

Ya-a-a-a-ay! Excellent stuff there!

How are you lads there?

Desperately trying to get to your seats

without anyone noticing!

Sorry, l said lads, it's a bloke and a woman.

Fantastic!

What a great way to start a show that is!

How are you, sir,

and your incredibly butch girlfriend?

That's all l can say.

Sorry, she's not, l'm sure.

Look at that, haven't even opened me mouth

and l've already offended him!

That's great. Sorry, you're not.

You're a very fine-looking lady.

l'm not trying to pull her, l'm just saying...

You're late. l thought l'd try and dig myself

out of the hole l'd created.

And an excellent fringe, might l add?

Well done!

Cos some people have the hair

and then like a bit of a fringe,

but you've fully committed, haven't you?

You've got fringe! There's no...

There's no kind of gentle kind of...

There's no, like, oh, bit of a hairline.

FRlNGE!

When you first came in there, l actually

thought you were wearing a helmet.

You know what l mean? l thought, ''Brilliant.

''Somebody's decided to bring along

some kind of human cannonball lass.''

Wouldn't that be brilliant

if l'd laid that on as a big start to the show?

lt was amazing,

he came out, he said hello to everyone

and then he actually pushed on a cannon.

And some lass who'd fashioned her hair

into a cannon shape,

she just stood up and went,

''Can l have a go, Ross?'' lt was brilliant!

And she walked... There's a fella

down the front covering his eyes!

Thank God that's with laughter.

lt's not really gonna happen!

He's just going,

''Sh*t, l'd better get myself ready!''

''How many shows have l been to where

lasses have been fired from the stage?

''Oh, why, only last week, l had a tiny woman

fired directly into me eye!

''lt was a bloody nightmare! l had to have

corrective laser eye surgery done.''

''Excuse me, l appear to have

a lass trapped in my face.''

The...er... Just her legs kicking out like that!

''Bloody hell, l've got a lass in me eye!''

lt wouldn't be the actual pain of having her

in the eye, it would be all the gel off the hair

that had got in and was just running down.

Still... Are your eyes all right, mate?

You seem to have worn some sort of

hooded top this evening. Well done.

Are you a proper hoodie or are you... No?

You're just a little bit nippy! Fair enough.

That's us. l love this weather.

l love watching hoodies.

They're not quite sure.

They wanna put their hoods up for warmth.

At the same time, they know if they put it up,

they'll be instantly arrested.

They're just there going,

''Aw, sh*t, what do l do? Yahhh!''

Of course, what she's cleverly done

is work the hood into a...

- (Laughter)

- ..into an actual...

(Applause)

That's what they should do!

Hoodies spend all their time, ''Oh, we can't

wear our hoods in the Metro Centre.

''We're not allowed to wear our hoods.''

Simply grow your hair like mine,

then just gel it all forward

into a big hood situation.

Mebbes even these bits,

grow your sideburns

and have them kind of like

the pulley bits there!

Sort of... You could even put toggles on

if you wanted.

The... You'd look like one of those rabbis,

you know, with the curly... The, er, whoo!

l'm not suggesting rabbis pull on their...

That would be brilliant, wouldn't it?

lf you just saw a rabbi just walking along

the street like that, all holy and religious,

and then he just turned and, when no one

was looking, he just - pouf - like that.

And his thing goes, wey-hey, like that

and he goes whoo-hoo!

Wey-hey!

And mebbes that - fumph - and then all just

religious scripture came out the top like that.

He'd go fumph, wey-hey, rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Walking around dispensing

religious scripture to everyone he sees.

''Would you like some scripture?''

Pumph, weeeeeeeee!

''My work here is done.''

And then off he goes into the night.

You're not a rabbi, are you? A casual rabbi?

What's your name, my friend?

Steven. Excellent stuff. And it's quite...

That must be new. lt's very...

lt is... Well, l would've gone so far as clean

rather than shiny.

But...er...does it shine, as well?

That'd be great if we turned the lights off

and you were just - # Ah-haaaaaa #

Just moving around there. Hello. Welcome.

l'm sorry if you were expecting to be fired

out of a cannon. lt's already been done.

The job's already been taken.

What can l say?

- Wow, look at your big frizzy hair, mate!

- (Laughter)

Nice work!

That's almost like the venue provided me

with a stunt double, know what l mean?

They just went,

''What happens if he falls over

''in some kind... Some kind of

horrible incident during the show...

''Don't worry, we'll send an equally

frizzy-haired man down the front there

''and he can just jump in...''

You don't have to.

The look of panic on your face there!

Just went, ''Oh, sh*t, l don't feel l'm qualified

for such a thing!''

l'm surprised you didn't go,

''l will, l'm shiny, l'm shiny!

''Look at me shine for everyone's pleasure!''

For everyone's pleasure?

That sounded wrong.

Like people were just poking you with sticks.

''Go on, shine, shine!''

''l don't want...''

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes